


A Winter's Tale

by Rattlesnake



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Hurt/Comfort, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, Suspense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:07:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 51,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16884489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rattlesnake/pseuds/Rattlesnake
Summary: Hux, exhausted after a gruesome experience, looks for shelter at his great-uncle's snowed in mansion. He immediately dislikes Kylo Ren, the moody gamekeeper.





	1. Out in the Cold

Armitage lowered his newspaper to look out of the train window. He was surprised it had started to snow. For the fracture of a moment he felt almost elated by the dancing white flakes and the beauty of the snow-covered Scottish landscape. Then he remembered how annoying it would be to walk through the snow in his loafers. They would be ruined without doubt. His warmest coat was also packed with the rest of his belongings and would arrive days later. 

He heaved a sigh and turned away from the window, just to be confronted with the smile of the neat old lady with the white locks and rosy cheeks sitting opposite him. She had offered him cookies earlier. He had politely declined, because he was afraid, she might want to make small talk with him. He hated small talk, despite having to be great at it with costumers. Maybe because of that. 

Thinking of costumers made him even more miserable. 

“You don’t seem happy about the snow.” The old lady said. “Well, paper-thin as you are, you must freeze easily. Are you sure you don’t want to try a cookie?”  
Armitage thought it impolite to turn down the offer again and took one from the box she opened for him. “Thank you.” He took a bite and had to admit they were excellent. Delicious, to be honest. 

“They’re good.”

“Help yourself, boy.” The lady put the box down on the small rack under the window. “You need it.”

It had been a while since Armitage had been called boy by anybody and he kind of liked it. He was starting to feel so old, much older than his real age which was thirty-one. Being called a boy made him feel younger and less hopeless. He folded the newspaper, from which he had read every article anyway and put it down on the empty seat next to him. Then he took another cookie.

“Did you bake them yourself?”

“Yes”, the old lady’s eyes glinted. “My nephew loves them very much.”

“Good taste.”

“May I ask what brings you here at this time of the year? You don’t look like someone who’s interested in old castles, which is usually the only reason strangers come here.” 

She was curious, just as Armitage had expected. But he didn’t mind that much anymore. “No”, he said. “Well, I don’t mind old castles, but I’m here because of my great-uncle. He invited me to visit his property in Westershire.”

“So, I was right and you’re the man everyone is talking about. The manager from the city.” She smiled. “Lord Whitecliff’s great-nephew.

“I’m being talked about?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, dear. Everybody here is always talked about all the time.”

“Sounds alarming.”

“You get used to it. Have another cookie.”

Armitage did. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had eaten home-made cookies.

“You’re going to meet my nephew soon”, the lady said.

“I am?“ Armitage frowned.

„He’s the groundkeeper of Whitecliff Hall. His name is Ben, even though he prefers to be called Kylo.”  
“Oh.” Armitage wasn’t looking forward to meeting any of the staff his great-uncle had hired. He didn’t know him well, but he remembered him as kind of eccentric, maybe a little crazy. He was in India right now on one of his journeys around the world. And he had invited Armitage once again to stay at Whitecliff Hall for a while and look after the household while he was gone. Armitage had never thought he would take him up on his offer, but every option was better than staying in London right now. 

Still it seemed unreal to be here and he was unsure whether he had made the right decision.

“He’s a good boy.”

Armitage needed a moment to remember who the lady was talking about. “I’m sure he is”, he said.

“It doesn’t always show before you get to know him better.” There was a little worried frown on the old lady’s face now. “He tends to be a little rash in his decisions. Foolish you could say. I would appreciate it if you gave him a chance, like your great-uncle did. He is a wonderful man. We all owe him a lot around here.”

“I don’t know him too well,”, Armitage said. He wondered why her nephew had needed a chance. He didn’t like the idea of living under the same roof as criminal, but he was too polite to ask.

“That’s a pity. He is one of a kind.” The old lady gathered her thick scarf around her and made to stand up. “I’m getting off one station before yours”, she said. “It was lovely meeting you. I’m Mary Woolrich by the way. We’ll probably run into each other in the village. And please take the cookies with you. Ben can take the box back to me.”

She left the compartment with a smile before Armitage could protest and he leaned back into his seat with a sigh. Anyhow, his journey was almost over.

*

Armitage had been right. It was freezing cold at the station and his shoes were soaked through after the first few steps. There was no one to pick him up, even though he had announced his time of arrival days ago. He pulled his Burberry scarf tighter, but it didn’t help against the icy wind and the snowflakes landing on his face. There wasn’t even a shelter, not to mention a station house. This stop was in the middle of nowhere, he had been the only one to get off the train and it was getting dark, even though it was still only afternoon. 

At this moment he regretted coming here with all his heart. 

He buried his freezing hands, deep in his pocket, and stomped his feet to keep warm. What on earth had he been thinking? How was this journey going to help? Yes, Dr. Dameron had probably been right for years when telling him he needed a break. Memories of his downfall and the humiliation that followed were still vivid in his mind and he clenched his fists to make them go away. His nails dug deep into the skin of his palms.

Why on earth had he decided to come here? 

Maybe because it had seemed easiest, as he already had an invitation and it only took him a few calls to plan this journey. He hadn’t been able to plan a whole vacation and it had also been unthinkable to stay in London. 

He was running away, and he knew it. This was going to be a disaster and apparently, he wasn’t even going to get to Whitecliff Hall. 

And maybe it was for the best. Maybe he should just give up and take the next train back. This whole idea had been born out of desperation anyway.

While walking over to the timetable, he was overwhelmed by the thought that nothing and no-one was waiting for him in London. He would not be able to go to work, because he was on sick leave for an indefinite amount of time. He didn’t have friends or family in London. No one would even know he was back. Not for the first time he contemplated getting a pet. A cat maybe. It was a nice thought to have someone waiting for him.

The next train back was going to leave in two hours. His heart sank. He wasn’t sure if a person could freeze to death in two hours’ time, but it sure felt that way.  
He turned around when he heard the ringing of small bells coming closer, accompanied by the muted sounds of horse’s hooves on a snow-covered road. The sleigh that was approaching the station seemed like something out of a fairy-tale to him and his eyes widened. 

The two horses came to a halt under the single lantern and snowflakes were dancing in the light, making the sight even more otherworldly. 

The man who jumped from the sleigh was tall and broad shouldered, but his demeanour when he stumped over to Armitage wasn’t very fairy-tale like. He was wearing boots and a long coat and in contrast to Armitage didn’t seem to be cold. His face was long and moody looking and framed by dark hair. His features were a little weird, with a big nose, full lips and a frown. Armitage felt a little intimidated by him. He looked like the kind of man who would make fun of his slight frame, his slender hands and the fact that he wasn’t strong. He had met many of them in his life. Those were the kinds of guys who had pushed him around the schoolyard, calling him teacher’s pet, faggot and worse. 

He straightened his shoulders and tried to look as tall as possible. In fact, he wasn’t that much shorter than the other man. It just felt that way because he was so much leaner. “You’re late”, he said with all the strictness he could muster.

The other man frowned. “Sorry”, he said, not seeming it at all. His voice was low and deep and less harsh than Armitage had imagined it. “I was kept up. Is that your stuff?” He pointed to the suitcase with the box of cookies on top of it and Armitage nodded. Without another word the man grabbed his luggage and dumped it in the back of the sleigh.

“I would appreciate it if you treated my things a bit more carefully”, Armitage said. He had learned the hard way to always show these toxic males that he was not to be pushed around. And this guy was his great uncle’s servant after all. There was no need to cower before him.

“Why? Are you carrying eggs around?”

Armitage blushed a little at the insolence. “Of course not.”

“No need to worry then. Are you getting in? Or are you frozen to the spot?”

Armitage didn’t want to get into the sleigh with the dark-haired man. But what choice did he have? 

He climbed up and was surprised in a good way to find there were sheepskins and warm blankets on the floor and on his seat. It felt like sinking into a warm nest. 

“Put one of the blankets over your shoulders”, the man said. ” It’s going to get colder on the ride and you’re not dressed right.”

Another degrading comment, but Armitage decided to let it pass. He followed the man’s advice and was relieved at how much better he felt under the blanket. For a moment he enjoyed the warmth. It had even stopped snowing and when his driver tightened the reins and the horses started off in a firm trot, he felt almost comfortable. 

“Are you Ben?” he asked.

There was a hint of indignation on his neighbour’s face. “I prefer to be called Kylo. Did your uncle tell you my name?” 

“No, I met your aunt on the train.” 

For the first time Kylo’s lips curled into a tiny smile. Armitage was surprised he even could smile. “I thought I knew that cookie box from somewhere. Aunt Mary is a treasure.”

“She seemed nice”, Armitage agreed. “She told me a few things about you.” That was an exaggeration, but after Kylo’s snide remarks he wanted to pay him back a little.

The smile disappeared. “Did she?”

“Oh, yes. You must be quite thankful towards my uncle.”

“I am.” Kylo glanced at him. “She told you I served time?”

“No, she didn’t.”

Kylo looked away. “I don’t mind you knowing.”

Armitage minded knowing, as a matter of fact. He wanted to ask what Kylo had been sentenced for, but he couldn’t find the courage and Kylo didn’t seem to want to pass the information on. He took comfort in the thought that his uncle would not have hired a murderer.

“Are you going to stay long?” Kylo asked.

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Don’t you have any responsibilities in London?”

“Not right now.” He knew he sounded clipped and that was intended. He did not want to discuss anything personal with Kylo of all people.

“I must say I’m not sure you’ll like it here. People from the city often have problems adjusting.”

Armitage thought the same, but he was not going to admit it. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

He pulled the blanket around himself tighter and watched as they rode through an enormous metal gate and approached his great-uncle’s manor. He had only seen it on pictures up to now and he had to admit he was impressed. In reality it seemed even bigger and more overwhelming. Covered in snow and framed by tall fir trees it looked like a place from a gothic story in the gloom of the approaching evening. With a hint of wistfulness, he thought that young Armitage would have adored this. 

He had long since stopped believing in fairy-tales.

The road led up to a great portal in the middle of the manor and Kylo stopped the horses right in front of it. Armitage hoped it was warm inside. He wasn’t looking forward to getting out of his blanket nest and step into the cold snow again. While he was still trying to muster the courage, Kylo appeared beside him and before Armitage could protest, he had scooped him into his arms and Armitage had no choice but wrap his arms around him. Kylo carried him the few steps to the portal that was now being opened for them. 

Kylo sat him down and Armitage felt himself blush when he saw two elder servants had watched their entry. Still he was glad his loafers hadn’t gotten any wetter.  
“Wrong shoes”, Kylo explained to the stern looking butler, who didn’t answer but bowed his head and proceeded to help Armitage out of his coat.

“Armitage this is Canady. I’m sure your uncle told you about him. He keeps this place in order. And here we have Mrs. Nelly. She’s the cook.”

“I’m sure you didn’t expect it to be this cold, my dear Mr. Hux”, the friendly looking round lady with an old-fashioned cap and and apron said. “You should change immediately and get to the dining room. We made sure it’s nice and warm there. And I cooked you a wonderful welcome dinner.” She took him by the arm and smiled up at him, leading him towards he staircase at the end of the hall. “I hope you like salmon? We have to take care you don’t catch cold. Lord Whitecliff is so happy you decided to come. You have to stay until Christmas at least. Kylo, why don’t you show him to his room? It would be Mitaka’s job, but he seems to be busy somewhere.”

Kylo nodded, got Armitage’s suitcase and cookie box from the sleigh and led the way. 

Armitage followed Kylo through draughty hallways and up a velvet stringed staircase, trying to keep up with Kylo and catch a few glimpses of the old family portraits. He was a little afraid he might find one that resembled him but no one in the portraits had red hair. 

The atmosphere of the manor started to get to him, but not in a bad way. It felt as I he had travelled back in time and right now it was hard to believe that cars already existed in the real world. Or that Riverside Investments existed. And that was a good thought.

“What brings you here by the way?” Kylo asked and Armitage was surprised he decided to start a conversation. Up to now he had been quiet, almost taciturn.  
“Just a little holiday”, he answered “Needed a change of scenery.”

“Maybe you should have chosen summer. You seem like the type that always catches colds.”

Armitage hated being seen as weak. He straightened his shoulders. “I don’t mind the cold at all. In fact, I enjoy nothing more than long walks in winter.”  
“Is that so?” Kylo glanced at him. “Feel free to join me tomorrow then. I’m picking a small Christmas tree for the kitchen.”

“It would be my pleasure.” He said without thinking. He just hoped he would be able to find warmer clothes somewhere. “Are you, Canady, Mrs. Nelly and Mitaka the only people living in the mansion right now?”

“There’s Phasma who takes care of the horses. My cousin Rey sometimes comes here over the weekends. She’s studying in Edinburgh. And a friend of Lord Whitecliff is staying here over the winter. She arrived yesterday. That’s all of us while your uncle is not here. There are more servants when he is around of course.”

“I see.”

Kylo opened a door for him and Armitage thought he might have swooned if he was a sixteen-year-old girl. This looked like a room straight from Downton Abby, with a large four poster bed, brocade curtains and a burning fireplace. For a moment he was speechless.

“Do you like it?” Kylo asked.

“It’s almost a bit too much.” But that wasn’t true. The room was beautiful and the warmth from the fire surrounded him like a warm coat. There was also a wonderful smell that came from the tiny fir tree opposite the bed, decorated with a dainty silver chain. It was very long since he had had a Christmas tree.  
“Your uncle wanted you to have this room.”

“I do like it.”

“You look overwhelmed.”

“That might be an exaggeration.” Armitage loved the way the thick carpet swallowed his steps and couldn’t wait to find out if the bed was as soft as it looked. He now also realized how extremely tired he was after the long journey and the willpower it had taken to go through with his decision. He would have liked to lie down right now and not get up until morning. But dinner was waiting for him and he did not want to disappoint his uncle’s housekeeper on his first day here.  
“I’ll fetch you in twenty minutes”, Kylo said and pulled the door closed behind him.

Armitage walked over to the window and pulled the heavy curtains aside. It had started snowing again and the grounds were covered under a white blanket. He could see the nearby forest, the trees magically turned into crystal sculptures. He saw the sleigh from where his window was positioned and after while, he noticed Kylo coming out of the mansion and walking up to the animals. He petted them and offered them some oats from his pocket. Apparently he liked animals more than people. 

Armitage turned away. 

*

Dinner was delicious. Armitage couldn’t remember when he had ever eaten this good. The convenience food he bought for himself and the dishes from the cafeteria at Riverside headquarters couldn’t compare. It was weird being served like a nobleman. He wasn’t sure if he would get used to that anytime soon. Canady kept quiet and filled his wine glass when he emptied it. 

“I hope you don’t mind eating alone”, Mrs. Nelly said while she put some more potatoes on his plate. He was glad it wasn’t against the labels for her to talk to him. 

“No. I’m used to it.”

“Your uncle’s friend Marissa Walcott arrived yesterday on short notice. She would have joined you but she has a headache.”

“I see.”

Eating with a woman he didn’t know and was expected to be polite to seemed even worse than eating alone and he was glad he was spared company today.

“I’m sure you’ll get along fine. She is the sweetest person. Your uncle adores her. We all do.”

He wondered if that was true for Kylo, too.

Afterwards he was glad when he was back in his room and was able to stretch out on the bed in his pyjamas. He had his own bathroom which he highly appreciated. Snuggling under his covers he felt too tired to read one page of his book. He was reaching for the bedside lamp when it happened. 

The well-known feeling hit him like a plank to the face and he froze in his movement. 

His stomach churned and he hurried to push all thoughts of Riverside and what had transpired aside. How he’d made a complete fool of himself, how everybody was still talking about him, how much his opponents revelled in the fact he had run away. But most of all how embarrassing it had all been.

“No”, he whispered. “I’m here now. I’m far away. It’s over.”

It was still so real inside his head. He almost wanted to get up again but there was no sense in that. He hadn’t seen a TV he could turn on to drown out the memories. He tried to relax and practice the breathing techniques Dr. Dameron had shown him. In and out, very slowly. Hold your breath and count to ten before you exhale. His heartbeat calmed down after a while, but his hands were still cold and shaking a little. He pulled the covers around himself faster. Sometimes it helped him to imagine there was someone holding him close. 

It was the wonderful smell in the room combined with the crackle of the fire that calmed him down after a while. The soft sound drowned out everything else and his exhaustion took over again. 

He didn’t remember turning out the light, but he must have done it, because when he was startled awake it was dark around him. Where was he? Cold fear grabbed for his heart and his hands clawed at the bedsheet. This wasn’t his room. Eyes wide open he tried to orient himself in the darkness.  
Then he remembered. Whitecliff Hall. He was far away from London. He was safe. His breathing calmed. 

Until he heard the scratching sound from the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As there hasn't been any snow yet wheer I live I thought I could at least write about it.  
> Some inspiration for this comes from Peter Rabbit as you may have noticed. There'll be no rabbits, though.   
> Any feedback is appreciated.


	2. A Winter walk

It’s just a cat, he told himself. Or a dog maybe, who is used to sleep in this room if there are no guests. Of course, he knew that he should get up and open the door, to see what was there, but he wasn’t even able to stretch out his hand to turn on the bedside lamp. Leaving the safety of the covers was unthinkable. 

Please stop, he thought, when the scratching started again. It didn’t sound like a cat, or it would have to be a very large cat. It also unsettled him that it was always quiet for a while after the sound. As if someone was running their nails over the door and then waited for a reaction. He swallowed hard. What was he supposed to do? Calling for help was not an option. The inhabitants of the mansion thought him strange enough already. He was rigid by now, his old fear of the dark taking over. A little boy, hiding under the covers, hoping that the door wouldn’t open tonight, that he would be left alone. An abyss was opening inside of him and he knew he needed light if he wanted to stay sane.

It cost him all his strength to stretch out one shaking hand and feel for the switch on the bed stand. There was the scratching sound again and he was embarrassed about the whimper that left his lips. Finally, he found the switch and there was light around him and the scratching stopped. Relief flooded him like warm liquid and he closed his eyes. 

He still felt a little shaken and his forehead was sweaty but now he also felt a little embarrassed for panicking like that. It must have been a cat. There had been no need to freak out like that. He lay quiet and listened for a moment but there were no steps outside. Then again there was carpet in the hallway, he remembered. 

This was ridiculous. Maybe there hadn’t even been a sound at all and his strained nerves had played tricks on him. Or he had dreamed it all. Shaking the squirmy feeling off, he got up to use the bathroom. He made sure to switch on the light before he entered the room. The wide enamel bathtub and the old-fashioned washing table calmed him down even more. They looked reassuring, grounding. He almost laughed when he saw himself in the mirror. Pale as a ghost, his red hair dishevelled, lines from the cushion on his face. He looked just as ridiculous as he felt. 

He crawled back under the covers but couldn’t bring himself to switch off the light. It was just for orientation, of course. 

I’m not alone in this house, he told himself. Mrs. Nelly, kind and welcoming was sleeping somewhere. There was Canady who emanated a calming sense of sobriety. And Kylo, strong enough to carry him without any effort. If there was an intruder Kylo would have no problem dealing with him, Armitage was sure.  
Except of course if Kylo had been at his door. 

Armitage shivered. That was absurd. Why on earth should he do something like that to him? By tomorrow morning he would have forgotten the whole episode. 

*  
The lamp on the bandstand was still burning when he awoke, and soft light was falling through the cracks of the curtains. He had been wrong. He still remembered what had happened during the night but now he couldn’t understand why he had been so frightened. He wasn’t a little boy anymore. Why hadn’t he just gone and opened the door?

He didn’t feel as refreshed as he could have been, but he hurried to get down to brakfast. He didn’t want his uncle’s servants to think of him as lazy.   
The table was leaden with enough rolls, toast cheese, homemade marmalade, honey and eggs to feed a company of ten and Mrs. Nelly put down a large steaming cup of hot chocolate in front of him. “This is exactly what you need”, she declared. Armitage very much preferred coffee in the morning but he took a sip to make her happy. It was too sweet for him, but he nodded at her with a little smile and she seemed satisfied.

The door to the hallway opened and like a warm breeze on a cold winter day a young woman swept in, her blonde hair tied back in a bun, clever blue eyes skittering over the table, until they fell on Armitage.

He had forgotten all about Marissa Walcott and hurried to get up, hoping he didn’t have chocolate around his mouth. Women like her ignored him most of the time or talked about him in lowered voices, laughing at his lack of social skills outside of business and he was very aware of that.  
But Marissa smiled, showing perfect white teeth and stretched out her hand to greet him. “Armitage Hux, how lovely to meet you”, she said. When she came closer, he noticed that she was older than he had first thought. The lines around her eyes gave it away. She had to be around his age rather than close to twenty as he’d initially presumed. 

“I’ve heard so much about you”, she said.

“Really?”

“Yes, of course. Your uncle talks about you all the time.”

Armitage was surprised, because even if he and his great-uncle had telephoned a few times during the past years and face-timed once or twice, they didn’t know each other well.

“Roderick is so fond of you.” She hadn’t let go of his hand yet.

Even the name sounded unfamiliar to Armitage. He was almost sure he had never used it to his uncle’s face. 

“As far as I know I’m his only living relative. Though, there’s not much to be proud of to be honest.”

“Oh, don’t say that.” Her eyes crinkled. “You’re so handsome for one.”

Armitage hoped he wouldn’t blush. He was so pale he always blushed and the mere thought of it made it worse.

“I knew you two would get along”, Mrs. Nelly said, delighted. “Lord Whitecliff will be so pleased. Here’s your Darjeeling, love.” She put down a cup at Marissa’s place at the table. “Brewed for exactly five minutes.”

“You’re a marvel, Nelly. Have you slept well, Mr. Hux? Or am I allowed to call you Armitage?”

“Of course.” He sat down again, feeling a little overwhelmed. “I slept wonderful.” 

The food on the table didn’t seem as appetizing anymore and he wished he could get up. He didn’t know what to say to this woman without making a fool of himself.

It turned out he didn’t need to worry. Marissa was capable of holding up the conversation without much effort from Armitage and while he was nibbling on a piece of toast, he learned that she had met his uncle when he had helped her out at an airport when she had forgotten her tickets at home.

“He simply paid for my trip. We talked during the whole flight and he’s treated me like a daughter ever since. He’s the most amazing man you’ll ever meet. Never asked for anything in return.”

“He must be very fond of you”, Armitage said, helping himself to some coffee from a can that Canady had thankfully put on the table.

“It’s just how he treats everyone around him. He’s so kind one has to be careful not to take advantage of him.”

“Well…” Armitage didn’t really know how to answer that.

“Would you like me to show you around the house after breakfast? We could also go down to the village later. Farglenn is an enchanting place, especially in winter. You’ll love it.”

“He’s coming into the forest with me”, a deep voice from the door interrupted her and Kylo stepped into the room, carrying boots and a bundle of clothes.  
Marissa’s expression darkened for a moment but then her smile was back. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Ben? He just arrived yesterday. What is he supposed to do in the forest? Help you chopping wood?”

“I’m getting a tree today.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage on your own without abducting our guest.”

“He likes winter walks”, Kylo said, his gaze so saturnine that Armitage hurried to nod. “I asked him to take me”, he said. 

Kylo dumped the boots and clothes on the floor. “They’re your uncle’s but they’ll fit you. Meet me in the hall in twenty minutes.” It didn’t sound like a request.  
Armitage went to pick up the clothes.

“You don’t have to go with him”, Marissa said, reaching for another roll. “Don’t let him boss you around.”

“I won’t.”

“He’s a servant around here, nothing more. Even if he seems intimidating.”

“Look, I was the one who said I wanted to come with him.” That came out a little more aggressive than Armitage had wanted it to. He didn’t want her to think he was easily daunted. “Thank you for your concern”, he added.

“It’s just that you should be careful around him”, Marissa said, spreading butter on her roll. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s prone to mood swings.”  
Armitage got up with the clothes in his arms. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to go with Kylo anymore. He also didn’t want to admit he had second thoughts, though. “I’ll be fine”, he said, trying to sound as convinced as possible.

*  
His uncle’s clothes didn’t fit perfectly but it was close enough. The boots were a little big but that allowed him to wear wool socks which was good. Standing in front of the mirror he felt like a different person. He didn’t own anything like this: weather-proof trousers, made for long days outside, a woolly sweater with a Norwegian print and a coat that was so warm and cosy he almost broke a sweat. 

He was a traveller, heading for the North Cape on his own; a ranger, living in a small cabin in the wood, far removed from society; a hiker from a Jack Wolfskin advert, looking for the most beautiful places under the sun, without a worry on his mind. 

He smiled at himself, almost a little proud.

Then he went down into the hall and saw Kylo, tall and brooding and knew that next to him he would just look like a fraud.

“Enjoyed your breakfast?” Kylo asked, sounding disgruntled. Only then Hux realized that he had ended up eating next to nothing. He would probably get hungry again soon and he didn’t like the idea of being around Kylo with a grumbling stomach. He hoped their trip wouldn’t take that long.

Kylo headed outside without waiting for an answer and Hux quickly followed. It was a lot easier to walk on the snow with his uncle’s boots and the road towards the gate was shovelled free anyway. Kylo’s work probably. 

Before they reached the gate, Kylo entered a little shed and returned with a shovel and a small sleigh he pulled behind himself. 

“Do you want to go sledding?” Hux asked, surprised. He absolutely couldn’t imagine Kylo on a sleigh.

“No”, Kylo said. “It’s for the tree of course. Or for you, if you falter.”

Hux frowned. “I’m not going to. Contrary to what you might think I’m not some kind of delicate flower from the city everyone needs to make a fuss about.”  
“A delicate flower, huh?” Kylo asked and smiled. He was one of the people who seemed like a different person when they smiled. His whole face lit up, his brown eyes shone warmly, and his gloominess was gone. 

“I claimed I’m not”, Hux said and stepped on a frozen spot. Of course, he lost balance and fell on his back, which made Kylo throw his head back and laugh.   
Armitage would have simmered with anger, had he not been overwhelmed by the fact how good Kylo looked when he was laughing. His teeth were a little crooked and for the first time Hux noticed his protruding ears, but all of that only made him more special. 

Hux hated how attractive he found him like that. Kylo was laughing at him after all.

He was angrier with himself than with Kylo but he still wanted to get back at him. Kylo held out a hand to help him up, still smiling, but he ignored it. “Marissa Walcott seems to be right about you”, he said, standing up on his own.

Every hint of happiness disappeared from Kylo’s features and Hux was almost sorry about that. He hadn’t even meant to be that mean. Apologizing seemed silly though. Kylo turned around towards the gate and Hux hurried to followed him.

The snow became deeper when they neared the forest and he soon had trouble keeping up with Kylo. It was strenuous to walk through the drifts of snow and he wasn’t used to this kind of exercise. Still he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful their surroundings were. 

Icicles hung from the branches of the trees they passed, glittering in the sun like filigree ornaments. Plants were frozen, making Armitage feel as if he was walking on a crystal planet. As a boy he had always imagined how different places in the galaxy might look and this was so foreign, so unique, he was thrown back in time. Even then he had always wanted to leave earth. Nothing had changed about that.

“Do you like it here?” Kylo asked and Hux was surprised he was talking to him again. For the last hour he had ignored him.

He nodded. “It’s beautiful.”

“Otherworldly is the right expression”, Kylo said, echoing Hux’s thoughts.

“Yes.”

Kylo took a step closer to him and pointed his finger at something. Hux looked in that direction and saw a group of deer between the trees. They were so close he was able to see the light spots on their fur. He had never seen wild animals this close as far as he remembered, and they were so lovely, so graceful, he was overcome with joy. 

For the first time everything that had happened to him was far removed and unimportant, like a distant memory. The quiet around him, the beauty of the scenery, the icy cold made him feel with all his heart that he was a human being. Nothing more, nothing less. He didn’t have to be perfect. He just had to be.  
One of the animals lifted its head, seemed to sense them and took off, the others following behind, until they disappeared behind the trees. Armitage took a deep breath and turned his head to Kylo, who had watched them just as intently as he had.

“Do you think they’ll find enough food in the snow?”

“I’m feeding them”, Kylo said. “Built two cribs in the forest. You can join me when I fill them if you want to. I always see deer there. Sometimes also wild boars or badgers in the evening.”

“I’d like that”, Hux said. 

Kylo decided on a small tree soon after that and dug in out of the ground with its roots and placed it on the sleigh. By the time they were heading back to the castle Armitage was exhausted, though he tried hard not to let it show. It became harder and harder to pull his feet from the snow and his cheeks were freezing. He was also hungry now and couldn’t wait to get back. The air was so cold, it was becoming painful to breathe. 

Kylo, who was almost ten meters in front of him turned around. “You can have a seat on the sleigh”, he said, grinning. “I know you’re from the city and not used to this.”

“Oh, do shut up”, Hux said. “I’m fine.” He was relieved when he saw the mansion looming in front of them a few minutes later.

His cheeks were still burning from the cold when he sat down in the dining room. Mrs. Nelly fussed over him and brought him a plate of sandwiches and he ate three of them. They too were delicious. Dr. Dameron would be proud of him if he knew that he was eating well and exercising. Out in fresh air at that. He should probably give him a call soon. To his own surprise he would not have minded so much if Kylo had had lunch with him, but he’d been off right after taking Hux to the castle. The servants seemed to eat on their own, anyway.

After lunch he found his uncle’s library which was a large oblong room, stacked with bookcases, that were so high a ladder was needed to reach the upper shelves. There was a gallery which hosted even more books. He liked the smell of dust and old paper and took a while to examine the antique globe in the middle of the room. Then he walked along the shelves and decided on a beautiful old edition of “Pride and Prejudice”, a novel he’d always been fond of for some reason. It seemed fitting to read it again in this setting. 

When he was huddled in an arm-chair by the fire place in one of the adjourning rooms he was starting to feel at home. Maybe coming here hadn’t been such a bad idea after all. As a matter of fact, he was almost starting to relax for the first time in years. He was startled when the door leading to the library was pushed open but smiled when a slender orange tabby cat with beautiful green eyes made her way in. 

“Hello there”, he said and was delighted when she came closer. “Did you want to come into my room tonight by any chance? Gave me quite a scare.” He stretched out his hand and she moved closer, her tail high up in the air and nudged against his hand. Her fur was soft and shiny, and she gave a purr when he petted her. Armitage smiled and let her rub her forehead against his hand. Maybe she would jump on his lap.

The door opened again and Hux was a little less delighted when Marissa Walcott stepped into the room. He sat up a little straighter in his armchair.   
“You’ve met Millicent, I see”, she said, sitting down in the armchair opposite from Armitage. “Your great-uncle is very fond of cats.”

“Understandable”, he said, a little disappointed when Millicent walked to the other end of the room and stretched before she curled up in the window sill.   
“Certainly. If you’re not allergic to them or generally not a fan of cats.”

“Why would anyone not be?” Hux asked, gaze still fixed on Millicent.

“Why indeed. I asked Nelly to serve tea in here. I hope you don’t mind.”

Armitage would have very much liked to read his book in peace, but he smiled politely. “Good.”

As if on cue the cook entered the room, followed by a young and shy looking servant. Mitaka, probably. Tea was served with scones and cream and Armitage had to admit this was a good thing.

“How was your walk with Ben?” Marissa asked when the servants had left. She poured them both tea from a flowery pot.

“He wants to be called Kylo, I think. And it was nice. A bit exhausting, though. But he was friendly enough.”

“Glad to hear it. He tends to be a little too much for most people.” She took a scone and added a spoonful of cream. “You probably won’t believe it before having witnessed one of his mood swings.”

Armitage frowned. “Do you know why he served time? I didn’t want to ask.”

“Yes, I do”, Marissa said. “He killed his father.”

Armitage had been about to take a scone, but he let his hand sink. “Killed…” he repeated. “Are you sure?” His stomach gave a little churn. 

“Yes. In fact, everyone at Whitecliff Hall knows about it, as well as everyone in the village. I would not have told you if it was a secret. I don’t like gossip.

Armitage shivered. Suddenly he felt a lot less safe and at home. He gazed into the fire. “You should have told me this morning.”

“Before you left with him?” Marissa took a bite from her scone. “I was sure he wasn’t going to harm you. Everyone knew you were with him. And the murder happened years ago. He was still a teenager as far as I know.”

“Murder?” Armitage looked up.

“Well, technically it was homicide. Him and his father had a fight during a hike and he pushed him off a cliff. It was an emotional act apparently and he was only sentenced for two years in juvenile prison. Not able to control his actions is what they said about him.”

“I can’t believe my uncle would let a killer live under his roof.” Armitage put the scone down. Someone that unpredictable at that.”

“Roderick sees the good in everyone”, Marissa said. “He always wants to redeem people. I just hope that’s not going to be his downfall someday.”

Armitage nodded. “I hope so, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing this and as it doesn't have that many readers, any feedback is highly appreciated as always!


	3. Frozen Grounds

At the dinner table Armitage was still thinking about Kylo. As much as he disliked him, he never would have thought that he could be able to kill a person, his father at that. Armitage had never been loved by his late father and he had come to loathe him at some point, but the thought of killing him was still outrageous. What a heartless creature would you have to be to take another human being’s life, if it wasn’t in self-defense? 

And Kylo hadn’t seemed heartless. A bit erratic maybe, often lost in his own thoughts, but not malicious or full of rage. Then again Armitage wasn’t a great judge of character and up to now he had never succeeded in building a relationship with anyone in his life. 

Some part of him had felt drawn towards Kylo and part of his shock came from the fact that he had been looking forward to talking to him again. Now, he didn’t even know what to say.

“You’re awfully quiet tonight”, Nelly said, when she filled his plate with hot soup. “And you’re not eating. Is everything alright?”

“I told him about Ben”, Marissa said. She was sitting opposite of Armitage again.

“I see.” Nelly was quiet for a moment. Then she took a large piece of white bread from the basket on the table and placed it next to Armitage’s plate. “Don’t worry too much about that. He has changed so much since then. His aunt and cousin have been watching out for him and they are very good people.”

Armitage nodded. He wasn’t sure if anyone could ever be redeemed after killing their own father, though. He felt cold inside even thinking about Kylo being that violent, that brutal. The knowledge of Kylo’s past darkened everything about Whitecliff Hall for him.

“Was his father an evil man?” he asked. “Did he mistreat him?”

“All I know is that he left him alone a lot”, Marissa answered.

“What about his mother?” Armitage didn’t even want to think about how a mother must feel whose child had killed his own father. 

“She hasn’t ever talked to her son again”, Nelly answered. Her usually cheerful face was creased with worry now. “Understandable, I suppose.”

“Yes, indeed.” Armitage got up.

“Aren’t you going to eat anything?” Nelly asked, crestfallen.

“No. I have a headache. I’m going to lie down.”

“Do you want me to bring you an aspirin?” Marissa asked, and he nodded, though he was sure it would not help. He knew these kinds of headaches well. For a long time there had always been a dull ache behind his temples. Dr. Dameron always told him the pain was stress-induced and he needed to relax more. Since he’d arrived a Whitecliff Hall it had indeed been gone but now it was back. 

Walking up to his room he asked himself, whether he should take a look at his mobile phone. He had buried it deep in his suitcase like an item of dark magic. And somehow it was, because it would link him with his life in London. He didn’t even think there would be any messages. Certainly, no private messages and he was quite sure that no one from work had written him a text or an e-mail. After what had happened no-one expected him to be back anytime soon, he supposed. And all the mails from customers or colleagues that were sent to his work-e-mail would be passed on to the people filling in for him.

There was nothing to fear but he still dreaded unlocking it when he finally held it in his hands. He swallowed hard and typed the code. 

No reception. None of the small bars in the upper right corner appeared. He was relieved. Also, there were no new messages apart from three missed calls from Dr. Dameron. It surprised him that Dameron cared enough about him to call and he decided to call him back tomorrow. 

He put the mobile away in one of the top shelves of his massive wardrobe that held only a few items right now. He had been right. Nothing was waiting for him in London. He would stay here, even if the easing of his tension had been reversed by what he learned about Kylo.

From his suitcase he also took the bottle of small blue pills Dr. Dameron had prescribed and put them on the night stand. A knock on the door told him Marissa was there. “Come in”, he said. 

“Your aspirin.” She held out a little tray with a glass of water and a small white pill. 

“Thank you, that’s very thoughtful.” He took the tray and put it on the bed-stand, hoping she didn’t intend to stay long. He just wanted to lay down.  
“Is that for your pain as well?” she asked, indicating the blue pills. 

He shook his head. “Just a light hypnotic my doctor prescribed.”

“Do you have trouble sleeping?”

He found her questions intrusive but was too polite not to answer. “Dr. Dameron insists I wouldn’t need them if I destressed more or started yoga classes. As it is, I take them almost every night.”

“Maybe your holiday here will help. Do you need anything else?”

Hux shook his head. “I think I’ll just go to bed right away.”

He was glad when she left after that. He had brought “Pride and Prejudice” up to his room and read a few pages. He almost hoped Millicent would scratch his door again. He would have liked some company. 

For a moment he contemplated leaving the bedside lamp on but that seemed childish. Also, he would sleep better in the dark. He’d taken one of the blue pills and was looking forward to a good night’s sleep. Every unwelcome thought of London and Kylo was pushed to the back of his mind and sleep came like a warm blanket.

He was startled awake by a firm knock on his door. Every nerve in his body was taut, when he waited for the sound to come again. He knew he was overreacting again, but he couldn’t help it. Noises in the dark were terrifying to him, always had been. 

“Grow up”, he told himself. “This is ridiculous, Armitage.” Still, he couldn’t keep himself from shaking. 

He knew he should answer but he couldn’t. His voice didn’t obey him. Oh, how he wished he had locked the door. He didn’t want anyone in here.  
The knocking came again. Firm and short. Then there was silence. 

He closed his eyes and moved one hand up to his mouth, almost as if to prevent himself from crying out. The silence was deceitful. He wanted to curl up under his blanket, cover his ears with his hands. 

“Yes?” he finally managed but his voice sounded so fragile, so forlorn, he wished he hadn’t said anything. 

There was no answer, and no one opened the door. At first, he was relieved but then his panic grew. Had he imagined the knock? Was there someone still in front of his door, waiting for him to open? What did they want? Why were they here in the middle of the night?

Please no, he thought, wishing he had the courage to turn on the light. But he was unable to move, and the bed stand seemed so far away. He hated himself for being such a coward and he knew what his father would have to say about that. 

It’s not him in front of that door, he thought. He’s long dead.

Kylo killed his father. 

The words came into his mind unbidden and reminded him how often he had killed his own father in his dreams.

He listened for a long time but the knocking had stopped.

*  
In the morning he was not able to remember when he had found courage to turn on the light, but the bedside lamp was burning when he opened his eyes.  
He shook his head at how stupid he had been once again. Why was he acting so strange? Then again, why had someone knocked at his door in the middle of the night, without wanting to enter?

You may have dreamed it, he told himself. It’s just your strained nerves and your unsettled mind playing tricks on you.

He had just had breakfast, when Kylo walked up to him in the hall. He had just come in from the cold and was wearing his coat which was covered in snow, just like his unruly hair. The white of the snow was a stark contrast against the black. Hux asked himself at what time Kylo got up. He looked as if he already had a few hours of work behind him. Hux would have liked to avoid the confrontation with him, but maybe it was for the best.

Kylo stopped and watched him, almost as if he noticed something had changed. Then he straightened himself. “I’m going out to the crib in an hour. Are you coming? I hung up your clothes in the boot room. Should be dry by now.”

“Thanks, but I’ve changed my mind.” Armitage’s fingernails dug into the skin of his palms. He hadn’t even noticed he had clenched his fists. “I’m not coming.”  
Kylo regarded him for a moment and his frown deepened. “Too cold for you?” he asked. To Armitage’s surprise it didn’t sound condescending, but almost worried. 

He shook his head. ”I just found I don’t like winter walks as much as I thought.”

Kylo stood still for a moment, as if contemplating Armitage’s answer and trying to make sense of it. Then comprehension dawned in his dark eyes and he turned around.

The way he walked away from him seemed so final, Armitage almost called out his name to tell him he had changed his mind again. He didn’t. Instead he leaned against the wall when the front portal closed behind Kylo. He didn’t feel as relieved as he thought he would. 

Also, he had no idea what he should do next. He felt too restless to read and he didn’t want to meet Marissa. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her, but she had asked so many questions during breakfast that Armitage didn’t want to answer. About his work, mostly. 

Back in London he had been constantly exhausted and had longed for more time to rest. Now that he had as much time to sleep or read as he wanted to, he found he could not relax anymore. His mind kept reeling.

He took a tour of the mansion which he hadn’t gotten around to doing, but he felt a little like an intruder, even though his great-uncle’s private quarters were locked when he wasn’t home. They were in the East wing, like Armitage’s room, while Marissa inhabited two chambers in the West wing. As far as he understood they were pretty much reserved for her, whenever she wanted to visit. To be honest he had yet to understand why his great-uncle was so fond of her, but maybe he was just better with people than Armitage. 

Finally, he decided to go out anyway. Yesterday he had felt so serene after their walk. Maybe he could repeat that. He asked a skittish Mitaka, who was dusting the portraits in the entrance hall for directions to the boot room. His coat was indeed hung up and he found that Kylo had stuffed his boots with paper, to make them dry faster. They were also cleaned. 

The cold air outside greeted him with the scent of snow and resin an he made his way down to the stables. For some reason he had always admired horses, even though he had never ridden one. They were such strong and gentle animals, but creatures like that weren’t for him. He had never allowed himself to go closer or pet and feed them. But he loved looking at them.

The three horses that were currently in the paddock behind the stables were some of the most impressive animals he had seen up to now. Their fur was of a rich brown, except for their ankles which were covered in long white fur. They were broad and well-muscled with arched necks and black manes. One of them walked up to the fence as if to greet Armitage. It had a broad white blaze and friendly dark eyes. He wished he had something to offer it. Two of them had probably pulled the sleigh he’d arrived in. He’d been too tired to really appreciate them then.

“Beautiful, aren’t they?” asked a deep female voice. He turned around and took in the blond woman, who had walked up to him, without him noticing. She was taller than him, maybe taller than Kylo even. She didn’t look unfriendly but also not very patient.

“Very beautiful”, he said.

“You must be Armitage Hux, the ginger from the city. Do you enjoy riding?”

“Never tried it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think horses would like me.”

She eyed him for a moment, making him feel uncomfortable. “You’re right”, she finally said. “They do have a mind of their own. But Baldur came to greet you. Here.” She pulled some oats from her pocket and offered them to Armitage. “Feed him.”

Armitage felt apprehensive but didn’t dare to protest. He stretched out his hand, heart beating a little quicker. The horse snorted and then his lips tickled Armitage’s skin when it ate the oats from his hand. He couldn’t believe how soft his muzzle felt. There wasn’t even a scrape of teeth. He smiled. 

“You’ll get to know each other”, the woman said. “It takes time.”

“You’re Phasma, right? Kylo told me your name.”

“Right. Didn’t you want to go in the wood with him today?”

“I changed my mind.”

“Well, it’s your choice”, Phasma said. She turned to walk away but looked back over her shoulder. “Just remember: it takes time to get to know someone.”  
Armitage was already freezing and despite the warm boots his feet felt like two blocks of ice. Still, he wanted to stay with the horses a little longer. He felt better out here and Baldur’s proximity and the fact that he didn’t seem to mind him calmed him. After a while he stretched out a hand and petted the horse’s neck over the fence. 

“So, you like horses, too.”

Armitage turned around to Marissa, who seemed to have a knack for finding him. She was wearing a fur cap and a long coat that was elegant despite being warm. He forced himself to smile. “This one is amazing.”

“I’ve always thought they look a little as if they’re wearing bell-bottoms. Roderick is fond of Clydesdales.“

So that’s what they’re called, Armitage thought, turning back to Baldur. “I understand that.”

“Would you like me to show you around the grounds?”

No, Armitage thought. He was cold and looking forward to getting back into the warmth of the manor.

Yes, he said. He’d always been bad at telling people if he didn’t want to do something and it was especially difficult with Marissa. Her questions had a way of sounding more like demands.

Still he liked exploring the snowed in grounds of his uncle’s manor. The old owlery was close by, though it wasn’t inhabited by birds of prey anymore. There was a greenhouse where tomatoes and peppers grew even now. And they walked down to the lake. Armitage was astonished by the beauty of the frozen surface that glittered in the few rays of sunlight that broke through the clouds. Even the willows were frozen and their low hanging branches seemed like strings of silver beads. 

Marissa kept talking to him, telling him about his uncle’s plans for the manor and the surrounding grounds, but he wasn’t really listening. 

On their way back, they passed the paddock once again and he stopped short when he saw Kylo, repairing the fence. Though he must have noticed them when they came closer, he seemed very concentrated on his work and didn’t even look up. Armitage felt his heartbeat in his throat and he wasn’t sure why. Was he scared of Kylo? Or was it just the awkwardness of knowing he had offended him? He would have very much liked to silently pass him by, but Marissa had other plans.

“Ben?” she called, when they were getting closer.

He didn’t look up.

“Ben, I’m talking to you.” Her tone was clipped, commanding.

“Yes?” He still didn’t look up.

“The chicken coop needs fixing today.”

“I know.” His voice was calm, but by the way his shoulders tensed, Armitage could tell he was irritated.

“A fox could get in tonight.”

Kylo continued his work.

“Did you hear what I said?”

“I did.”

“Lord Whitecliff won’t like it if he loses his chicken to a fox.”

“No.” Kylo lowered the pliers he was holding and looked at her. His gaze was dark, challenging. “He wouldn’t.” Then he turned back to his fence.

“My sleigh also still needs repairing. As I told you the last time I was here. Are you…”, Marissa started, but Armitage interrupted her. “Let’s get back to the house. It’s getting cold.”

“The delicate flower has spoken”, Kylo said and Armitage was taken aback by the venom in his voice. Up until now he had been condescending towards him but not hostile. His heart sank. He hurriedly walked towards the manor and Marissa followed him.

“He’s defiant and impolite”, she said. “I wonder why your uncle keeps him around.”

“I suppose he’s a good worker.”

“He may be but there are others who could do his job. I for one don’t like him. And I don’t trust him.”

Armitage was not sure he liked or trusted Kylo himself. Therefore, he was surprised how much it hurt how Kylo treated him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this kind of AU isn't everybody's cup of tea and so I'm extremely grateful for your kind feedback. I love this story and you motivate me to continue!


	4. Icicles

The day went by without Armitage seeing Kylo again and as night fell, he was starting to wonder what it would have been like to walk to the crib with him, feed and watch the animals. Of course, he had his reasons why he had declined, and he shivered when he remembered them again, remembered Kylo had killed his own father. Still, he couldn’t help feeling a little sorry. 

He began dreading the nights at Whitecliff Hall. In a way it had been easier at home. Most nights he had fallen asleep to the sound of the TV, not even knowing what was on. At least it had drowned out his thoughts. Here he was confronted with his memories as soon as he lay down. 

He took some precautions like leaving on the lamp on the bedstand and locking the door, before he got under the covers. Sleeping with the lights on felt a little silly, but he couldn’t bear the darkness tonight. Finally, he took one of the blue sleeping pills and forced himself to read three pages of “Pride and Prejudice”. Dr. Dameron always recommended some light reading before going to sleep. He hadn’t followed his advice until now, but he needed all the help he could get. He rested his head on the pillow and inhaled the scent of pine, wondering if Kylo had set up the tree in his room as well.

 

His heart was beating frantically when he awoke, and he sat up panting. He listened for a moment but there were no noises. Daylight was falling through the curtains and he breathed in deeply, his taut shoulders relaxing. He had slept through the night without waking up. Maybe his nerves were calming down. Running his hands over his face, he remembered a strange dream he’d had. He was out in the woods and his boot got stuck in the snow. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t able to pull it out and was about to panic. Then like a dark apparition Kylo stepped out of the trees and walked over to him. He picked Armitage up without any effort as he had done once before, his boot coming free easily now. Without speaking he carried him in the direction of the manor as if he didn’t weigh a thing. 

Armitage shook his head at the weirdness of the dream. He couldn’t even remember if he’d been frightened or not. He had certainly been sweating. Pulling a face, he decided to have a shower before breakfast today. 

Yesterday he hadn’t gotten around to make his call to Dr. Dameron. As his phone didn’t have service, he asked Canady for the house phone and the butler told him he was welcome to use his uncle’s study. Armitage was pleased about that privilege. It felt like his uncle trusted him, like he wanted him to feel at home. Canady ordered Mitaka to show him the way and the young man unlocked the massive oaken door and then handed Armitage the key. He politely left the room right away and Armitage had a look around. There was a large framed map on the wall behind the enormous wooden desk. It had little pins in many places, apparently those indicated areas of the world his uncle had visited. Armitage had known he liked to travel, but he was still surprised he’d even been to Antarctica and South Africa. There were shelves with souvenirs from all over the world: a small statue of a Ganesha, a carved stone, a feather, a dainty porcelain bowl.  
He sat down in the comfortable chair behind the desk and for a moment he wished he could swap lives with his uncle. Becoming someone else seemed very desirable.

He picked up the receiver and dialled Dameron’s number, which he knew by heart. As he’d expected, a receptionist told him to wait and while he did, he took a pen from a little oddments tray and twirled it between his fingers. His uncle’s desk was charmingly chaotic with papers and stationary items lying around. There was a letter to a lawyer, addressed and stamped and he wondered for a moment why his uncle hadn’t posted it before he left. 

Then he heard Dameron’s voice.

“Is that really you, Hux?” he asked. “I thought you’d never call. How are you?”

Dameron sounded more relieved than he’d thought and that made him realize that his sudden departure after what had transpired must have been rather worrying. 

“I’m at my great-uncle’s house. Needed to get away for a while. I’m fine.”

Dameron exhaled. “Glad to hear it. You could have left me a message, you know.”

“I’m sorry, but I told you I was thinking about going.”

“I know. That’s why I haven’t called the police yet. Are you feeling better?”

“I’m getting there I think.” Armitage cleared his throat. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t want to tell Dameron he still had trouble sleeping. Somehow, he wanted him to believe he was getting better. He didn’t want to feel like a loser who couldn’t get his live together anymore.

“I think you made the right decision. This may be just what you need. The most important thing now is to find out what you really want to do.”

“Yes”, Armitage said, not at all convinced. Dameron had said that before as if finding out what he wanted was the solution to all his problems, when in fact there was nothing he wanted. Nothing seemed desirable or worth fighting for. His life seemed like a black hole to him.

“Give yourself time”, Dameron said. “Do what makes you happy.”

“Okay.”

“And I still think you should start therapy. I’m just a regular doctor. I can’t help you like a therapist could.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, I need to go now Armitage, but give me a call if anything changes or if you need someone to talk to, alright?”

“I will.”

“Good-bye. And try not to let anything bring you down. You’re very strong.”

Then Dameron’s voice was gone and to his own surprise Armitage felt a little abandoned.

 

He wasn’t sure what made him do it, but he found himself looking for Kylo outside. Maybe it was just because he wanted to avoid Marissa. He didn’t have trouble finding him. He was shovelling snow on the path to the chicken coop.

Armitage cleared his throat when he was right behind him, but Kylo didn’t slow down or look up.

“Hey”, Armitage said. “Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?” Kylo didn’t turn around to face him. 

“Could you take me to the village today?”

“No.”

For a moment Armitage was about to give up and just walk back to the house. But he knew if he did, he would not have the courage to ask something of Kylo again. 

“Tomorrow?”

“No. I have more than enough to do and too many people trying to order me around.”

Armitage felt annoyed about that and for a moment he contemplated demanding Kylo take him. He was a servant here after all. But he didn’t want things between them to become even worse. 

“I’m not ordering you, I’m asking.”

Kylo finally stopped shovelling and turned to face him. “Why do you want to go?”

“I need a Christmas present for my uncle.” Armitage hadn’t even thought of that reason before.

“Is he coming home for Christmas?” To Armitage’s surprise Kylo’s face lit up a little, the deep frown disappearing.

“He’s planning to.”

With one strong move Kylo pushed the shovel into the snow. “I’m getting the sleigh ready.”

Half an hour later Armitage climbed once again into the blanket nest on the sleigh. Maybe sitting here again had been his main reason to ask this favour of Kylo. He let himself sink into the warmth with a content sigh.

“Is Marissa coming?” Kylo asked and Armitage shook his head. Now that Kylo asked he felt a little bad for not asking her, but not bad enough to go back inside.  
“Good.” Kylo pulled another blanket over Armitage’s shoulder. The gesture felt more practical than daring or protective, but he was still glad about it.

“Thor and Baldur, right?” He asked, pointing at the horses, who were now starting their slow and steady trot.

“How do you know?”

“We kind of became friends yesterday.”

“I didn’t know you were interested in horses.”

“I didn’t really know either.”

Kylo turned to him and examined him for a moment. “Maybe you’re less of a city guy than I thought.”

From his mouth it sounded like a compliment and Armitage smiled. 

They spent the rest of the ride in comfortable silence and Armitage felt the same serenity he had experienced in the forest with Kylo. Not even the knowledge that Kylo had killed his father could change that. Part of his mind tried to tell him that Kylo couldn’t be trusted, that he was making a mistake, but he still felt safe.

Icicles were hanging from the branches of the trees framing the streets and he sometimes had to duck, to avoid being hit. Fir trees covered in white lined the road, the snow making them seem even more majestic. Clouds were hanging low and the lake they passed was a motionless mirror. Sometimes a few sunrays broke through the clouds and painted the ice silver. Despite his cheeks burning from the cold, Armitage felt warm inside.

Farglenn was situated in a valley, the houses, covered in snow, climbing up the slopes. It was only afternoon, but dusk was already approaching, and many lights were lit. They passed a small bridge on their way in, the river beneath them also frozen.

Kylo stopped the sleigh in a narrow street with many little shops and once again he appeared at Armitage’s side and lifted him off the sleigh to put him down on the pavement that was freed from snow.

“Thanks”, Armitage said, looking around. Right behind them was a little bakery with tiny frosted cakes on display. He also saw a candy shop and a book store.  
“I’ll tend to the horses and wait over there”, Kylo said, pointing to a pub across the street. 

Armitage felt a pang of disappointment. Had he thought Kylo would come gift shopping with him? Didn’t seem likely.

“Alright”, he said, turning towards the shops. He had no idea what to buy his uncle. For a moment he even considered calling after Kylo and asking him, but that would have been strange.

He spent more time than necessary rummaging around in the little shops, something he hadn’t done for ages. He even ended up buying a pair of warm mittens and a green handknit scarf for himself as well as an old-fashioned shaving brush that he didn’t need but had fallen in love with. For his great-uncle he had decided on an expensive fountain pen. He was unsure about his choice as soon as he’d paid for it, but it was already dark outside and time to go. 

It had started snowing again when he walked towards the pub and he was glad about his new warm scarf. He was passing the bakery when he froze. His heart missed a beat and continued in a fast and unsteady rhythm. The air was pushed from his lungs. No. That couldn’t be true. Gordon Hewitt could not be here.  
Memories he had buried deep inside his brain were startled awake and battled for dominance. He saw himself on the floor as if through the eyes of another person, hands pressed to his face. Looking up at Hewitt he saw him grinning as if he saw some kind of spectacle before him. He shivered at the satisfaction in his eyes and his knees felt weak.

He took another look at the man whose face was half hidden by his collar. Of course, it wasn’t Hewitt. What was he thinking? He took a deep breath and forced himself to take the next step. No need to make a fool of himself here as well. It was just his mind playing tricks on him again.

His inner calm was gone when he stepped into the pub. There hadn’t been many people in the village, but the pub was crowded, and he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He spotted Kylo sitting alone at one of the tables looking gloomy enough that no one had apparently dared to ask him if the other seats were free. Armitage pushed his way over to him and sank down on the bench, facing him. He was still a little shaken. 

“Are you alright?”, Kylo asked. “You look as if you’ve been chased by a herd of cows.”

Armitage raised one eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You look spooked.”

“It’s a little crowded in here, that’s all.”

Kylo nodded. “I don’t like it either.”

“Too bad you haven’t been able to scare everyone away with your scowl.”

“Yes. Too bad.” Kylo took the last swig from his beer. “Do you want anything? Whiskey maybe? Looks like you could use it."

No. I don’t drink.”

“Figures.”

“How so?”

“If you had a little drink every now and then you might be less stuck up.”

“I’m the one who’s stuck up?” Armitage asked, exasperated. 

“Well, yes.”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

“I’m not stuck up, I just don’t like talking.” Kylo got up and Armitage followed him to the bar. It was a lot easier walking through the crowded pub with Kylo, because everyone moved out of his way.

“Same goes for me.” 

“If you say so.” Kylo waved to the bartender who came over to them immediately.

“I’m paying”, Armitage said.

“You don’t have to.”

“You did me a favour, taking me here.” He paid for three beers and they left the pb together.

“Did you find a present for your uncle?” Kylo asked, when they were both seated in the sleigh again.

“I bought him a fountain pen.”

“He’s going to love that.”

“Do you think so?”

“He loves writing. Besides, it’s a present from you.”

Armitage turned to face Kylo, surprised. “Do you also think my uncle is that fond of me?”

“He is. You’re the person he talks about most.”

“It’s hard to believe”, Armitage said, but the warm feeling that had left him when he thought he saw Hewitt returned. He leaned back into the covers and closed his eyes, wishing he could sleep here instead of in his room.

He wasn’t looking forward to the night, even though he told himself there was nothing to be afraid of. His strained nerves were calming down. The nightmares would stop.

 

“You really could have told me you’re going down to the village”, Marissa said as she entered the dining room. “I would have accompanied you.“

Armitage felt bad immediately. “I’m sorry, it was a spur of the moment thing.”

She eyed him while Canady filled her wine glass. “I thought you did not want to be alone with Kylo.”

“It was fine.”

“Don’t you feel like you should be more careful around him?”

“Maybe I should. I’ll be more cautious next time.”

She left it there and he was glad about it. In fact, he was a little surprised himself at his lack of wariness around Kylo. It wasn’t like him. And he hated to think it was because he found him attractive. 

 

Despite what had happened in the first nights he still liked his room and felt safe here. After his visit to the city he was pleasantly tired and felt sure that he would sleep well tonight. Still he took one of the pills to be sure. Maybe tomorrow he could speak to Kylo again. They had ended the day on good terms. He turned off the light and went over to the window and opened the curtains, half hoping to see him out there.  
He peeked into the darkness and decided this was not a good idea. The shadows between the trees made him think there was someone lurking out there and he hurried to turn the light back on. Better. Maybe he was a coward, but he needed the light at the moment. Once again, he locked the door before slipping under the covers and reaching for his book.

 

He must have fallen asleep reading because he was once again startled awake by the scratching sound. It felt as if cold fingers were running down his spine and he curled into a ball out of instinct. The worst was that the lights were out. Had he turned them off half asleep or had the light bulb burned out?

He almost whimpered at the thought. He felt his fingernails dig into the flesh of his arms and told himself to relax. The scratching came again, and he knew with awful certainty that this wasn’t a cat, no matter what he had tried to tell himself after last time. Oh, how he wished Millicent was with him now. How he wished anyone was with him.

But someone is with you Armitage, a cold voice in his head said. Someone is right outside your door. 

He heard his own ragged breathing and was ashamed of his fear. He was useless, a coward. Scared stiff by some scratching sound. 

But those are human nails, he thought, terrified. Why would anyone in their right mind scratch at another person’s door?

Had he locked it? Had he locked the door? He wasn’t sure. 

The scratching came again.

Go away, he wanted to shout. But all that came was a pathetic whisper. 

And then there was another sound that made the little hairs on his neck stand on edge. Crying. Someone was crying outside his door and something about that sound made him want to scream in terror.

His hands came up to his face, the nails scratching the skin of his cheeks. 

He had to have light, otherwise he was going to lose his mind. Something about the crying sound was completely wrong and once he realized what it was, he would snap. He knew it. 

He felt for the switch with trembling hands, certain that something would grab his hand in the darkness. When he found it the relief he’d hoped for didn’t come. The room remained dark.

The lightbulb, he thought, his heart racing. I’m going to go crazy.

His ears started ringing, and he pressed his hands to them to drown out any sound. Not again, please not again, he whispered. He had to stay focused had to tell himself he was only dreaming. 

It felt like hours passed while he was lying awake in his bed, shaking, not daring to take his hands away from his ears, because he could not bear to hear that sound again. 

Much later, when exhaustion finally won, and he let his hands sink, he heard bustling from the stairs and the rooms below. But it was a good sound, a sane sound. Nelly preparing breakfast, Mitaka lighting the fireplaces, Kylo going out for his first round on the premises. Kylo.

He took a deep breath and pressed his hands to his face. His cheeks were wet, he noticed, though he was sure he hadn’t cried. Dim light fell through the curtains and he sat up, still shaking. He was horrified when he noticed the sheets were also wet, because he thought he had peed himself. Relief flooded him when he realized it was only sweat but that was embarrassing enough. 

He stalked over to the bathroom and was shocked when he saw a smudge of blood on his right cheek. Then he remembered he had scratched his skin. Hard enough to draw blood, apparently.

He groaned when he looked in the mirror. His face was pale, the skin almost translucent and there were dark circles under his eyes.  
An idea crossed his mind and he walked over to the bed stand. He hesitated a moment and then pressed the switch of the night lamp. Warm light flooded the room. Armitage closed his eyes, swallowing hard. Why had he not been able to turn it on in the night?  
Another nightmare, he thought. Just another nightmare.  
But it was getting harder to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed your holidays or at least they weren't too bad.  
> This story is really special to me and I'm grateful for any comments and kudos you throw my way.


	5. Crows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm grateful for your kudos and comments. Some of this is not easy to write so I'm glad about the encouragement.

“Did you cut yourself shaving?” Marissa asked when Armitage walked into the dining room for breakfast, a little late.

He was glad she offered him an explanation. 

“Yes.”

“You should be a little more careful.”

He nodded and reached for a roll.

“It looks as if you didn’t sleep too well”, she added.

“I can make you a warm milk with honey tonight”, Nelly offered, pouring him coffee. “Your uncle always has one. Believe me, it helps.”

“Thanks, Nelly”, Armitage managed a wry little smile. He wasn’t hungry and managed to eat only half of his roll. Nelly was crestfallen. 

“Please tell me your favourite meal”, she said. “I’ll cook it tonight. I can’t believe you look even thinner than when you arrived here. And you were wafer-thin then.”

“You’re hurting Nelly’s pride”, Marissa said with a smile. “She was sure she would have fattened you up by now.”

“Oh please stop, Mrs. Walcott. The boy needs to eat!”

As stupid as it seemed, their banter calmed Armitage down. As long as they didn’t suspect he was losing it, he could pretend everything was alright. “I don’t want you to go to any trouble for me but I Iove pasta with salmon”, he said.

“That’s one of Kylo’s favorite dishes, too”, Nelly said, delighted. “I’d love to make it for you.”

“Maybe Kylo could eat with us”, Armitage said.

Marissa raised her eyebrows. “That would not be appropriate.” 

“The servants always eat down in the kitchen”, Nelly said. “But he’ll still be happy about the meal.”

After breakfast Armitage went to look for Millicent and found her in the cosy little room adjacent to the library. She was lying in the window sill again and Armitage sat down next to her. She purred when he ran a hand over her soft fur and for the first time this morning, he was able to breathe easy. The heavy weight on his chest seemed to lift a bit. 

“You like it here, too?” he asked. “In my opinion this is the best room in the house. It’s so quiet.”

She answered with a tiny meow and he smiled. “I once read that cats can tell when people become crazy. Do you think that’s what’s happening to me?”

She pushed her little head against his hand. 

“You’re too kind”, he said. “Thanks for liking me. But I also read cats like crazy people best, so maybe I should be worried.” He listened to her purring for a moment and felt his own heartbeat calm down. “No, I’m sorry. I’m just happy you like me.”

He leaned his head against the window and enjoyed how cool it was. Looking out he sat up a little straighter as he saw Kylo heading towards the wood. He was dressed in his long black coat and held an axe in his hand. It should have looked frightening, but Armitage wished he was with him.

“He wondered how he felt about killing his father. Maybe he hated himself for it now. He could not imagine anymore that Kylo had the mind of a killer.

 

Hux became restless again after lunch, because he felt the evening approaching. The clothes he borrowed from his uncle were hung up to dry in the boot room once again. He went out and walked down to the lake, telling himself he wasn’t looking for Kylo. Still, he couldn’t help hoping he would run into him by accident. But he was nowhere in sight. He should be back from the woods now, right? 

The snow-covered landscape wasn’t helping him today. It was too wide, too unpredictable and the white was almost too much for his eyes. Still, the frozen branches of the willow, hanging low over the lake were beautiful. A group of crows had settled on the frozen surface. Armitage could hear their croaking, saw them flapping their black wings and it felt as if they were staring back at him. For a moment he wondered if they were really there or if he was imagining them as he had imagined seeing Hewitt’s face in Farglenn. 

A murder of crows, he thought. That is what a group of them is called. 

Murder. A shiver ran down his spine.

His hear beat faster when he heard footsteps approaching and he turned around hopefully. Of course, he was not disappointed when it was Marissa, joining him at the frozen shore. 

“I love this view”, she said. “In summer you can take a boat out on the lake. Sometimes I stay there for hours. You should come here again when it’s warm.”  
“I will”, Armitage said. “I plan to come more often.”

“I’m glad about that. It’s good that you’re here now.” She turned her head to face him and when he looked at her, he saw how serious her expression had become. “There is something I’ve been wanting to ask you, Armitage.” She captured his gaze. “Are you really taking a holiday? Or is there something else?”  
He felt his mouth become dry and his heartbeat quicken. “I’m taking a holiday over Christmas and my uncle asked me to come here. He’s asked often, so when he repeated his invitation this time, I decided to go. What else should there be?” He was talking too fast, saying too much. He sounded as if he was defending himself.

“You always declined his request before.” She gazed at him as if trying to read him. “What changed?”

“Nothing changed. I just decided it was time.” He tried not to let the croaking of the crows distract him.

“I want you to know that you can trust me, Armitage. If there is anything bothering you, anything you want to talk about…” She hesitated. “You seem restless, distraught. Maybe you need a friend. Someone you can confide in.”

Maybe he did. But he also felt she could not be that for him. He could not put his finger on why he felt that way. Up to now she had only ever been courteous, even friendly towards him. Still there was something that made him feel uneasy in her presence.

“That’s kind of you, Marissa”, he said. “It’s really only my nerves. I may have been working too hard. At least my doctor keeps telling me so. It has become hard for me to relax.” That at least was the truth.

She eyed him for another moment and then turned away from him. “I hope you’ll feel better soon, Armitage. I’ve come to like you a lot. I’m glad we finally met.”  
“So am I.”

She had not acknowledged the crows which were still pecking the ice and scratching at the ground with their claws. Then again maybe they were a common sight for her. He didn’t dare point them out.

 

When dinner time arrived, he was feeling more unsettled by the hour. Determined not to let it show, he listened to Marissa’s talk about one of the halls that needed re-decorating in her opinion and made comments when necessary. 

Nelly brought in a steaming pot of pasta with salmon and Armitage was genuinely touched. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had cooked specially for him. 

“Nelly, that’s really kind of you”, he said, inhaling the wonderful smell. “You didn’t have to.”

“Just promise me you’ll at least empty your plate today”, she said. “You need to eat right.”

Armitage took a bite from the enormous amount of pasta she had loaded on his plate. 

“It’s delicious. I won’t be able to resist a second helping.”

“That’s all I want.” Nelly beamed at him. 

“Kylo repaired the chicken-coop by the way”, Marissa said. “But my sleigh is still broken. At least I’m glad he doesn’t completely ignore my orders.”

“He cares about the animals, I think”, Armitage said. He wasn’t sure in how far Marissa was entitled to give Kylo orders, but he sure as hell would not bring that up. She was a guest here after all and all the other servants seemed to expect her to give them orders.

Marissa snorted. “That’s the only thing he cares about.”

“I had the impression he is also fond of his great-aunt”, Armitage said, taking another bite from the pasta. He wasn’t really hungry, but the meal was so well-seasoned and perfectly prepared, his appetite was reawakened for now.

“He should be”, Marissa said. “She was the one who took him in after he got out of jail. “He had no other place to go and wasn’t able to find work, before your uncle hired him.”

“And he does his job here well”, Nelly said. 

Marissa frowned. “Most of it.”

Armitage ended up eating two plates and Nelly was overjoyed. He had been kind of hoping to see Kylo the whole day. He hadn’t actively looked for him, but … well maybe he had looked for him. But since the morning when he’d seen him hike into the woods, there had been no glimpse of th man. He was even a little worried now. 

When he passed Mitaka in the hallway, he asked him to show him to Kylo’s room, which Mitaka did without question or hesitation. The young servant was painfully shy and seemed constantly afraid someone might scold him. Armitage liked him, though, because he made him feel in control and never second-guessed anything Armitage asked of him.

He was surprised to find out Kylo’s room was on the level below his own and there was a staircase close by, so the rooms were not far apart. Somehow, he had thought the servant’s quarters would be in another part of the house. He knocked while Mitaka politely waited and realised he didn’t have a reason for disturbing Kylo. He decided he would ask if he could join Kylo on a walk tomorrow. But there was no answer to his knock.

He turned to Mitaka.

“Any idea where he might be?”

“He spends a lot of time in his workshop, repairing stuff”, Mitaka said. “Or he’s helping Phasma with the horses. Sometimes he also sleeps in his cottage near the woods, even in winter.”

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow then.” Armitage felt low-spirited, but that was just because night time was approaching. He would have liked to talk to Kylo before reclining to his room. 

“Do you by any chance have a flashlight I could borrow?” he asked Mitaka.

Mitaka’s face lit up. “Yes, of course!” As always, he was glad to help and offered to bring the device to Armitage’s room. Armitage felt a little better now. At least the light could not betray him tonight. He took the stairs up to his room and closed the door behind him. He walked up and down on the soft carpet a few times before he realised, he was pacing and sat down at the delicate wooden desk next to the window. The fire in the fire place was already out but it was still cozy and warm. He knew by now that the manor had modern heating. This place lacked nothing, really and he liked it more and more, despite his nightmares having reached a culmination here. He was no stranger to them, but they had never been this realistic, this frequent. 

He knew he should face his fears, get up and open the door. And by daylight he always thought he would be able to do it next time, but when darkness had fallen like now and there were strange shadows lurking in every corner, he felt more and more feeble. And he remembered how paralyzed he had felt during the last nights. What was happening to him? He felt more like himself than he had this morning, but he remembered the abyss he had felt opening inside his mind and he feared it more than anything else.

A knock on the door startled him and he jumped to his feet, his heart beating like crazy. Then he remembered that Mitaka had promised to bring him the flashlight and he was flooded with warm relief. 

“Yes?” His voice sounded coarse and his pulse was racing.

Kylo entered the room and Armitage’s heart beat even faster, making him feel a little light-headed.

“Sorry to disturb you. Mitaka said you requested this.” Kylo held out a flashlight. “He also said you wanted to talk to me, so I thought I’d take it up to you.” He hesitated, studying Armitage’s face. “Are you alright?”

“Just a little headache”, Armitage said. It wasn’t true. His headache had not returned. “Thank you. Yes, I came to your room earlier.”

“I was out with the horses and just came in. Mitaka could not find the flashlight so I got one from the shed.”

Armitage nodded. “Thank you.” Kylo probably wondered what he needed a flashlight for when he had a bedside lamp. He felt foolish for demanding one and his cheeks started to warm.

So, what was it?” Kylo asked.

“Armitage swallowed. “I just feel better with it.”

“No, I mean what did you want from me?” Kylo still held out the flashlight and Armitage took it from him.

For a moment that seemed like forever Armitage could not remember what he had planned to ask Kylo. Then it came back to him. “I wanted to come with you”, he said. “Into the woods. Tomorrow.” It sounded strange to his own ears and he wished he could take it back immediately. Why was he so awkward? So weird?”  
“I’m not going tomorrow”, Kylo said.

“Oh. I see.” Armitage swallowed hard. “I understand.”

“I have a lot of stuff to repair.”

Armitage nodded. He knew rejection well. That was something no one had to explain to him.

“Need anything else?” Was he imagining it or was there a hint of worry in Kylo’s eyes?

He shook his head.

Kylo hesitated. “If you want me to, I can tell you when I’m going out to the crib again.”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

“Goodnight then”, Kylo said. “Hope your headache gets better.” He left the room and Armitage stood frozen to the spot for a few moments. He could not believe that Kylo had been in here. The whole day he had wanted to talk to him and now he had completely blown it. Yesterday on their way to Farglenn it hadn’t been this hard to talk to Kylo. He rubbed his face with both hands and took a few deep breaths. At least his anxiety about the night had eased a little. 

He got ready for bed scolding himself for not having been more eloquent. Clutching the flashlight, he turned on the beside lamp that was still working and pulled the covers up to his chin. He did feel a little safer now. Maybe it was the flashlight, but right now he could believe that everything that had happened during the last nights had been bad dreams and he felt more in control than he had since he’d arrived here. 

Maybe I’m going to be alright, he thought. And that was the most positive notion he’d had in a long while. Maybe everything was going to be alright and he could turn his life around. He closed his eyes and sleep came almost immediately.

Joy flooded him when he opened his eyes and pale light was falling through the curtains. He had slept through the night. The flashlight was still clutched in his fist, but he felt rested and at ease. He was not losing it. Not yet. His mind was finding a kind of balance and he had to hold on to that.

For the first time in weeks he felt as if he had the power to change something in his life, to take matters in his own hands. It was possible to leave what happened in London behind. People came back from worse experiences and he would survive this one. The man looking back at him from the bathroom mirror seemed less gaunt and there was a ghost of a smile on his lips. What a good night’s sleep and a nice meal could do for you. He opened the curtains and ignored the crows in the snow below. There was nothing extraordinary about a few birds after all.

He ate two croissants for breakfast and made small talk with Marissa. Today he would talk to Kylo again he decided, but first he wanted to call Doctor Dameron. He had to search for the key to his uncle’s study that had been left in his possession and found it in a drawer of the desk in his room. 

Sitting down once more in the chair in his uncle’s study he hesitated before picking up the receiver. It seemed to him as if the letter to his uncle’s lawyer had been moved to a different position. Then he told himself it didn’t matter. No more lingering on marginal things. This was part of what made his head spin so often. Maybe he was imagining things, maybe Mitaka had dusted the table. He would not contemplate this.

To his surprise Dameron picked up the phone himself this time. He was startled for a moment. “It’s me”, he finally said. “Hux.”

“Hux!” Dameron sounded pleasantly surprised and for the first time Armitage asked himself if his doctor genuinely liked him. He had never considered that before. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes.” Armitage said. “No. Not everything. That’s why I’m calling.”

“Please go on.”

“The blue pills you prescribed me…”

“Yes?”

“What kind of side-effects can they have?”

“Why?” Dameron sounded alarmed. “What is wrong?”

“Nothing, really. I had some strange dreams during the last nights. And I have difficulty calming down. I just wanted to make sure that has nothing to do with the medication I take.”

“No, it can’t be the pills”, Dameron said. “To be honest they’re not much more than a placebo.”

“Oh.” Armitage was surprised. 

“I’s a mixture of St. John’s wort and valerian. Only natural ingredients of a low dosage.” Dameron hesitated for a moment. “I didn’t want to prescribe anything stronger without you going to therapy.”

“Were you afraid I might overdose?”

There was a short silence. “Yes, to be honest. By accident, of course.”

“By accident?” Armitage didn’t believe it, but he also couldn’t blame Dameron. He knew he had been very much beside himself before he left London.   
“I just wanted to make sure nothing happened to you. What kind of nightmares are you experiencing?”

Armitage felt self-conscious again. If Dameron had though, he might overdose, he surely thought he was not stable.

“Just regular stuff. Trying to run and not being able to. Losing my teeth, something like that.”

“That’s to be expected, I must say. Just give it time.”

“I thought so”, Armitage said, relieved Dameron seemed to believe him.

“Your mind may also have trouble adjusting to the new situation. You’ve always worked hard. It might be difficult to go from 200 per cent to nothing.”

“I hadn’t thought of that”, Armitage said. “You might have a point there.”

“It might help if you found something to do. Something you enjoy of course.”

“Good idea.”

“And Hux?”

“Yes?”

“I still think you need to talk to someone about what happened. It doesn’t have to be a therapist if you’re so appalled by the idea.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, doctor. I have to go now. Thank you for the advice.”

“You’re welcome. Call me again whenever you want to.”

Armitage hung up and cast another glance at the letter. It disturbed him that it had been moved. As far as he remembered, Mitaka had said there was only one other key to this room that his uncle always took with him. He shook his head, got up and left, making sure to close the door behind him.

The headache hit him like a lightning bolt to the head, making him wince with pain. He leaned against the wall next to the door and brought both hands up to his temples, pressing his fingertips against them. The ache made him feel nauseous and the light in the hall was suddenly too bright. He closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. He was prone to headaches, but it had never felt like this, as if a hot iron rod was drilled into his head. There was a screeching sound in his ears and he wanted to lie down, but of course he could not lie down in the hallway. What would the servants think if they found him like that? What would Marissa think?

I can’t faint, he thought. Not here.

He forced himself to open his eyes and his vision blurred, but he was sure he saw a black crow staring up at him from the carpet. He knew he needed to get away from it. Feeling his way along the wall he moved in the direction of his room. If he could only make it to there he could lie down and wait until this was over. Then everything turned black.

 

When he came to, he was standing in the entrance hall, without any idea of how he got here. His head was still throbbing, but the pain had lessened a little, making it possible to think. What was happening? Why did he have no recollection of walking here? 

His knees went weak.


	6. Blanket

The great staircase was right behind him and Armitage let himself sink down on the second step, resting his forehead in both hands. It saved him from the embarrassment of fainting. His ears were still ringing and there was an empty feeling in his stomach.

“Nelly!” He heard Marissa call out and moaned inwardly. He could not pass out now, even if his heartbeat was loud in his ears and he felt light-headed.  
“Help! I need someone!” The worry was evident in Marissa’s voice and he knew he should be thankful she cared about him. He knew it wasn’t to be taken for granted. Still all he felt right now was apprehension and the need to hide from her what was going on.

“Armitage!” She was at his side now and he felt her soft touch on his shoulder. “What happened? Did you faint?”

“No.” He tried to sound reassuring, but his voice croaked. “I’m just a little dizzy. A cold, probably. I’ll be alright in a minute.”

“Mr. Hux!” Nelly sounded even more anxious than Marissa, but this time Armitage felt touched by her concern. “Are you alright? My lord, you’re so pale.”

“I’m always pale.” He managed to look up and thankfully the lights didn’t seem so bright anymore. He didn’t think he could stand, though. 

Nelly’s eyes were wide with worry, her cheeks flushed. “It’s because you’re not eating right. I told you!”

“Nelly, get Mitaka and Canady.” Marissa said. “We have to get him into his room. He should lie down.”

Or get Kylo, Armitage thought. He could carry me. A moment later he was glad he hadn’t said that out loud. He was more out of it than he’d thought, apparently.

“Of course, of course!” Nelly took off and Armitage closed his eyes. Getting to his room seemed like a good idea.

*  
“Careful, it’s still hot”, Nelly said, putting down a tablet with a steaming bowl on the bed stand next to him. “But don’t wait until it’s too cold. Chicken soup has to be eaten while it’s warm.”

“I promise”, Armitage said. Two cushions were stuffed behind his back and there was a cold cloth on his forehead. If he hadn’t been so anxious about what Marissa thought it may have felt good to be taken care of like this. Even when he’d been a child his father had only asked him to man up whenever he was ill. And he had been ill a lot. 

“Are you feeling a little better?” Nelly plumped up his cushion for the third time. “Is there anything you need?”

“Thank you, Nelly, it’s really just a harmless cold.”

“The way you were sitting on those stairs didn’t seem harmless to me”, Nelly said with a frown. “I’ll never forgive myself if anything happens to Lord Whitecliff’s nephew under this roof. I’m glad Marissa called for Doctor Storm.”

“She did?” Armitage sat up.

“Yes, dear. He was out visiting patients, but he should be here soon. Don’t look so worried, he’s an excellent doctor. We’re lucky to have him.”

“I don’t need a doctor.” His heart beat in his chest like a scared little bird. 

“He’ll just have a look at you, dear. Nothing to worry about.” She put a hand on his head and the gesture calmed him a little. She was right. He didn’t have to worry. The fact that he didn’t trust doctors apart from Dameron didn’t mean they meant him any harm. And a fainting spell was no reason for any drastic measures. Still, he could not relax afterwards.

When Doctor Storm entered the room, followed by Marissa, he looked nothing like Armitage had expected. He had pictured and elderly country doctor with intelligent blue eyes, a beard and a cylinder. Well, Storm’s dark eyes were intelligent, but that was where the similarities with Armitage’s imagination stopped. He was a young and very attractive black man with whit teeth and a reassuring smile. 

“Good afternoon, Mr. Hux”, he said, sitting down in the chair beside the bed. Armitage felt even more fragile next to him, but still he felt like Doctor Storm could be trusted. He relaxed a little. “Good afternoon, doctor.”

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Storm’s warm eyes searched his face. There was not a hint of ill will in them.

“He fainted on the stairs”, Marissa said. “And he has not been well since he arrived. We are all starting to worry.”

Storm turned around. “I’m sure Mr. Hux can speak for himself. Could you leave us alone for a moment Mrs. Walcott?”

Marissa’s expression fell, but she nodded curtly and closed the door behind her.

“It was really nothing”, Armitage said, trying to smile. “I worked too hard back in London and I think I may have caught a cold. I’m prone to fainting.” That was a lie, but how was Storm to know?

“I see. Are you in pain now?”

“No.” The headache had lessened, and he didn’t want to alarm the doctor. Apart from that he was feeling better. He was sure if he told Storm he had no recollection of walking down the stairs to the entrance hall, it would be seen as a bad sign. He had to be careful. As he knew well enough, people who seemed trustworthy could still stab you in the back. Another wave of nausea overtook him, and he closed his eyes.

Storm removed the cold cloth from his forehead and brought his fingers to his temples. 

“Does this hurt?” he asked, pushing lightly.

He was gentle, but another stab of pain rushed through Armitage’s head.

“No”, he said, weakly. 

Doctor Storm motioned for him to sit up and Armitage did. “Can you please take off your shirt?” He examined him quickly but thoroughly, listened to his breathing and his heartbeat and Armitage was glad when he was allowed to put his shirt back on. He hated this part of examinations. The doctor took his pulse and looked into his ears and throat, before sitting back down on the chair, writing down some notes.

“There seems to be nothing wrong, apart from a slight inflammation of the pharynx”, Doctor Storm said, looking up at him with serious eyes. “My guess is you’re right and your symptoms are due to exhaustion. I’m leaving you some painkillers in case the headaches return. I’ll be back to have another look at you tomorrow. Keep warm and take it easy until then.”

“I will”, Armitage said, trying to hide how relieved he felt.

“Are you on any medication?” Storm asked.

“Just St. John’s wort and valerian. I sometimes have trouble sleeping and my doctor at home prescribed it. Doctor Dameron in London.”

Storm nodded and wrote that down as well. Then he looked up and smiled. “Nelly is right. You need to sleep and eat well. Luckily you have the best cook in the country here.”

“True”, Armitage also attempted a smile. “Thank you doctor for taking the time to come by.”

“Well, that’s my job. Don’t worry, we’ll have you back up on your feet in no time.”

He left, and Armitage’s shoulders relaxed. He realized only now how tense he had felt. But with the symptoms he showed now he knew there was a good chance he would not get out of the asylum as quick as the last time. He had to be very careful. There was no one who could help him if he really went down that road. He needed to focus. To man up, as his father had always told him. Whitecliff Hall may well be his last chance. He felt absolute dread at that thought and he knew it wasn’t helping. 

To take his mind off the reason for Doctor Storm’s visit, he got up to change into his pyjamas. His luggage had arrived yesterday, and he thought the sane thing to do was get ready for bed. Nelly had insisted on bringing his dinner upstairs anyway, so there was no need to leave the room again today. He went over to the window to draw the curtains and saw Doctor Storm leave the manor through the two-winged front portal. He took a step back, when a shadow emerged from the darkness and Kylo walked up to the doctor. They talked for a few moments and Storm put his hand on Kylo’s shoulder, before getting on his sleigh. 

Armitage wondered what they had been talking about and found himself almost wishing Kylo had come up to see how he was. That would never happen of course. 

The flashlight was gone. 

Armitage was sure he had stored it in the drawer of his bed stand, but it had disappeared. He felt under the bed with shaking hands and even pulled the small piece of furniture away from the wall, to see if it had somehow rolled underneath, but no. It was gone. In a frenzy he searched the desk and the cupboard and even his empty suitcase, but he could not find it. 

He sat down on the bed, biting his lip. It felt as if he had lost something of vital importance. What was he supposed to do if he heard the noises again and couldn’t switch on the bedside lamp?

You’re a grown man afraid of the dark, a cold voice told him. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

He was, but that didn’t change the fact that the thought of going to sleep without the safety of the flashlight made him cringe with fear. The house was already settling down and once again he wished he could see Kylo once more before he went to sleep. He knew it would have helped calm down his nerves. 

He brushed his teeth hesitantly, took one of Dameron’s pills and made sure the door was locked before he got under the covers of his bed. He took two deep breaths and turned off the bedside lamp, thinking that maybe the dark would help him calm down. He saw movement in the darkness, felt the shadows closing in on him and was glad when his hand found the switch, and the light came back on. Already he was breathing faster. No, he could not do it without the light.  
Maybe he could stay awake. At least the sounds would not wake him then and maybe he would not feel so overwhelmed and able to act in a normal way. If he was tired tomorrow, he could blame it on the cold and sleep. Sleeping while it was daytime and everybody else was awake seemed like a wonderful idea. Curling in on himself underneath the covers he used another trick that sometimes helped and imagined someone was holding him close. It didn’t matter who it was, just that the embrace felt warm and reassuring. The comfort of his imagination was taken from him when his mind let him feel muscular arms around his torso and a broad chest against his back. He knew who he was picturing without wanting to.

Stop, he whispered. You can’t do that to yourself. Don’t be ridiculous and try to keep some sense of dignity. He turned on his back and stared up at the ceiling. Should he leave Whitecliff Hall? But what if he didn’t get better when he was back in London? There was a good chance the problem wasn’t the manor but himself. And back in his apartment he would be completely alone again. The truth was he dreaded that loneliness now. He had gotten used to Nelly fussing over him, to the prospect of seeing his uncle. Marissa irritated him but at least she always wanted to talk to him. 

Be honest to yourself, he thought. There’s someone else you don’t want to leave behind. And that’s dangerous ground you’re walking on. Remember what happened the last time. 

No. He couldn’t go there now. He had to stop thinking. His headache was back, and he sat up to take one of Doctor Storm’s painkillers. Closing his eyes again, he felt how tired he was. There was no way he was going to stay awake the whole night. Maybe he would sleep through and wake up refreshed and calm. He turned his face towards the light and pressed his head into the pillow. Just a few hours of darkness. Somehow, he would make it through them. His nerves were so taut he believed there were sounds from the door. Breathing hard he turned around, but it was nothing. The room was completely quiet. Still, he couldn’t stop listening, staring at the door. The silence was driving him crazy. 

He threw the covers off, got up and turned on the lamp on the ceiling. Then he went over to the bathroom and turned that light on as well. The brightness made his headache worsen and he leaned down to drink water from the tab, avoiding looking at his image in the mirror. He needed to lie down. He was starting to feel dizzy again, but he could not stop looking at the door, as if he could keep the sounds away by staring at it. 

Very quietly he could hear the crying start. His fingertips went numb.

Then his vision swam.

When he opened his eyes, he was standing right in front of the door and it was starting to open. He wanted to scream but he didn’t have the breath for it. Then he realized that this wasn’t his own door and he wasn’t in his room any longer. His knees almost gave way and he had to stretch out a hand to steady himself against the wall.

“Hux”, Kylo said. “What are you doing here?” He had obviously been sleeping. His long hair was tousled, and he was wearing only black pyjama bottoms. His chest was bare, and Armitage couldn’t help staring. He’d known of course that Kylo was well-built, but his shoulders were so broad…

“I…” He was at a loss for words.

“Why did you scratch my door?” Kylo asked, running a hand through his hair. “Gave me a hell of a scare. Can’t you knock?”

“Did … did I do that?“ Armitage felt sick to his stomach and he was afraid he was going to faint again right here in Kylo’s doorway.

“Well, never mind, come in.” Kylo took his elbow and led him into the room. “You should probably sit down. He ushered Armitage to an armchair by the fireplace and he collapsed rather than sitting down. “Thank you.”

Kylo grabbed a shirt from a chair and pulled it on. “Did you sleepwalk here?” he asked, closing two buttons.

“No”, Armitage said. “No, of course not. I was worried, because I heard noises. Sorry to bother you,”

“It’s an old house”, Kylo said. “There are always noises. But I suppose it’s hard settling in when you’re used to your fancy apartment in London.” He smiled and once again Armitage was witness to the astonishing change of his expression. The dimples in his cheeks, the light in his eyes … his ferocity was gone. There was so much warmth and candour now. Armitage felt his pulse quicken but at the same time he felt calmer, more at ease. 

“Yes, that’s true”, he said, leaning back into the armchair. “I have such strange dreams here.” He swallowed hard. Being in this room indeed felt as if he had awoken from a terrible nightmare to the company of a friend.

Kylo’s face became serious again but if Armitage wasn’t completely mistaken there was a hint of worry in his eyes. “Nelly told me you fainted today.”

Armitage shook his head, wincing at the sharp pain in his temples. “I was only feeling a little light-headed. Everyone overreacted.”

“You’re white as a sheet now. What kind of noises did you hear?”

“It sounded almost like crying.” Armitage looked up at Kylo, frightened because he thought he’d given too much away. Could he risk being this open with him or did Kylo already believe he was going mental? 

“I’m sure it was just the wind”, Kylo said. He took a woollen blanket from the other arm chair and handed it to Armitage. “Nelly would never forgive me if I let you freeze in my room. Let me get you a warm milk with honey from the kitchen. You’ll feel a lot better after drinking it.”

“Yes, please”, Armitage said and suddenly he felt close to tears. Knowing that he was allowed to stay here a little longer and did not have to go back up to his room right away made him weak with gratitude. He really was such a coward.

He pulled the blanket over himself when Kylo had left the room and inhaled its scent. Smoke, wood and a hint of leather. Wonderful. Feeling a little better, he looked around. Kylo’s room was almost as big as his own but more stuffed. A work-bench took up one wall and there were objects in various stages of dissection on it. An old clock, a few broken cups, a radio. Strange that Kylo should find them worthy of repairing but it felt comforting to Armitage to see that. There was a small pine tree, almost the same as Armitage’s, decorated with a few wooden carvings. The bed was wide and unmade of course, because Kylo had just slept in it. Armitage looked away quickly. On the bed-stand there was the cookie box, Kylo’s aunt had given to Armitage. It felt like ages ago since he’d been on that train.

His fingers throbbed, and he pulled his hands out from under the cover. The tips of his index and middle fingers were bloody. So Kylo had told the truth and he had scratched his door. With a shudder he remembered his own thoughts: Why would a sane person scratch somebody’s door at night?

He closed his eyes and pulled the blanket closer.

What was happening to him? What was he going to do?

Right now, he felt so tired he could not make up his mind. This room was so calming, the blanket cozy and warm and knowing that Kylo would be back soon with hot milk chased the dark thoughts away. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still so grateful about the positive feedback for this story. Could not do it without you!


	7. Carving Wood

The bed didn’t smell like his own bed, but Armitage liked the scent so much, he didn’t even want to open his eyes. Maybe he didn’t have to. Maybe he could just go back to sleep, cuddle up in the wonderful warmth of the blanket that was covering him. Then he became a little more awake and his mind started to work. If he wasn’t in his own bed, where was he?

He sat up with a start, looking around. For a moment it calmed him to see the workbench and the fireplace. Kylo’s room. But how had he gotten into his bed? As far as he remembered, he’d fallen asleep in the armchair. Had he walked to the bed without remembering it? Had he made a complete fool of himself again? He sat on the side of the bed, running his hands over his face, trying to remember. At least he had slept better than any other night at Whitecliff Hall and the headache was gone. Kylo was nowhere to be seen and at the moment he was glad about that. He was embarrassed and confused and he had to get his thoughts in order before he could apologize to him.

A look at the alarm clock told him that it was already ten o’clock. He never slept that long. He had missed breakfast. What would Nelly and Marissa think?  
He got up and quietly pulled the door of Kylo’s room closed behind him. After a quick look around, he hurried up to his own room to get dressed. He had to act like a sane human being. It was mandatory. Even more so if Kylo had told the others that he had appeared in front of his door in the middle of the night. That he had _scratched_ his door. Maybe it was already too late.

Almost none of the clothes he had packed were practical here in the north of Scotland in winter, but of course he could not keep wearing his uncle’s clothes. He needed warm woollen jumpers, cargo pants or flannel shirts, like Kylo wore. The trousers and shirt he put on made him feel like a stranger here and he didn’t like it. He combed his hair in front of the mirror thinking that he needed a haircut. Maybe he could go back to the village soon with Kylo.

Then he remembered seeing Gordon Hewitt’s face there and he let the hand holding the brush sink. You did not really see him, he told himself. Don’t you realize it’s just your mind making things up? You need to remember that, Armitage, otherwise you are lost.

The problem was he knew it, but it didn’t make anything better. The things he saw and heard felt just as real and it made him even more anxious knowing others would not notice them. He ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach and left his room to make his way down to the kitchen. It was important to apologize to Nelly for missing breakfast and he also wanted to ask her for a cup of coffee he desperately needed.

Mitaka was in the hall, vacuuming and didn’t hear Armitage approach because of the noise. He jumped when he suddenly appeared next to him and quickly moved out of the way. Armitage greeted him as friendly as he could, asking himself if Mitaka really was afraid of him. Did he see him as a threat? It pained him to think so.

When he approached the kitchen, he heard voices, behind the half-closed door and hearing his own name, he stopped to listen. 

“I’m worried about Armitage”, Marissa said. “It’s not just the fainting, Nelly. Do you not realize how lost he sometimes seems? I can’t help thinking there’s something seriously wrong with him.”

Armitage closed his eyes. It became difficult to breathe.

“I’m worried too, of course”, Nelly said, and Armitage could hear the clinking of tableware. “But I’m sure it’s nothing that a few good meals and some rest can’t change. He’d feel a lot better if he gained some weight.”

Oh Nelly. Bless her kind soul.

“I’m not sure about that anymore”, Marissa said, and Armitage felt a cold hand grab for his chest. “He seems anxious, often confused. I’m almost sure he didn’t know where he was when he fainted in the hall. When I talk to him, he sometimes seems to be listening to something else. Or someone else. His symptoms remind me a lot of what I have seen while working at the pharmacy. In patients diagnosed with schizophrenia.”

The ice-cold hand closed around his heart and he couldn’t breathe. 

There was a loud clank from the kitchen and something shattered into a million pieces. 

“Oh lord!” Nelly exclaimed and there were noises of her cleaning up the shards. “Do you really think so Mrs. Walcott? Is it really that bad?”

“I don’t know of course, but we should keep a close eye on him, so he doesn’t harm himself. Or others.”

“We have to tell Lord Whitecliff. He will want to come home immediately.” Nelly’s voice was shaking now. “The poor boy. I feel so sorry for him. We have to help him. It doesn’t seem as if he has anyone else in the world.”

“We will of course. But don’t tell anyone yet, Nelly. Not even Lord Whitecliff. I have to be sure first.”

“We need to tell Dr. Storm of course.”

Please don’t, Armitage whispered under his breath. Please don’t do that. 

“No”, Marissa said, and Armitage felt able to exhale. “That would not be fair to Armitage. We have to be sure about this, Nelly. The only reason I’m talking about this with you is because I need someone to help me keep an eye on him.”

“Oh, I will”, Nelly said. “Even more than before now. And if there is something wrong with that poor boy, we’ll find a way to help him.”

“Of course,” Marissa said. “We will.”

What if there was no way to help him, Armitage thought. The way back up the stairs felt draining, as if he had run a marathon and back in his room he had to sit down at the desk and rest his head in his hands for a moment. He should not have come here. They were watching him and there was no way he was going to get out of here now. 

The next moment he jumped to his feet. The flashlight. Right in front of him in the middle of his desk. He picked it up with shaking hands and turned it on. It had not been here last night, right? Someone had been in his room. 

He went over to the window and opened the curtains. Then he walked to his bed and pulled the covers straight. 

“You are losing it, Armitage”, the cold voice in his head said. “Thinking someone is following you, feeling threatened. A typical symptom of schizophrenia.” His throat felt so dry he had to go over to the sink and take a gulp of water. 

No one was following him. No one had been in his room. The flashlight had been there the whole time and it was just this devastating anxiety that kept him from seeing things clearly. There were no scratching sounds at night and there was no crying. If he knew it was just his mind playing tricks on him, nothing could happen, right? He could overcome this, whatever it was. Sitting down on the bed he turned the flashlight in his hands. His fingers were cold, and his head was spinning. If only that gut-wrenching fear could leave him alone for a few moments and allow him to think clearly. He was sure he would be able to pull himself together then.

There was a knock on the door and he jumped, scolding himself for that reaction right afterwards. “Come in”, he said, rising from the bed.

Mitaka opened the door and Nelly entered with a tablet full of food. Armitage felt his stomach churn at the sheer amount of it. There were croissants, fried eggs, bacon and porridge. Luckily, he also smelled coffee.

“Good morning, dear”, she said, putting it down at the small table near the window. “Why are you up? You should rest today. I wasn’t sure you were awake, otherwise I would have come earlier. I hope you’re hungry.”

“Thank you, Nelly.” He tried to smile. “That’s too kind of you. I feel so much better today.”

“You look good, too”, she said. “No worries my dear boy, we’ll get you back on your feet in no time. I’ll leave you to your breakfast. Take your time, please. I’ll pick it up later.”

She left the room, followed by Mitaka who bowed his head in Armitage’s direction before closing the door.

With a sigh Armitage sat down at the table. He took a sip from the orange juice and forced himself to eat half a croissant and a few bites of egg, while drinking his coffee. He contemplated hiding some of the food to make Nelly happy but that seemed too strange. Still, the way she cared about him made him feel a little better and stopped his thoughts from racing.

Maybe he would feel even better outside. Whenever he had been out in the snow his mind had been clearer and he had felt less pressured. He could also look for Kylo and apologize for barging in on him in the night and stealing his bed. He felt ready to face him, especially since Kylo had been nothing but kind to him last night.

He left the tray on the table and hurried downstairs. Suddenly he could not wait to talk to Kylo again. He hoped he had not gone out into the woods. Feeling hopeful he made his way down to the paddock. Fresh snow had fallen in the night and even in his uncle’s winter boots it was difficult to walk through the snow. Kylo was nowhere in sight but Baldur walked up to the fence and Armitage stretched out his hand to pet his neck. The horse snorted and gently pushed his nose against his shoulder. 

“Seems like you made a friend.”

He turned around to see Phasma, leaning on a shovel. She was not smiling but her eyes were friendly.

“I like him”, Armitage said. He had been right. Out here it was easier to think clearly and the fear that had overtaken him after Marissa’s words was calming down a little. Nothing was lost yet. If he started acting normal, he might still convince everyone his behaviour had just been due to stress.

“He can feel that”, Phasma said. “Those horses have a strong sense for emotions.”

Somehow that made him feel uneasy.

“Do you by any chance know where Kylo is?” 

“I do. He’s with Loki.”

“Loki?”

“A devil of a horse. And he’s in one of his moods today. Only Kylo can calm him down then. But you can go in.“ She pointed at the stable. “He should have managed by now.”

Armitage patted Baldur’s neck once more and made his way down to the stable. It took him a moment to get used to the sharp smell of horse manure and straw but then he kind of liked it. Just like the warmth that embraced him immediately. It was gloomy in here, but he could hear movements from the back of the stable. He walked over and saw Kylo in one of the open stables. He had both hands on the neck of a beautiful black horse and was talking to it softly. It looked different from the Clydesdale horses. Leaner and more elegant. His neck was raised proudly, and his dark eyes were gleaming. It neighed and shied away from Armitage and he stopped in his movement.

“Shh, you’re alright”, Kylo whispered and the horse snorted.

“I’m sorry”, Armitage said. 

“No problem. He’s just acting up a little now.” He turned to face Armitage, a little smile on his face. “Slept well?”

“Yes. Yes I did. That’s why I’m here.”

“You want to sleep in my bed again?” Kylo raised an eyebrow, still smiling.

“No, of course not.” Armitage could feel his cheeks warm and was glad about the glumness of the stable. “I wanted to apologize. And to thank you.”

“There’s really no need. Do you feel better now?”

“A lot better. And I want to apologize for waking you in the middle of the night. I hope you did not feel harassed.”

“Harrased?” Kylo looked slightly confused. “No.”

“How…” Armitage swallowed. “How did I get into your bed?” His cheeks became even warmer, but he had to know.

“You fell asleep in my armchair and I carried you over. Don’t worry, though. I slept in the armchair.”

“You could have woken me up!”

“Dr. Storm said you needed sleep more than anything.”

Armitage nodded. He was glad Kylo didn’t seem to think too much of the whole episode. “Could you maybe not tell the others about my … about me appearing at your door? If you haven’t already.”

“I have not. It’s nobody’s business.”

“Thank you.” Armitage came a step closer. Loki eyed him suspiciously but did not move away. “He looks like a very special horse.”

“He is”, Kylo said. “Used to be a race horse, before he was badly injured. Your great-uncle fell in love with him and took him in. He’s a handful, though.” Kylo offered Loki some oats from his pocket and left the stall. Loki gave another snort that sounded disappointed in Armitage’s ears. 

Kylo closed the gate behind him and walked up to Armitage. “What are you up to today?”

Armitage felt a warm shiver run down his spine at the question. “I’m not sure. In fact, that may be part of my problem. I called my doctor and he suggested I should find something to do.” He shrugged. “I’ve always worked a lot and my idleness is getting to me I think.”

“That makes sense in a weird way.” Did he imagine it or was there warmth in Kylo’s eyes when he looked at him?

“Do you have any suggestions? Anything I could help you with?” It was a bold question and Armitage expected to be rejected. 

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Kylo asked, filling Loki’s crib with fresh hay. “I don’t want to be scolded by Nelly or Doctor Storm for not letting you rest.”

“I’m sure.” Armitage felt a smile tug at his lips. Why did he always feel sane when he was with Kylo? More than that. He felt content.

“I know a few things you could do around here”, Kylo said. “We can always use a helping hand.” He contemplated the question for a moment and seemed to come to a conclusion. “There’s something I would like to show you. Come on.”

Armitage followed Kylo out of the stable and along the snowy path that led up to the manor. They didn’t walk up to the main entrance though, but around the house until they came to a small shed that seemed to lean against the wall of the manor. Kylo opened the door and ushered Armitage inside. He was greeted by the smell of wood, smoke and oil and he liked it immediately. This was what Kylo smelled like, he realized. The inside of the shed was a little chaotic, but there was method to it. To the right here was a wooden working bench, much larger than the one in Kylo’s room, with a lot of disassembled objects and old-fashioned tools on it. On the floor he saw a desk with a broken leg, a sleigh whose skids were bent and a cabinet that was turned upside down. In one corner of the room Armitage noticed a wooden writing table with beautifully carved legs. He stepped closer to examine it and admired the intarsia and intricate ornaments.  
“I went a little crazy with that one”, Kylo said. 

“You made this?”

“Well, yes. It’s a Christmas present for your great-uncle.”

“Where did you learn to do that?”

“I was a carpenter’s apprentice, before…” Kylo stopped short and Armitage saw his shoulders tense. Kylo turned away from him.

Before he killed his father, Armitage thought. He almost contemplated asking about it, but the way Kylo’s face had changed just now told him that he should not bring it up. Every bit of joy seemed to have left him.

“It’s beautiful” he said softly. “My uncle is a lucky man.”

Kylo didn’t answer but lit the fire in a large fire bowl in the middle of the room. It became warmer immediately.

“Are you in here a lot?” Armitage asked. “He did not want Kylo to stop talking to him, didn’t want him to shut him out now. It was difficult enough to get a hold of him and he was too glad to be here with him now.

“Not as much at the moment. There’s a lot to do outside. But I come here as often as I can.” He walked over to a table to the left that had some wooden blocks and a lot of knives on it. Armitage followed him. On a little rack beside the table there were carved figurines of animals and Armitage remembered that his uncle had a few of them in his room. He loved them. The wood was polished and shiny and each of them had the characteristics of the animal while still representing a unique style of the creator. There was something wild and unpredictable about them. “This is what I wanted to show you. Have you ever tried carving wood?”  
“No. But I’d love to try.”

An hour later Armitage was lost in the task he had set himself. Kylo had given him some instructions on how to handle the knife and then left him to his work. Armitage wanted to make a penholder for his uncle. It was disappointing how far he was from the animals displayed on the little shelf. His piece of wood was uneven, and one could hardly guess what it was supposed to become, but he still loved the work. It was warm and cosy, he could hear Kylo working on the other side of the room.

He would have completely forgotten about lunch, if Kylo had not reminded him to go up to the house. He did not want to go. In here he felt almost back to normal. Up in the house he would be confronted with memories of the night again.

“Can I come back?” he asked, reluctantly setting his carved piece of wood down on the table.

“Of course,”, Kylo said. He was kneeling in front of the desk and polishing it. The oil he used smelled wonderful. “This estate belongs to your uncle, remember?”  
Armitage shook his head. “This is your shed.” He would have liked to say more but could not think of anything. Kylo was lost in his work anyway.

“Where were you?” Marissa asked over lunch. Nelly had served them pumpkin soup and Armitage was sure it was delicious, but he still hadn’t regained his appetite. 

“Getting some fresh air”, he said. For some reason he didn’t want her to know about the shed and of course she had no right to ask where he’d been. Then why did it feel as if she did? After listening to her talking to Nelly in the morning he knew he had to be careful around her.

“We were worried, you know?” she said lightly, but there was a frown on her face. “You were ill yesterday. Could you not have told me you were going out?”  
“I’m sorry” Armitage said. Why was he apologizing? Then again why was he not glad she cared about him? Maybe he was the one being impolite. “I’ll tell you next time.”

“Dr. Storm called. He will be here after lunch.”

Armitage had forgotten all about that second visit. Then again, he felt alright now. He would probably manage to convince Storm there was no problem.

“Mrs. Walcott is worried about you”, Dr. Storm said, when Armitage was sitting on the bed in front of him, his torso bare, trying to act as healthy as possible.  
“That is nice of her”, he said with a shrug. “I feel much better, though.”

“There is one thing that concerns me”, Dr. Storm said. “Your blood pressure is low while your pulse is still high. That might be why you fainted. You said you were prone to fainting spells?”

“When I was a teenager I was”, Armitage said. He had in face fainted a few times back then and it had always been a dreadful embarrassment. He remembered one time he had lost consciousness in front of his whole class. 

Dr. Storm took his time ausculating him and then shone a litte flashlight into his eyes. 

“Your breathing is normal. No signs of infection”, he said, putting away the stethoscope. “Your reflexes are a little off, though.” 

“Is that something to be worried about?” Armitage asked. He was sure Storm was a good doctor and he seemed to really care about him. Right now, he only wanted him off his back, though.

“I can’t tell yet. We should keep an eye on it.” He hesitated. “I’m thinking about talking to your doctor in London. Dameron you said?”

Armitage felt his fingertips go numb. “Yes”, he said lightly. “You can call him of course. He keeps telling me my symptoms are due to stress, though.”

“That is probably right.” Dr. Storm proceeded to pack his things. “I’ll come by in a few days, though. If anything changes, let me know.” He smiled. “I owe your uncle, you know? When I started working here it took a while to convince the villagers a young black doctor was as good as their old doctor. He was always on my side.”

“Of course, I will let you know.” Armitage relaxed. “But you should not waste your time on me. I’m sure there are people who need you more.”

The door to the shed was not locked when he finally got back, but Kylo was not in there anymore. Armitage was surprised by the weight of the disappointment crushing down on him. He had looked forward to being in Kylo’s company again, more than he had admitted to himself. Now there was nothing left between him and the night that was already approaching. How was he going to get through another of those times of darkness without losing his mind? He leaned his head against the wall of the shed and inhaled deeply. He could do it. He only had to tell himself there was nothing wrong. No one was going to harm him, no one was lurking in the darkness and the sounds he heard existed only in his mind.

Then why did it feel as if someone was out to get him, hunting him?

It’s because you can’t think straight. Something happened and now your mind is not working right, he told himself. It was too much. Hewitt. The presentation. Everything that followed after.

Hewitt.

He had let him back into his thoughts and that was a huge mistake. He brought his hands up to his face as if he could brush away the memory, but it was too late. It felt like tumbling into an abyss and he could not stop his fall.

“Hi”, Hewitt said and smiled at him. “I’m new here.”

Armitage was not used to people smiling at him and so he had fallen into the trap.

It felt good to have someone in the company being friendly to him. He knew everyone at Riverside was focused on their own career. So was he, but he liked having someone to sit with at lunch, someone who came by his office to ask him to get coffee together. 

And then things had gotten weird.

He did not like being touched by Hewitt.

At first it was just a brush of his hand, an innocent pat on the shoulder. He was always standing too close. Always leaning over. Crowding him, getting into his space. An arm around his shoulders, a hand on his knee.

“No. I don’t want this, Gordon.”

But the words had never left his mouth. 

He was avoiding him now. Always trying to get away from him, but at Riverside it was difficult to avoid a co-worker. He did not want to make a fool of himself. That had always been important to him. Don’t let others think you’re behaving strange, Armitage. You’re exaggerating. You should get yourself under control. It’s just a few touches, Jesus. 

And then he started to hate it. And he tried to tell Hewitt, but of course Hewitt didn’t understand.

And again, he told himself he was exaggerating. What did a few touches between friends mean? Only that Hewitt wasn’t as closed off, as withdrawn as Armitage. He was the weird one. Everyone thought he was a little weird. 

He could not get his head around the presentations he was assigned to do. Unable to concentrate, unable to do anything.

He was starting to feel nauseous in the mornings. That was not unusual. He had always felt nauseous before important presentations or negotiations. But now he felt like that every day. He threw up into the toilet every morning before leaving for work and he started to hate himself, because he was unable to cope with the situation. Then he had decided to resign. But it had been too late.

He keeled over into the snow, retching. 

He didn’t throw up but there was a sour taste in his mouth and his ears were thrumming. The cold of the snow brought him back to his senses, though. What was he doing? Kneeling in the snow on all fours like a madman. He was lucky if no one from the house had seen him. He brushed a hand over his mouth and got back on his shaking knees. Where had all those memories come from? He had been able to store them away until now and it was best if he kept them down there in the lower regions of his consciousness. He had to pull himself together and this was not helping. 

“I’m not going mad”, he whispered. “All of this is going to pass me by. I’ll get my life back.”

Maybe he needed to leave Whitecliff Hall. But the mere thought of it made him feel nauseous again. This was the first time he felt at home somewhere. He was terrified of the night and Marissa’s questions and her suspicions frightened him, but he was not ready to give this up. For the first time in his life he felt a sense of belonging and before he found this, he had not even known he missed it.

The most important thing was to tell himself that no one meant him any harm. It was all just in his head.

Or was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It makes me really happy that this story, strange as it is, has found some loyal readers. So thankful for your feedback! <3


	8. The Knife

Armitage entered the shed Kylo used as a workshop, but it was not the same without Kylo in here. The fire had gone out and it was cold and a little gloomy. He knew his dark thoughts would follow him in here if he was alone. He contemplated looking for Kylo on the grounds but when he stepped out again it had started to snow and even though the flakes quietly dancing through the air were beautiful, it was freezing cold and he decided to head back to the manor. 

He looked for Millicent and found her once again in the adjourning room of the library. She came to lie on his lap when he sat down in the armchair by the fire with “Pride and Prejudice”. He didn’t read. The fear of the night made him unable to concentrate on the words. What he needed was a strategy. Not only to survive the coming darkness, but a plan that would prevent him from being sent to an asylum again. He had been lucky the first time and he had to thank Dr. Dameron for helping him get out so quickly. He was not sure if he would have made it if he had stayed longer. It had felt as if some part of him wanted to stay, wanted to open up to those calm and aloof doctors who were so interested in his story. If he went there again, he would succumb and that would mean leaving behind every chance of getting his life back. 

Even if there was something wrong with him, he wanted to be able to decide his own fate. He loathed the idea of relying on others for the rest of his life. And to prevent that, he had to convince himself that everything that frightened him: the noises, his fear of the dark and the feeling of being followed were not real. He had read it was possible to cope with mental illness if patients constantly reflected on what they perceived. He would do that from now on. He would act reasonable, even if it seemed next to impossible. 

Millicent stretched in his lap and he tickled the cat’s belly which she loved. “You’re one of the reason’s I want to stay here, you know?” he asked. “I like being with you.”

She meowed.

“Yes, I like him too.” He swallowed. “Even though it is stupid. And it doesn’t matter really. I don’t do well with people. Always scare them away after a while. But maybe I can keep you.”

Millicent moved her head against his stomach and he smiled. “Maybe you can sleep in my room tonight.”

But Millicent had wandered off when night fell, and he did not want to walk the halls looking for her. Going up to his room felt as if he was walking to his own grave, even though he told himself that he had to fight that feeling, that this was his illness talking. It was embarrassing how much he wanted to ask Kylo if he could spend another night in his room, but he had not seen him since lunch.

During dinner Marissa had tried to talk to him and he knew that he had been distracted the whole time. He didn’t remember anything she had said. He could not change it. The night approaching made him uneasy. No, that was a lie. It made him weak with fear. Already it felt like the shadows were creeping closer and every sound he heard was magnified by his strained nerves. Still, he remembered his plan. If he acted normal maybe the symptoms would become less severe with time.

The flashlight was clutched in his hands. He had hidden it underneath his mattress in the morning and when he’d looked for it after retiring to his room it had still been there. His relief about that was almost embarrassing

He went to brush his teeth and took two of the blue pills, hoping they would help him sleep calmer. Then he locked the door and put the key into the drawer of his desk, hoping that would prevent him from sleepwalking in the halls. He went to bed clutching the flash-light, pulled the covers around him and forced himself to read a few pages of his book. It did not keep thoughts of Hewitt away and his body ached with the memory of everything that had followed after. He could not close his eyes, even though they were starting to hurt, because of the pictures that appeared before him. Also, he was too afraid of the crying sound. He still didn’t know what about that sound terrified him so much and he did not want to think about it. 

“Please, I need it to be morning soon” he whispered. “I can’t do this anymore.” His throat was dry and his feet were cold, but he did not want to get up again for water or warm socks. He could not sleep, but there was a heaviness on his shoulders that made him unwilling to move. His fingers felt a little numb. It wasn’t the first time he had experienced that sensation and it worried him. Why was his own body working against him?

He closed his tired eyes for a short moment and when he opened them again, he knew he had fallen asleep. It was dark and quiet. 

Dark. 

The light was out. 

For a moment panic threatened to overtake him but then he felt the flashlight in his hand and he fumbled with it to turn it on. When the cone of light appeared, he breathed out and felt close to tears with gratitude. Still shaking he felt for the switch of the bedside lamp. Nothing. The light did not turn on. His breathing quickened again, and he sat up. The flashlight made it seem as if the shadows moved and he almost cried out. Pressing a hand to his mouth he looked around the room with wide eyes, making sure no one was lurking in the dark corners. 

He wasn’t sure he was alone.

Clutching the flashlight tighter he held his breath to make sure there was no one else breathing close by but the thrumming of blood in his ears made it impossible to be sure. He was unable to move; his body numb. How was he to stay sane like this? How was he to survive? It seemed impossible to get through this night. If the crying started now, he would be lost. He would fall into that dark abyss that was lurking inside his mind and be lost forever. He was waiting in the darkness and each moment felt like a drop of blood, falling on snow, time stretching out into cruel eternity. 

Was the door to his room opening? Was that a knock coming from the window? Were the curtains moving? He felt his own heart beating in is chest but it felt as if his life was drained from him.

An eternity passed him by and it felt as if he was turning to cold stone from the inside. Every sound seemed to magnify in his ears, his own breathing was so uneven he could not discern if there was someone else close by. Under the bed maybe? Was it possible for a heart to stop beating simply from fear? He was shivering despite the blanket, cold sweat on his skin. This was hell and he knew the night was never going to end. He was doomed to remain here in the half darkness, desperation taking over, turning him into a something less than a person. Deep down inside of him there were memories lurking that were even worse than what had happened in London and it cost him all his strength to fight them. Finally, he was so exhausted, he could not keep his eyes open any longer.  
When he heard the first sound from downstairs he cringed violently, but then he realised it was just the servants starting their day. He wasn’t able to feel relief anymore but his hand holding the flashlight fell on the mattress and his eyes closed. He felt like a person who had walked through a cold and dark desert alone for days. Sleep came like a silent wave.

He awoke when the room was filled with the wonderful and reassuring smell of coffee. Nelly put a tablet down on the night stand next to his bed.  
“I’m sorry, did I miss breakfast?” he said. His voice was bleary, and he could hardly keep his eyes open.

“Don’t you dare feel sorry about that”, Nelly said. “Sleep is exactly what you need. You’re still as pale as a sheet, Mr. Hux. Now I want you to eat two of these croissants at the least, you hear me?”

“I will, thank you Nelly.”

As soon as she left the room, he fell asleep again.

The coffee was cold when he woke up this time, but he still had half a cup to wash down the croissant he made himself eat. He couldn’t keep disappointing Nelly after all.

It was almost noon he realized when he looked at his watch. Strange that he still felt tired, but he’d read that sometimes happened if people slept too long. Something about the cardiovascular system. He got up and stretched, before he went to the bathroom. The face staring back at him from the mirror was indeed frighteningly pale, with hollow cheeks and red-rimmed eyes. Still. It was over for now. The night had been dreadful, but it had passed him by and as always in the mornings he felt a little more optimistic. At least he had stayed in his bed and not wandered around this time. 

He got dressed and left the room only to find Nelly hurrying in his direction. “Thank the lord you’re awake Mr. Hux. Your uncle called. He wants to talk to you!  
Armitage should not have been as surprised as he was to hear this. Before coming to Whitecliff Hall he had sent a letter to the address in India his uncle had given him, but he knew from experience that it sometimes took weeks before his uncle got any messages when he travelled. Normally he liked talking to his uncle, but right now he felt apprehensive. Was his uncle calling for a particular reason?

Nelly lead him to a telephone in a small drawing room and Armitage picked up the receiver, while Nelly closed the door behind her. “Hello?” he asked, his voice sounding a little hollow.

“It is true! You really are at Whitecliff Hall my dear boy! How marvellous.” Even though the line was bad, and his uncle’s voice distorted, he could hear it was full of joy, Armitage relaxed. 

“Yes, I am.” He smiled, some of the tension leaving his shoulder.

“Please tell me everyone is treating you well.”

“Oh, they are”, Armitage hurried to say. “They are treating me wonderfully. I’m glad I finally followed your invitation.“

„So am I. I only wish I was there to welcome you. I decided to shorten my stay here, but unfortunately, I will not be able to fly back before the day after tomorrow at the earliest. I am at a remote jungle village and the caravan taking me back to Mumbai will not leave earlier, unfortunately.”

“You don’t have to end your vacation for my sake, uncle. I’ll be here for a while.”

“I hope so.“ He hesitated. “Nelly tells me you are feeling a little under the weather?”

Armitage swallowed hard. That was an understatement but there was no need to worry his uncle. “It’s just stress.” He kept repeating himself, but the more often he said it, the greater was the chance he could believe it himself. “I gave a really awful presentation back in London. Everything went wrong and that really got to me.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, Armitage. You are always too hard on yourself.”

It felt excruciatingly good to hear that. He hadn’t even known how much he needed reassurance. “Maybe I am.“ He stroked a hand through his hair. “I’m working on that.”

„There is also something important I need to talk with you about.” His uncle lowered his voice as if he was afraid someone was listening in on them. “I need your opinion about something.”

“Alright. If I can help.”

“I will be home as soon as I can my boy. We’ll talk then. Please take care.”

“Have a safe…”

Before Armitage finished his sentence, the door opened, and Marissa came in. Her cheeks were flushed at little and she seemed uncharacteristically dishevelled. “Can I speak to your uncle when you are finished, please?”

Armitage nodded. “Marissa wants to talk to you. Have a safe trip. I’m looking forward to meeting you, uncle.”

He handed the receiver to Marissa who waited until he left the room, before she talked. Armitage pulled the door shut behind him, but something made him stop to listen. He was almost sure Marissa would tell his uncle about her suspicions regarding his behaviour and he was afraid of that. 

“Uncle Rupert?” Marissa asked. Her voice sounded warmer than he had ever heard before and it felt strange to hear that she called Lord Whitecliff her uncle. The sensation that ran through Armitage felt close to envy.

“It’s so good to hear from you. I hope you are well. I always worry about you when you’re gone that long.”

There was silence while Lord Whitecliff answered, no doubt reassuring her.

“Yes”, Marissa said. “Of course. But don’t take Nelly’s talk too seriously. Armitage was stressed out when he got here, that’s true. But all he needed was a friend to talk to and a few nights of good sleep. He’s so much better now. Surely there’s no need to come home because of the worries of an elderly cook.”

Armitage breathed out. He did not want his uncle to think of him as mental and he was glad Marissa was on his side this time. Relief flooded him. She could not be that certain he was mentally ill if she told his uncle to stay away. 

Still it had felt good to talk to his uncle and he was looking forward to seeing him some time in the future. Marissa continued talking but now that he knew what he needed to, he found it impolite to listen in and went back to his room. Nelly was just getting the tray.

A sudden thought occurred to him when she turned around to greet him.

“Nelly how did you get into my room this morning?” he asked.

She seemed confused. “The door wasn’t locked. I’m sorry, did you not want to be disturbed?”

“No, that’s not it”, Armitage said. “I was sure I locked the door last night before going to sleep.”

Nelly frowned.

“I’m sure I just forgot”, he said. “I can be quite forgetful.”

“Oh, it’s the same with me, Mr Hux. I’m just glad my apron is attached with strings.” She left the room with her tray and he walked over to his desk. The key was exactly were he remembered putting it last night after locking the door. Had he really not locked the it? Had he unlocked it in the night without remembering? Or was there another key to his room in the house? And if yes, who had used it?

He quickly put the key back into the lock. These were exactly the kinds of thoughts that drove him closer to insanity. No one had used another key. He had just forgotten to lock the door. But he’d been so sure, and it had been so important for him.

He shivered. Better to flee these kinds of thoughts. Never let them take over.

He made his bed and tidied his room. There was not much to do but it felt good to be in control of his space at least.

He felt cold when he walked down into the hall. Through the windows he saw that it was snowing outside, and it felt tempting to go to his favourite room next to the library, maybe order some tea and wait for Millicent. But he really wanted to be with Kylo. He longed for that feeling of safety, of calamity he always had when he was with him. Thinking about the locked door had sent his mind spinning once again and he knew it wasn’t good if he was left with his own thoughts now.  
He walked down the steps leading to he hall and walked in the direction of the boot chamber when he stopped short in his tracks. A door had opened in the wall that he had never noticed before. It stood gaping wide and there was darkness behind it. The skin of his skull started to prickle, and a cold shiver ran down his spine. There was such dread inside of him he was unable to move. He knew that door wasn’t really there, but still he knew it well. It was the door from his childhood. The one that had always opened for him if he had disappointed his father, if he had not managed to be the boy he wanted, needed him to be. 

Weak.

Paper-thin.

Disgrace.

He took as step back and his eyes widened. A scream was building inside of him, but his numbness did not allow him to make a sound. And then a man appeared in the doorframe and before Armitage’s knees could go weak with terror, Kylo stepped into the light of the entrance hall. He was carrying a large box in both hands and seemed startled to see Armitage. And Armitage who had just started to relax a little was overwhelmed with fresh terror when he saw Kylo was bleeding from a wound across his face.

“What … what happened?” he asked, his voice almost failing him. His vision was starting to swim.

“Nothing”, Kylo said. “I was just downstairs to get the Christmas decorations for the tree in the hall.”

Armitage saw now that the wound was only a shadow across Kylo’s face. Why did his mind keep playing tricks on him like that, making him see the worst things possible? For a moment he had thought Kylo was fatally wounded. He really wanted to sit down and walked over to a group of padded chairs by the wall. His heart was still beating like a drum and he rested his head on his hands.

“Sorry I startled you”, Kylo said. “The lightbulb seems to have burned through. I’m going to change it today. Are you alright?”

“Yes. I … I just thought…” He almost told Kylo about the wound and scolded himself for that. He did not need people to think he was even crazier than they already believed. “I didn’t know the house had a cellar.”

“Oh, it has.” Kylo put the box down on a small table next to Armitage’s chair. “And I can tell you it’s a labyrinth. You should not go down there on your own.”  
“Believe me, I won’t”, Armitage said with a weak smile. He had not put a foot into a cellar since his childhood and he never would if he could help it. “So you want to put up a tree in the entrance hall?”

“Yes. It’s a bit early for the big tree, but my aunt just told me she’s coming for a visit.” Something in Kylo changed while he said that. He looked less withdrawn, his eyes had a warm light to them. 

Armitage’s heart melted when he saw that, and it felt almost painful. He did not need this now, but he also could not help how much he enjoyed seeing Kylo like that. How grateful he was this version of him existed, that he was still able to feel happy about something. 

“That’s good news”, he said. “I’m looking forward to seeing her again.”

“She promised to bring more cookies.” Kylo looked at him and Armitage was almost sure he would comment on how exhausted he looked, but he didn’t and Armitage was thankful. “I’m going to work in the shed in a while. Do you want to join me there?”

Armitage got up, maybe a little too enthusiastic. “Yes. I would love to.” He remembered only too well how serene he had felt yesterday when he had been carving wood. 

“Good. I’ll need about an hour here. You can wait for me in the shed if it’s not too cold or you. The fire should still be burning.”

Armitage nodded his head. “I’ll be there.”

When he put on his uncle’s coat and boots, he noticed they were still a little damp from yesterday. It would not matter when the fire in the shed was lit, but he really needed to get winter clothes of his own. He loved wearing these clothes and he felt much more himself in them than in the suits he had worn every day in London. Strange. He had always been sure suits fit his personality best. Right now, he was not sure if he ever wanted to wear one again.

It was snowing when he stepped outside but he had gotten used to the weather and he even enjoyed how the cold prickled on his skin and cleared his mind. He decided to take a little walk around, before going to the shed. Down to the lake maybe. He could stop by the horses on his way back. If he walked along the edge of the forest, he might see deer again. Later he would ask Kylo to take him to the crib when he went there. Suddenly the world did not seem so full of dread and darkness anymore. There was a tiny flicker of hope inside of him, fragile as a snowflake, that still believed this could end well for him. Somehow he would overcome his fear and this deceptive condition and start a new life. 

He buried his hands deep in his pockets and walked down to the edge of the white forest, the fresh snow crunching under his boots. He loved the sound and also how quickly it was swallowed by the dampening blanket of snow. The white branches of the trees made his heart ache with their beauty. Every single needle of the fur trees had turned into a work of art, created by the most patient and precise artist. Icicles were weighing down the branches and beautiful crystals grew on the last leaves and little twigs. It looked as if the firs were decorated as the most beautiful Christmas trees. He leaned against one of them and closed his eyes for a moment. What if he stayed here? What if he never went back to London?

You can’t stay here, a voice in his head said. You’re going into an asylum, remember? You’ve tricked them until now, but you won’t be able to last another two nights like this. At some point you’re going to snap and not only Marissa will realize what is wrong with you. Do you think you can fool them forever?

Stop.

He opened his eyes and quickly took a few steps into the forest, away from the mansion, almost as if he was fleeing. What if he just kept walking? It felt as if he had entered a fairytale world, a wonderland. If he just kept walking, he could leave reality behind, leave all those harrowing memories behind, finally be free again. The idea was tantalising, and he almost forgot how cold it was.

Then a shadow detached itself from the trees, and Armitage froze. It could not be. He wasn’t really here. It was just in his mind. He wanted to scream, to turn away, but he could not move.

“Hello Armitage”, Hewitt said with a grin that was just a little to wide for his face. “So, we meet again.” The knife in his hand seemed out of place as if something from a nightmare had suddenly entered a beautiful dream.

Armitage’s vision swam and everything turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm grateful this story has found so many readers willing to comment and share their thoughts. I hadn't expected this story to speak to so many of you. Glad you are with me!


	9. Falling

When he came to, Armitage was unable to move. He had an impulse to flee, but he did not remember why, and he was not sure he wanted to remember. Right now, everything felt peaceful and the world around him was completely quiet. He opened his eyes and looked up at the crowns of the fir trees covered in white and the snow-flakes whirling towards him. Why was he not freezing if he was lying in the snow?

The thought of staying here was inviting, but some functioning part of his brain told him this was a trap. He remembered reading somewhere that freezing to death felt good, felt like peacefully falling asleep. He did not know how long he had been out here, but it was not a good sign if he didn’t feel the cold anymore.  
Panic returned like a flash of lightning and he stumbled to get to his feet. 

Hewitt. 

He had seen him in the woods before he had blacked out. His heart-rate accelerated. Breathing heavily, Armitage looked around himself, sure he was going to be grabbed from behind, strangled. He had no idea where he was or how to get back to the manor. Who knew how far he had walked during this blackout? His heart was beating frantically in his chest now and he noticed he couldn’t feel his feet. Moving around was also difficult. It felt as if he was walking through syrup and it wasn’t only the snow making it difficult to walk. His limbs didn’t seem to be functioning. 

“Where am I?” he whispered. He wanted to cry for help but who knew who would hear him? He could not even see well because of the snow and he was sure there was movement between the trees.

But Hewitt wasn’t here of course. He needed to make sure he understood that. He had only been an illusion. Still he felt cold shivers of panic run down his spine and he was unable to even speak, let alone cry for help. What if he died out here? What if this was really the end?

No. He realized now he did not want that. His life was in ruins right now and the desperate fear inside of him was taking up more and more space, but still there was also a ray of hope, there was still warmth waiting for him and he wanted to go back to it if he could.

He stumbled in one direction for a few meters before realizing how weak he was. He could hardly lift his feet, as if something was dragging him back down into the snow.

It’s the cold, he told himself. I’m freezing.

“Armitage!”  


He turned towards the noise, trying to see through the whirling snow. Kylo stepped out between the trees and was by his side immediately. “What is wrong? Did you lose your way?”

“Yes”, Armitage said. “Yes, I did. Lost sight of the manor.” It was difficult to speak because his teeth were chattering so hard.

“You should not have walked into the forest. You get lost so quick in this weather.” Kylo grabbed his arm, pulled him in the direction he had come from. “Come on, we need to get you warm. Your lips are blue.”

“How did you find me?” Armitage did his best to keep up with Kylo, but his legs were almost useless. It was also hard to talk. Or think.

“I followed your footsteps in the snow. In a few minutes they would have been covered. We were lucky.”

“Oh.” He hadn’t even thought of following his own steps back to the manor. Why was he so out of it?

“Armitage?”

“Hm?”

“Can’t you walk?”

“I am walking.”

“No, it’s not a good idea to sit down now, come on.” Kylo sounded alarmed.

“Just a small break. Please.”

“We need to get you warm.”

“Need to rest.”

Kylo scooped him up in his arms and he felt too weak to protest. He vaguely remembered he had dreamed about something like this. Maybe this was also a dream. Maybe he was still lying in the snow, freezing to death. If that was the case, he was glad about this dream. He smiled. Faintly he could still hear Kylo talking to him, but he did not understand what he was saying.

He thought he opened his eyes but there was a little snowed-in cottage in front of them that looked like something out of a fairytale. He must still be dreaming.  
Then his cheeks were burning, and it hurt, so he opened his eyes again. Kylo was sitting him down on a bed and knelt next to a fireplace, throwing a few logs in. “So glad I let the fire burn in here”, he said. “Armitage? Try to stay awake, please. Stay with me.”

“I am awake.” His voice sounded sluggish. Funny. 

“Can you get undressed?”

“Course.” He lifted his hands to his coat, but they had no idea what they were supposed to do there.

Kylo hurried over to him. He looked agitated, almost afraid and Armitage wondered why.

“May I undress you? We need to get you warm. Now.“

“You may”, Armitage said, wishing he could just stretch out on the bed in his clothes and sleep. He was so tired. 

“Your hands feel like ice”, Kylo said, warming them between his own big hands. It felt good. Then there was a lot of commotion and opening of buttons and shoelaces. In a corner of his mind Armitage knew it should feel weird to get undressed by Kylo, but it didn’t. It was almost like being drunk. Or like being a little kid again. He felt as if he was packed in warm gauze. At the same time, he could feel he was shivering violently. It was weird and he was not able to stop it.  
Finally, Kylo helped him into the bed and pulled the covers over him. He looked down on him, a deep frown on is face, his eyes dark with an emotion that Armitage could not place. “You seem in a bad shape”, he said, shedding his own coat and kicking off his boots. “I’m sorry, Armitage, but I need to get you warm and this is the quickest way.”

Armitage did not understand. He was already drowsing off, but Kylo was taking off his own shirt now and even if it was just a dream, he wanted to see him.  
Yes. He was just as beautiful as Armitage remembered. Broad and muscled, strong like a lion. But there was something guarded about the way he stood, the way his shoulders slumped. He looked almost shy. “Is that okay?” He asked, his eyes searching Armitage’s face.

Armitage nodded, not even sure what Kylo was asking. Kylo hesitated for a moment, then he pulled down his pants and immediately got under the covers with Armitage. Armitage asked himself if he had missed a few steps along the way, but then he was wrapped in the warmest embrace he had ever felt, and he closed his eyes in relief.

“Try not to fall asleep”, was the last thing he heard.

He drifted in and out of reality for a while. When he was awake everything was alright. He was warm and safe and there was the wonderful scent he’d come to love right next to him. Kylo’s long hair tickled his cheeks and the cold inside of him was being chased away by Kylo’s embrace. When he was asleep, he was still out in the forest, desperate and alone, trying to get away from the shadow following him. Once he awoke screaming, shaking with fear.

“I’m here Armitage, you are alright”, Kylo said.

“He’s out there.” His voice was a desperate whisper.

“Who is?” Kylo’s voice was calm, reassuring.

“Hewitt. He’s…” He stopped short, because something told him it was dangerous to continue. He was giving too much away. The next moment he was out of it again. 

When he awoke again it felt as if he had been asleep for a long time. He was tired and there was a heaviness in his limbs that pulled him downwards. Kylo was no longer holding him but he was still so warm he was sweating. It was an effort to open his eyes, but he wanted to know where he was and if he hadn’t only dreamed the last few hours. But no. There was the fireplace he had seen, the flames crackling. Kylo was sitting in a chair next to his bed, a piece of wood and a carving knife in his hands. He leaned closer when Armitage opened his eyes. 

“You have a knack for the dramatic, haven’t you?”

“I suppose you could say that.” Armitage turned to lie on his back. Speaking still felt strange and his words sounded slurred. “I’m sorry, Kylo. That was really embarrassing.”

“Why?”

“I behaved like a complete moron.” He felt his cheeks burn. 

It’s easy to get lost in the wood in winter. I should have warned you.”

“Thanks for saving me.” Armitage swallowed, looking up at Kylo. “And for getting me warm.”

Was it only the firelight on his cheeks or was Kylo blushing lightly? It was probably just the light. Kylo did not seem like the type to ever blush. 

“I hope I didn’t overstep your boundaries, but you were so cold it really creeped me out.” Kylo’s eyes were glued to his knife. “And body heat is the best way to keep someone from freezing.”

“I remember reading that somewhere.” Armitage sat up a little, leaning on his elbows. “What’s this?” he asked, indicating the bricks left and right of him.

“I put them close to the fire before laying them in your bed. More warmth.”

“Right now, I might be a little too warm.”

“Just stay in there for a while, please. We don’t know yet how badly you’ve been affected by the cold.”

“How long did I sleep?”

“It’s almost twenty-four hours since I found you.”

“Oh.” Armitage let himself sink back onto the pillows. 

“You needed it. How do you feel now?”

“Alright. A little confused.” He breathed in deep. “I hope I didn’t talk too much nonsense.”

“No.” Kylo frowned. “It sounded as if you thought someone was following you.”

“There was no-one. It must have been a nightmare.” His eyes wandered towards the door of the cabin that only had this one room apparently. He hoped it was locked and that Kylo would not leave him alone here. As far as he remembered they were close to the woods. Then again, he did not feel safe in the manor either. His fear crept back into his mind like an army of small spiders, seemingly harmless at first but poisonous if they bit you. 

He swallowed hard, letting his eyes wander around the cabin. It was a wonderful place. An arm-chair by the fire, a stove in one corner and a table by the window. All of the furniture was made from wood. Snowflakes were whirling outside, it smelled of smoke and resin and it could have been the best place on earth if his thoughts didn’t keep wandering back to what he had seen in the wood. How could it have felt so real?

“Dr. Storm would already be here if It wasn’t for the snow-storm.” Kylo said. “We informed him immediately, but he can’t get through the wood right now.”  
“It’s alright, I’m feeling much better. So, the others at the manor know where I am?”

“Yes. Phasma came by shortly after I found you. She also brought a pot of soup down from the manor. So, if you’re hungry …”

“I should probably eat something”, Armitage said, sitting up. 

“I’ll heat it for you.”

Kylo put his carving and the knife away and went over to the stove in the corner. Armitage was alone with his thoughts for a while. He knew this had been a close call. He was sure he would not have been able to get back to the manor in time if Kylo had not shown up. His plan of pulling himself together was not working well and even right now his eyes kept wandering from the window to the door, his paranoia taking hold of him. It would not stop, and he knew It would destroy everything. This very first flicker of a new life he had started to build here was already slipping away and if he could not control the situation it would be taken from him, just like his life in London.

Not again, he whispered under his breath. He could not let Kylo find out what was wrong with him and if he already suspected something, he had to convince him he was wrong. And also, he could not let this affection he was starting to feel for the other man take over. The last time he had thought he made a friend had ended in disaster. Maybe Kylo cared for him. It certainly seemed as if he was not indifferent. And Armitage liked so many things about him by now. His voice, his dark eyes, the way he talked and the calm confidence he emanated. He even liked his occasional insolence and he was enchanted by his beautiful smile. But as he had told himself before, this was dangerous ground. There were boundaries he could not overstep. 

And it did not help that he kept remembering Kylo’s warm body next to his own. 

“Can you sit up?” Kylo asked, walking over with a bowl of soup and Armitage realized he had sunken back onto the mattress. 

“Of course.”

Kylo handed him the bowl and sat down in his chair next to the bed.

It was more difficult than Armitage would have imagined eating the soup alone. His hand was not steady and even sitting up was wearying. Still he did not want to appear even weaker. Up to now all Kylo had seen of him was a frail man who was unable to take care of himself most of the time and he did not like that at all.  
Fortunately, Kylo started working on his wooden figurine again so at least he did not have his eyes on him while eating. He was polishing it now.

It was only after he had finished the bowl of soup that he realized the pyjamas he was wearing were his own.

“Phasma brought them over from the house”, Kylo explained when he saw Armitage’s surprised expression. “Your clothes were soaked.”

So Kylo had undressed him and dressed him again. In his eyes Armitage must really seem like a wuss. Some of what he was thinking must have shown on his face because Kylo stopped in his work and looked at him.

“Don’t worry about it, Armitage. I got lost in the wood as well when I first came here. Luckily it was summer, but I had to spend the night in there before your uncle found me in the morning.”

“Are you serious?” Armitage asked. Kylo seemed so at home here, so well acquainted with the surroundings it was hard to imagine him losing his way.  
“Of course. I made so many mistakes in the beginning. I’m glad your uncle still kept me.”

“Thanks for telling me that”, Armitage said. “I like being here, but I sometimes feel like I can never belong.” He didn’t say he thought this place was too good for him but that was how it felt.

“Just give it some time.” The corners of Kylo’s mouth lifted a little. “I don’t think you’re a hopeless city-boy any longer.”

“Thanks.” Armitage was more relieved than he would have thought to hear that. “I like this cottage by the way.”

“It’s my home from spring to autumn”, Kylo said. “I enjoy having a place all to myself.”

“I’m beginning to understand that.”

“So, you don’t miss London?” There was something guarded in Kylo’s voice when he asked the question and he did not meet Armitage’s eyes.

Armitage looked up at Kylo, surprised. “Not at all.”

The slightest of smiles appeared on Kylo’s lips. “I thought you would hate it here.”

“Oh no”, Armitage said. “Not in the least.”

Kylo leaned closer and offered him the little figurine he had been carving. It was a fox, sitting upright and attentive, his bushy tail slung around his feet.

“For me?” Armitage asked.

“Yes, I…”

There was a knock on the door and both flinched. 

“Yes?” Kylo called.

Phasma stepped into the cottage, a few snowflakes blowing in with her. She removed her fur clad hood and rubbed her hands. “You’re awake, I see. Nelly will be glad.”

Kylo got up, looking at Armitage. “I’ll need to help Phasma clear some of the paths from snow.”

“Of course,”, Armitage said. He suddenly wondered if Kylo had been by his side the whole time. Where had he slept tonight?

“Do you want to stay here? Or should we take you back to the manor?” Phasma asked. 

Armitage wanted to stay, because the thought of being alone here with Kylo was almost too good. But his eyes wandered to the window and on one of the branches of the nearby trees he saw two crows. One of them seemed to be staring at him. If Kylo went out with Phasma he would be alone here. Hewitt’s face appeared before his inner eye.

“I want to go back to the manor.” He was such a coward.

He thought he saw a hint of disappointment on Kylo’s face but he probably imagined it.

“I’ll get the sleigh.” Phasma said. “You should get dressed.”

“I can walk.”

“No way”, Kylo said. “It’s still snowing, and you almost froze out there. I’ll get you some clothes.”

When he walked to the sleigh a while later, dressed in a fresh set of clothes and a coat he had borrowed from the gamekeeper, he realized Kylo had been right. Even the short way to the sleigh was almost too much for him, though he tried not to let it show. 

Huddled in the warm blankets next to Kylo, his hand clasped around the wooden fox in his pocket. He should have felt good when they approached the manor. Baldur’s and Thor’s trot was steady and reassuring and the lights from the windows should have been welcoming. But it was getting dark and the shadows started to whisper to him again, started closing in. 

His heart clenched in desperation. No amount of warmth was enough to keep him safe from the abyss of darkness in his mind. He could not escape, because this paralyzing fear was inside of him. His constant companion. It was like a disease, eating him up from the inside.  
There was no way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to have the next chapter finished by next Friday, it might take a little longer though. Please tell me what you think of this chapter! Your comments are so encouraging. Thank you very much.


	10. The Fox

As hard as he was trying to fight it, Armitage’s fear was taking hold of him more and more. He could almost physically feel it, as if he was being dragged into a pond of mud. 

Still there were moments when everything lit up and he felt like a human being for a while, like someone who was not rattled by his own fears. That was the case when he was with Kylo and as soon as he was alone in his room again, lying in his own bed, a cup of tea on the bed-stand, he regretted not having stayed at the cottage. Then again, he knew that being there alone would have been dangerous. Not that he really thought he had seen Hewitt, but what if he sleep-walked again? 

The short time at Kylo’s place had changed something for him. He had always felt so alone and as if it only mattered to himself what happened to him. Now he could not deny anymore that Kylo cared about him as well. Maybe, just maybe he did not have to fight this fight alone any longer?

It was difficult for him to trust people, to open up and the few times he had tried he had been disappointed. When he thought about it like that it sounded like whining and he knew that it had been his own fault. The way he behaved told people that he was a loner, someone you didn’t want as a friend. And he had always liked his solitude. Only lately it was becoming a bit much. So many things had happened and there had never been anyone to talk to apart from his doctor. And he was always afraid to take up too much of Dameron’s time, to take advantage of his professional kindness.

Marissa was right about one thing: He needed a friend. 

Admitting that to himself felt as if some kind of barrier inside of him gave way. Maybe he did not have to go through this alone. Still the thought of opening up, of telling someone what was happening to him made his throat clench. Could he really dare to talk to Kylo about this? Would that not mean pushing him away or making him think less of him? He would have to think about it, consider what to tell Kylo and what to stay quiet about. Or maybe he should talk to someone else first?

As always, the knock on his door made him jump but his voice was steady when he said “come in.”

He expected Nelly or Marissa and was a little startled, when Mrs. Mary Woolstone entered the room, carefully closing the door behind her. She had a little bag and a box with her, which she offered to Armitage. “Nice to see you again Mr. Hux”, she said with a smile. “Though, I hoped to find you in better condition.”

Armitage found he was strangely pleased to see Kylo’s aunt again. He sat up a little, leaning on his elbows. “Hello Mrs. Wollstone. Did you bring me cookies?”  
“Of course, my boy. And you look as if you might need a few.” She opened the box and put it on the night-stand next to the cup of tea. “Did you want to rest? I can leave if you feel sleepy.”

Armitage shook his head. “I’m glad about some company.” It was true. Anything that took his mind off the fact the night was coming closer was welcome right now. “Please have a seat.”

She took the chair from the desk and moved it over to the bed. Then she took her time extracting a ball of wool, needles and an unfinished scarf from her bag and began to knit. “Kylo talks about you a lot”, she said.

“He does?” Armitage could not really hide his surprise.

“Yes.” She smiled. “He said you were very handsome.”

“I’m sure he does not really think that.” Armitage felt his cheeks become warm and was glad her eyes were fixed on her knitting. 

“I’m sure about that too”, Mrs. Woolstone said with a twinkle in her eye. “What he really means to say is he thinks you’re gorgeous.”

“Mrs. Woolstone!” Armitage sat up.

“Call me Mary, please. And I’ve known my nephew for a long time. He hardly ever talks. And if he does that must mean something. 

Armitage wasn’t sure why she was telling him this but for the first time in weeks he felt as if he could take a deep breath, as if some part of him that had been constantly strained was starting to relax. He even felt hungry and reached for a cookie. “Did he say anything else?” He asked before taking a bite. 

“Just that he is worried about you.”

“Because I seem fragile and weak.”

“No. Not at all. He said you are a very strong person and very determined. But he thinks something has happened to you that is still getting to you.” Mary looked up from her work and met his gaze. “I think he might be right.”

Armitage was quiet. He didn’t know what to say and he didn’t know what to think. For a moment he just wanted to tell Mary everything. He had never before felt so strongly he could trust someone after such a short amount of time. Then he remembered the things he would have to tell her, and he knew that he could not. He had no right to pull her into this. This was his burden and that meant he had to carry it alone. It would be unfair to anyone to put such a weight on their shoulders. 

“I can deal with it”, he said, reaching for his cup of tea. His hand was shaking slightly, and he hoped she didn’t see it. “I had a few difficult months back in London and I’m glad to be able to get away from all of it for a while.”

“Sometimes a little distance is what you need to see things clearer. But sometimes that alone won’t help.” She paused for a moment. “Just remember that you are not alone.”

Armitage nodded. She was right. He was not alone anymore. Then why did it still feel as if he was living inside of a fortress that no one could breach? Why did he feel so detached from everyone, so distanced? And it wasn’t only since the events in London that he felt this way. It went much further back, only he had never really thought about it.

“You should sleep now”, Mary said, getting up. 

He looked up at her and part of him wanted to tell her to stay. He could not stand the thought of being alone, of facing another night on his own. She looked at him as if she was waiting for something and he wondered if she would stay if he asked her to. He nodded instead. “I’m very tired. Could you hand me the flash-light on my desk? I feel better with it.”

She did and walked over to the door. “Good night, Mr. Hux.”

“Armitage, please”, he said, pulling his covers up. “Good night, Mary.”

She turned off the light and as soon as she had pulled the door closed behind her, he switched the night-lamp on. He turned towards the light and looked at the little wooden fox on the night-stand. It looked so proud, so self-assured, he almost envied it. He reached out a hand and took it. Today he would not lock the door. Whatever was torturing him could not be kept away by locked doors. Why was he not able to reach out, to get help? There were people around him who worried about him and he even felt like he could trust them, but he was to afraid of what would become of him, of how the way they saw him would change if they knew everything.

Still there was hope inside him tonight. He felt stronger, more in control. Maybe there would not be any sounds tonight, maybe it would stop. When he had slept next to Kylo, he had not heard anything. There had been bad dreams but that was completely different from the terrible ordeal he had gone through in this room. 

It was difficult to think about Kylo. On the one hand he wanted nothing more than to be close to him, to hear his voice, to have the chance of seeing that dazzling smile. Whenever he was awake his mind constantly drifted towards the enigmatic man. He longed to be around him, to talk to him and to get to know him better.

On the other hand, he was becoming more and more afraid, because he wasn’t sure how healthy these feelings were. Was he starting to fall for Kylo? Could he live with the fact that Kylo probably only cared for him as a friend, that he felt sympathy for him and maybe liked him, but nothing more?

He could not lose himself in this. It was too dangerous and there was too much at stake. It would be best if he just stopped thinking about Kylo and the way it had felt to lie next to him, the way he had kept him warm.

There was a scratch at the door, but it was so short and quiet that he immediately thought he had imagined it. Still it made his blood freeze. He fixed his gaze on the door, but the sound did not come again. Chills ran down his spine. In a way this was worse because he could not help but wait for the scratch to come again. What if he got up and went to the door, to confront his fear? But he knew nothing would be there and he was frightened that he would hear the scratching again anyway. What if it didn’t go away if he opened the door? What if he saw nothing was there and he could still hear it? He dug his fingers into the bedsheet, telling his nerves to calm down. He could hear his teeth grinding against each other and it was a dreadful sound in the night. 

He remembered that he had scratched Kylo’s door. That his fingernails had been bloody from it. The thought almost made him moan in desperation. There was no use running away from it. He was losing his mind and maybe he would become dangerous to himself and to others. He had blacked out and walked into the woods after all. It could happen again. What if Kylo could not find him in time? What if he endangered Kylo? His hands tore at the sheet.

He almost hoped the scratching sound would come again, because waiting for it was even more nerve-wrecking than listening to it. Why was he so pathetic? Why was he not able to free himself from these illusions?

The lamp on his bed-stand flickered and went out and he almost screamed. How was this possible? It was not an illusion, right? He could not be imagining that the room was completely dark. He tried to turn the flash-light on but his fingers were so unsteady he dropped it and it rolled off the bed. He wanted to reach for it but the thought that a hand with sharp nails might come out from under the bed and grab his wrist stunned him. 

Kylo is somewhere in this house, he told himself. And even if he’s out in the woods, Nelly is here and Mary. There is warmth and light somewhere, even if you can’t feel it. But it felt as if all that was lightyears away from him and he was lost in a sea of terror, endless depth beneath him. He was shivering as if he was back out in the cold and it felt that way, despite his cover. 

The scratching sound from the door came again and he froze in terror. How had he ever wished to hear this sound again? It was longer this time and he could hear purpose in it. Someone was trying to get into the room, someone evil, demanding entry in their own insane way. 

And then there was the thought he had tried to keep hidden in the depth of his own mind. If he went to the door and opened it, he would be confronted with himself. The version of Armitage Hux that had given over to madness completely. Shaking he pulled the cover over his head and tried to get away from the idea, like a little kid trying to hide away from the monsters under his bed, waiting for someone to come and rescue him.

There had never been anyone to safe him when he was small, and no one would come for him now. He was alone.

Then the crying started, and fear grabbed his heart with ice-cold hands. It was coming from under the bed and now he also knew what about that sound had frightened him out of his senses: He heard himself crying. 

For a moment he was frozen stiff but then he screamed in terror and fled the bed. He cowered in one of the corners of the room, bringing his arms up to his face as if he could protect himself from the sound. The last of his sanity was slipping away from him and he was almost glad about it.

The door of his room opened, and he knew his father was going to enter, coming for him like he had done so many times before. He would take Armitage with him and there was no coming back from the place he would take him. “No”, he whispered, pressing against the wall. “Leave me alone.”

“Armitage, it’s me”, Kylo said, kneeling down in front of him. He didn’t touch him, and his voice was very calm. “You are going to be alright.”

“I’m not”, Armitage said, and his voice sounded strained, raw. He sounded like a madman. “I’m not alright.” It was impossible that Kylo was here. This was his nightmare, the dark world he had constructed in his mind. Kylo was light. He had no place here.

“It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

Armitage realised that the crying had stopped, and he let his arms sink. His fear was still roaring inside of him, but he also felt exhausted as if he had gone through a terrible fight. Kylo got up and Armitage wanted to tell him not to leave him alone, but before he could even get the words out, Kylo took the blanket from his bed and offered it to Armitage. Armitage nodded and Kylo carefully covered him with it. Armitage hadn’t even noticed how cold he was until now. Kylo always seemed to provide warmth for him. 

“Thank you.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Kylo asked, sitting down next to him, still not touching him. He still sounded calm as if it was nothing out of the ordinary for a grown man to scream in the night and huddle in a corner of his room. 

“I’m losing my mind”, Armitage said, breathing in deeply. His shoulders sagged. “I think I’m going crazy.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I hear sounds. I have blackouts. I’m terrified by ordinary things.” Armitage raked a hand through his hair, dishevelling it without doubt. He swallowed hard. “I see things that aren’t there.”

“That sounds frightening”, Kylo said softly. “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, Armitage. I’m with you now. You’re not alone.”

Something inside of Armitage gave way when he heard Kylo’s words and it felt as if the parts of him that had been numb with desperation were starting to prickle, coming back to live. “Thank you.” It was almost inaudible.

“Are you ready to stand up? The floor is so cold. Or do you need to stay here for a moment?”

“Can we go to your room?”

“Of course.” Kylo got up and stretched out a hand to help Armitage.

Armitage took it and got up with wobbly knees. He would not have to spend another night alone in his room now. He did not have to hide his fear anymore. That was worth everything that was about to follow after this. There was something in his other hand and when he opened it he realized he was still holding the wooden fox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult and I would really love to hear your thoughts. Real life is crazy right now and the next chapter might need two weeks. There's still quite a lot to come by the way. This isn't over yet for Armitage. Thank you for staying with me this far! <3


	11. Memories

Kylo took his arm to support him. “Okay?” he asked.

Armitage nodded. “Could you turn on the lamp on my bed-stand?” he asked. He needed to know if it was working again. 

“Of course.” Kylo went to press the switch but the room remained in semi-darkness. Armitage was relieved. 

“The fuse must have blown”, Kylo said. “That sometimes happens in this house. The electricity isn’t too reliable.” He went back to Armitage. “That must have been scary for you.”

“Yes.”

Armitage’s heart was still beating as if he had been pursued but he wasn’t shivering so badly anymore when they arrived in front of Kylo’s room. The night lost the terror it held over him when Kylo was by his side, gently guiding him. 

He sank down in the arm-chair by the fire place and looked up at Kylo. “You must think I’m exactly the delicate flower I claimed not to be.”

Kylo shook his head. “I think you’re brave. What you’re going through sounds dreadful.” He went over to the fireplace, took a kettle from the stove and poured hot water into a cup that must have held a tea-bag, because a soothing herbal aroma was soon filling the room. He handed the cup to Armitage who set the wooden fox down on the armrest and took the cup with both hands. It felt good to be able to hold onto something warm. Kylo pulled a chair over so that he could sit opposite Armitage. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. “About what brought you here and still tortures you?”

Armitage wanted to shake his head but to his own surprise he realized that he did want to talk about it. Not all of it, but he wanted Kylo to know what had happened to him. “Yes”, he said and frowned. Now that he did want to talk about it, he realized that it was difficult for him to remember. He had tried to push all of it to the back of his mind for so long that by now his memory had become unclear.

“It started with a new employee in my company”, he said. “Gordon Hewitt. It seemed as if he wanted to be my friend. That had not happened in a long time and at first, I was delighted. Then he started to behave in strange ways or at least I thought it was strange.”

He bit his lip, because even looking back he was not sure if he had been imagining things. Had Hewitt really crowded his personal space, or had he been too sensitive, not being used to having people around? 

“He touched me, and I didn’t like it”, he said at last. “I may have been overreacting.”

“You are the one who decides who touches you, Armitage”, Kylo said. 

“I didn’t tell him to stop at first.”

“But eventually you did?”

Yes. I think.” Armitage said. It was weird but he could not really remember. Had he told Hewitt, or had he just practiced the conversation over and over in his head? Then he remembered something. “I did tell him. He became annoyed with me and said I was imagining things.”

“Then it’s good you told him to back off. That kind of behaviour is toxic.”

Armitage nodded slowly. “He avoided me for a short while, but then it became worse. He touched me whenever we were alone, and it became more and more inappropriate.” He bit his lip hard. “I was ashamed, frightened. I felt like it was my own fault.”

“It was not your fault.”

“No, but I didn’t really do anything against it. I was sure no-one would believe me.”

“I understand.” Kylo sounded very serious.

“I didn’t have any friends in the company, no-one I trusted. And Hewitt was popular. Everyone seemed to like him. He was invited to dinners and golfing-weekends.”

“It’s a fact that the greatest assholes are often most well-liked.”

“Yes. And then one day I was called in to our boss. Mr. Benson never talks to us unless it’s extremely important so I knew something must have happened. There was a flicker of hope in me that someone had told him what was going on with Hewitt.”

“But that was not the case.”

“No.” Armitage took a sip from his tea. He would have liked to stop here but he knew it was good he was finally telling someone about everything. Things started to become clearer in his mind already. And Kylo did not seem to mind that he was not sure about all of it. 

“He was so grave, and I knew immediately that I had done something wrong.” His hands became sweaty just by thinking about it and he could hear the distant ringing sound in his ear. “He told me …” he took a deep breath and started again. “He told me that Hewitt had complained about me. He felt I was approaching him in inappropriate ways.”

Kylo did not seem surprised. “He had turned things around.”

“Yes. Completely. I was so stunned that at first, I did not even know what to say. Then I tried to tell Mr. Benson what had really been going on. Of course, he did not believe me. I should have known.”

“That must have been horrible.”

“It was.” He was glad Kylo seemed to understand, because there was no way he could have described the feeling of dread and self-loathing that overcame him at that moment. He had felt guilty and also dirty in a way he could not explain. As if Hewitt’s accusation had besmirched him somehow. “Benson told me everyone knew I was gay, and that Hewitt had a fiancée. He seemed to find my attempt to defend myself ridiculous.” 

“He should have been aware being gay or straight has nothing to do with it”, Kylo said. “Harassment is about power most of the time. Not about sex.”

“For him it made complete sense that I was the offender and I was appalled by that, because he had known me for so long.”

“He did not believe you at all?” Kylo said, worried.

“No.”

“That put you in a dangerous situation, right?”

“Why would you think so?” 

“Because that gave Hewitt free rein. No one would believe you anymore after that.”

“Yes.” Armitage closed his eyes. It was a relief to talk about this to Kylo. Still it was getting more difficult to breathe and his head was starting to ache. “I did not realize at the time, but you are right. He…” Armitage stopped. “A week later…” 

He stumbled. Just a moment ago he had known exactly what he had wanted to say, but now his throat felt tight and his pulse was racing. He took a deep breath. “A week later…”

No. He could not go on. His voice failed him, and he was starting to feel nauseous. He had experienced that only once before and it frightened him. His hand grabbed for the wooden fox and squeezed it tight. He knew that something had happened a week later, but thinking about it felt painful, as if he was touching an open wound. And suddenly he wasn’t even sure anymore he remembered everything correctly. “I might be confusing things”, he whispered, and his voice sounded faint. “I’m not sure what happened.”

“Then you should stop for now”, Kylo said and his voice was so warm and full of worry, Armitage felt a little better immediately. He nodded and took another sip from his tea. “I do remember a presentation I had to give a while afterwards”, he said, frowning. “I completely blew it. It was important and Mr. Benson was there. Hewitt too and our most important costumer at that time.”

“Do you remember what exactly happened?”

“I was more nervous than I’d ever been before”, Armitage said. “I’m used to giving presentations and I had worked hard on this one.” He remembered though that in the week before he’d had difficulty concentrating, that things had seemed kind of blurry and he had suffered from a constant headache. “When I was about to start, I realized everything was mixed up. The transparencies weren’t in the right order and some were missing or completely wrong. I couldn’t explain it to myself but no one else had access to my laptop as far as I knew.”

“Do you think someone tampered with your presentation?”

Armitage shook his head. “I was in a really bad place. I must have done it myself somehow. And I was so on edge I wasn’t able to paper over the cracks.” He took another deep breath. “I broke down. In front of everyone. Benson, Hewitt, most of my colleagues and the costumer.” His hand cramped around the wooden fox and Kylo took the teacup from him. Otherwise he might have dropped it. “I was shaking, crying. And I couldn’t stop. I remember Hewitt was laughing at me, though that might have been my imagination. Benson was telling me to pull myself together and I…” he stopped.

“Armitage, I’m so sorry.” Kylo sounded breathless.

“I was so ashamed. So frightened.”

“No one helped you?”

“A lady who was among our costumers called an ambulance, I think. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was so scared when they took me away. I felt as if I was having a heart-attack but apparently nothing was really wrong physically.”

“It sounds like you were having a panic-attack. Just like in your room right now, but worse. Those are dreadful.”

Armitage nodded. “Later they told me that’s what I had, and I felt so pathetic.”

“Believe me, there’s not need to be ashamed. They can knock out anyone.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“I wish I’d known”, Kylo said. “I treated you so bad in the beginning.”

“No.” Armitage looked up. “You were good to me, Kylo. I feel safe when I’m with you.”

There was a look of such relief in Kylo’s eyes, Armitage almost smiled.

“I’m glad to hear that”, Kylo said. He offered Armitage the cup of tea and he took it back. “Do you want to lie down?”

“Can I stay here?”

“Of course. I would not leave you alone after all this.”

He would not have to go back to his room. A heavy weight was lifted from Armitage’s shoulders and for a moment he felt almost elated. He finished the tea and Kylo took the cup. 

“Please lie down”, Kylo said. “You need the rest.”

“I can’t take your bed again. It’s starting to become a habit.”

“I don’t mind at all”, Kylo said and this time Armitage was almost sure he was blushing lightly. He didn’t have it in him to protest anymore and walked over to Kylo’s bed, the wooden fox clutched in his hand. Kylo pulled the covers over him and sat down beside him.

“Armitage, everything you told me is safe with me”, he said. “But I have to tell you that I think you should talk to someone who can help you better.”  
Armitage closed his eyes. “A psychiatrist you mean.”

Kylo hesitated. “Yes.”

“Do you think I need to go to a mental health institution?” Armitage’s voice was shaking.

Kylo was silent for a moment. “It helped me.” He finally said. Armitage was suddenly wide awake again. He looked up at Kylo. “You were in a psychiatric clinic?”  


“Yes. For over six months.”

“Kylo.” Armitage sat up. He wanted to reach out and hug Kylo, pull him close and tell him that he was so glad he had made it through, but he did not dare. “Are you feeling better now?” he asked instead.

Kylo nodded. “They saved me. I would not be able to lead this life without the doctors there.”

Armitage did not want to seem nosy, but maybe they had kept secrets for too long. “It was after your father died?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” He reached out and took Kylo’s hand and Kylo’s fingers immediately closed around his. 

“I blamed myself for my father’s death”, Kylo said. 

Armitage remembered what Marissa had told him and his heart beat quicker. He had never really questioned her version, even though he had never talked with Kylo about it. But Nelly seemed to believe it too. 

“I know”, Kylo said, looking at Armitage. “You heard that I killed him, right? It’s what people choose to think.”

“But you didn’t.”

Kylo shook his head. “It was an accident I was in juvenile prison for three month because I got into trouble afterwards. It was for crashing a stolen car, not for murder.”

“Then why don’t you tell them?”

“I don’t care anymore what they think.”

“But it’s outrageous. You need to defend yourself. This can still hurt you, Kylo.”

“I always thought that if someone really cared they’d ask me about it.”

“I care”, Armitage said, eyes shining bright. “Tell me what really happened.”

“It was an accident”, Kylo said, voice calm. “He took me on a hiking trail among steep cliffs in an awful rain storm. I knew it was dangerous. I was scared, but I didn’t complain.”

“Why?”

“It was rare enough that my father chose to spend time with me. And I knew he’d be disappointed if I complained. He always thought I was not daring enough.”  


“He put you in danger.”

“Yes, but he didn’t see it that way.” Kylo was very pale now, his eyes dark and sad. “He slipped and fell but managed to hold onto the edge of the cliff. I grabbed his hand. Tried to pull him up. But I couldn’t. I was a boy. Not as strong as I am now. He let go when he realized I might fall over with him.”

Armitage was silent. A shiver ran down his spine. Kylo’s hand in his own felt cold and he realized it was the first time that Kylo’s touch didn’t feel warm. “I’m so sorry”, he whispered.

“It was fifteen years ago. I was sixteen then. I don’t remember what happened afterwards or how I got back in the storm. The memory never came back, so I know what memory loss feels like.”

“I’m so glad you made it back”, Armitage said. “So glad I met you.”

Kylo looked up at him and some of the pain in his eyes dissolved. “So am I.”

“Thank you for telling me”, Armitage said. “I wish I had asked you before.”

“I’m glad you know now.” Kylo pressed his hand. “Glad you believe me. But this isn’t about me, Armitage. I’m fine. You are the one that might need help.”  
“You are right.” He let himself sink down on the mattress. “I do need help.” Admitting it didn’t feel as if a weight was lifted off his chest. The weight was still there but for the first time in a long while there was hope he might feel better one day, lighter, more at ease. “I was in a psychiatric hospital for a week after my panic attack. But I didn’t allow myself to open up or talk about anything. I just wanted out. My doctor begged me to stay for a while but when he saw it was no use, he helped me to get out.”

“It wasn’t the right time for you.”

Armitage nodded. “I was too afraid I would have to stay forever.”

“Most people leave after a while feeling better”, Kylo said. “I wish there weren’t so many prejudices. Everyone may need that kind of help at some point in his or her life.”

“I suppose I have a lot to deal with. I don’t even remember all of it yet.”

“I’m here for you, Armitage”, Kylo said. “If you want me to, I can stay with you through this.”

“Yes, please.” He looked up at Kylo’s beautiful face and gathered his courage. “Will you lay down beside me?” 

“Are you sure you want me to? Am I not overstepping your boundaries?”

Armitage’s lips curved into a tiny smile. “You already slept beside me once.”

“You were freezing then. It was the best way to get you warm.”

“I need you to warm me now.”

Kylo didn’t protest anymore but slid under the covers with him. 

How was it possible to feel so wonderful, so at ease just by lying next to someone? Kylo’s body was warm and strong and it felt as if Armitage’s very soul was calming down just from being close to him. Kylo gently put one arm around him without pulling him close and Armitage was content with that. He could hear Kylo breathing, could almost feel his heartbeat and that was all he wanted right now. He felt exhausted, as if he’d run a marathon but he also felt safe and protected. No one before Kylo had made him feel like that.

Maybe it was possible. Maybe he could feel happy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Armitage made an important first step, but this is not over for him unfortunately. Thanks for staying with me! Glad about any feedback for this chapter.


	12. Into the Dark

When Armitage awoke, he felt warm and rested and was sure he’d slept for a long time. He turned his head to see Kylo lying next to him, watching him. His eyes were warm and full of concern and Armitage wondered how he had ever been able to see him as distant and condescending. It was so far from the truth. They were not touching, and Armitage found he was disappointed about that, but he was also too shy to reach out or huddle closer. Instead he tried a little smile and stretched under the covers. “Good morning.” His throat was a little sore, but otherwise he felt better than he had in weeks.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?”

“Better.” Memories from last night slowly came back and he frowned. I’m sorry I unloaded all of that on you.”

“No, it’s alright”, Kylo said. “I’m glad you talked to me.”

It was a little strange to lie so close to Kylo without being able to touch him and not knowing if Kylo even wanted him to. He remembered that he had not really left Kylo a choice, demanding he climb in bed with him and now that he was a little less confused and overwhelmed, he kind of regretted it. 

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Nine o’clock.”

 

“Don’t you get up a lot earlier?”

“I didn’t want to wake you. You seemed to sleep so well. Did you have any nightmares?”

Armitage shook his head. “I slept wonderfully.”

Kylo’s eyes crinkled in that beautiful smile he had, and Armitage felt his heart beat a little faster. “I’m glad about that. Are you hungry?”

Armitage didn’t feel like facing everyone else at the breakfast table right now. He needed time to adjust to what had changed. Of course, he had to tell Marissa and Nelly at some point that he was considering therapy, but right now he still had to come to terms with it on his own. He shook his head. “I think I’ll skip breakfast today”

“At least let me get you a coffee and a croissant”, Kylo said. “You don’t have to eat it if you really don’t want to.”

“That sounds good.”

Armitage went back to sleep as soon as Kylo had left the room. Kylo’s bed seemed like a safe haven he had reached after weathering a terrible storm. He awoke when the door was opened, though and sat up. Thankful he reached for the cup of coffee. Kylo had also brought one for himself and sat down at the side of the bed. 

“You were right”, Armitage said, taking a sip of coffee. “I realize that I do need help if I really want to feel better.”

Kylo let his cup sink and looked at him. “I’m glad you are thinking about it.”

“I may need to spend time in a facility.”

“Even if that is the case, you will get through it.” Kylo hesitated. “You said you were hearing voices, seeing things. Do you want to talk about that now?”  
“I can’t really put all of it into words.” Armitage was still afraid Kylo might be shocked by what he could tell him. Even though it felt good to be open with him, he also felt as if this was something he had to deal with alone first, before he could talk about it. And he did not want Kylo to feel like he had to be his therapist. “I think I need time to be able to.”

“I understand.”

They drank their coffee in silence and Armitage thought that he had never felt this comfortable with anyone. Not even close. He wished they could just spend the whole day like this, but he had kept Kylo away from his tasks long enough.

“I know you have a lot of work”, he finally said. “I’m alright on my own.”

Kylo shook his head. “I’m staying with you today. I don’t want you to be alone.”

“I think I just need some more rest”, Armitage said. And it was true. He felt exhausted again, even though he had not even gotten up yet. “You don’t need to sit at my bed the whole time. I’ll sleep some more.”

“Are you sure?” Kylo hesitated. “Loki isn’t feeling well and Phasma asked me to take a look at him.”

“Of course. Please go.”

“I’ll look in on you in an hour.” Kylo quietly closed the door behind him.

Armitage didn’t go back to sleep this time after Kylo had left the room. There were too many thoughts in his head and while the fear and strain had lessened, he still didn’t feel calm. There was too much he had to think about. Kylo’s story. His own memory loss. The fact that he was going to go back into a clinic. Strangely the prevalent thought in all this chaos was still that he was feeling more and more attracted to Kylo. 

It wasn’t just that he was starting to see how beautiful Kylo looked, even though his face was not the typical kind of handsome. What was more important was the way he felt around him and the depth and warmth he detected in Kylo. There was so much more to him than he had first thought, and it had been such a long time that he’d felt like this for someone. It had never been this strong, like a constant pull at his heart and he had never acted upon it. And he probably wouldn’t now, because he could not imagine what Kylo would want with someone like him. He certainly didn’t want him to give him a chance out of pity.   
Maybe they could be good friends, but first and foremost he had to become better. Now that he was finally facing his problems it became clear to him how much this illness was limiting him. Back in London he had never allowed himself a minute’s rest and of course that had been unhealthy as well. But right now, he felt as if getting out of bed was too hard a task. Even reading was impossible, because his mind kept wandering. How had he been able to ignore the bad shape he was in for so long? Thinking back, he hadn’t felt well even before the events with Hewitt. 

The day dragged on with Kylo constantly checking in on him and he felt bad about taking up so much of his time and energy. So around lunch he forced himself to get dressed and leave the room to make Kylo see he was feeling better. He even went to have lunch in the dining room and sitting there with Marissa and Nelly and Mitaka bringing in plates with meat and vegetables, gave him a sense of normalcy he needed right now. 

Marissa was unusually quiet, and he was glad about it. She didn’t even ask questions he would not be able to answer. He still hadn’t made a definite decision about what he was going to do, but he felt more and more that he didn’t really have a choice. 

Dessert had already been served when Canady came in, holding a small card. “We just received a telegram from Lord Whitecliff”, he said. “He will be home tomorrow or the day after at the latest.”

Marissa sat up and for a moment Armitage thought she was startled, but then a bright smile appeared on her face. “That’s great news”, she said. “And typical for him to send a telegram. He could have just called.”

“I didn’t even know you could still send them”, Armitage said, surprised by the relief he was feeling. He hadn’t even known until now how much he wanted to talk to his great-uncle about everything. He had known him since he was a small child and even thought they had never been close, he believed now that Roderick cared about him and he needed someone he could trust. 

In the afternoon he asked Kylo’s aunt Mary to have tea with him in the room with the fireplace. He sat looking into the flames and listened to the light clicking sound of her knitting needles. It made him calm down but also realize how much turmoil there was inside of him. Talking about everything had helped but his anxiety had not disappeared. He asked Mary to tell him more about Kylo and gladly listened to stories about a head-strong but sensitive young boy who had brought all kinds of animals into the house to safe them and had written a long poem on the wall of his room because he thought it looked good there.   
“I know now what happened to his father”, Armitage said, and Mary nodded.

“I’m glad he talked about that with you. In the last years he has become more and more withdrawn and I sometimes feared he’d completely given up on people.”  
“Who could blame him?” Armitage asked. Millicent climbed on his lap and he smiled. 

Mary smiled as well, looking up from her knitting. “I’m still glad he hasn’t. I don’t know where he’d be if it wasn’t for your uncle.”

“I think Kylo built a beautiful life here”, Armitage said. “He seems more content than most of the people I know.”

“Yes, maybe you are right.”

“I envy him to be honest.”

“You could stay here”, Mary said, frowning because she had dropped a few mashes. “Your uncle would be happy.”

“First, I have to take care of a few things”, he said. “I might as well tell you. I’m probably going into therapy. Kylo already knows.”

Mary didn’t seem surprised. She nodded. “Very wise to take care of yourself.”

They stayed at the fire for a while longer and Armitage listened to her stories and asked a few questions. He felt as if he had known her for a long time. There was still so much on his mind but at least for a while it didn’t seem as consuming. He realized how much energy it took to push everything that had happened to the back of his mind. At least now he had a perspective. He was still frightened about what was to come but now the future wasn’t something he had no influence on. 

The approaching night also didn’t terrify him today, because he knew he would spend it in Kylo’s room. He didn’t like it that Kylo saw him this helpless, but he also couldn’t change that he was depending on him for now. And it would only be a few more days. Maybe when he returned there would be a chance for them to build a real friendship. He didn’t even dare think about anything else. 

In the afternoon Dr. Storm came by and this time his visit didn’t frighten Armitage. He had nothing to hide anymore. 

“I spoke to your doctor in London”, Storm said, when they were alone in Armitage’s room. “A very charming man.”

“I can’t say I agree”, Armitage said, but he managed a smile. “I think he’s rather pushy.”

“He cares about your well-being”, Storm said while osculating him. He seemed serious now. “And he is worried about your mental health.”

Armitage hesitated for a moment. “He’s right”, he finally said. “I’m not in a good place right now.”

“Have you thought about therapy?” Storm asked. “If I’m completely honest with you it seems as if your physical well-being is starting to be affected. Your heartbeat is irregular sometimes and your fainting attacks could also have psychological reasons.”

“I know.”

“Don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean they’re less worrisome and I would recommend a medical check-up as well. I see no effects from getting lost in the cold but overall you are not in a good physical condition.” 

Storm sounded warm but serious and Armitage wondered whether Dameron had asked him to plead with him. In hindsight he felt sorry for not listening to him earlier.

“You are right, doctor. I have almost decided to go into a psychiatric clinic”, he said. “I only want to talk it through with my uncle.”

Storm’s shoulders relaxed and Armitage realized only now how tense he must have been. “Dr. Dameron will be pleased to hear that. He was very worried about you when I told him about your symptoms.”

Armitage swallowed hard when he thought about how worried Dameron would probably have been if he’d known all of them. “It was unreasonable of me to ignore them for so long”, he said. “I can see that now.”

“And brave of you to seek help now. I can recommend New Craig’s psychiatric clinic in Inverness. They achieve very good results.”

“So, I don’t even have to go as far as Edinburgh?”

Storm shook his head. “The patients I talked to were very satisfied.”

Armitage wondered if Kylo had been there. He would have to ask him. The thought of being able to stay close to Whitecliff Hall was almost too good and made the decision a lot easier for him. “That is good to hear.”

“If you want me to, I can call anytime and enrol you. After having talked to your doctor I can also write your referral.”

“Thank you.” Armitage buttoned up his shirt and felt that he could breathe a bit more freely after this talk. Things were really coming together. And he would not even have to go that far. Inverness was about a ninety minutes train ride from Whitecliff Hall.

*

When Kylo entered, Armitage was already wearing his pyjamas and eating chicken soup from a bowl Nelly had brought in earlier. If she was surprised, he was staying in Kylo’s room, she didn’t let it on with a single word or look. Once again, her only concern was how much Armitage was eating and he loved her for that. He wasn’t hungry but at least his appetite had partly returned, and he enjoyed the hot brothel. 

“This looks cozy”, Kylo said with a smile, taking off his hooded black coat and hanging it over the chair by the fire. Apparently, it had been snowing, because there were still snowflakes melting in his hair. He must have come straight to his room and realizing that warmed Armitage’s heart. 

“It is cozy”, he said. “I’ve come to love this arm chair. “Sorry for taking it. It’s probably your favourite place.”

“No. I’m glad you’re here”, Kylo said, sitting down in the chair opposite Armitage. “How are you feeling?”

“Better than last night. I talked to your aunt. She knows about my plan. I’m not going to keep it a secret. Just waiting for the right time to tell the others.”

“Once you’ve started talking about it, it becomes easier”, Kylo said. 

“I also want to see my uncle before I leave and tell him myself.”

Kylo nodded. “He will support you.”

Armitage put the bowl of soup down on the little table beside the armchair. “To be honest, he doesn’t even know me. I’m glad he talks kindly about me, but we never talked much.”

“Still I’m sure he will want you to do what is best for you. He is very fond of you.”

“I wish he knew more about me. I never even told him I’m gay.”

“He won’t mind that”, Kylo said, looking up. “He did not mind at all when I came out to him.”

Armitage felt his heart-beat accelerating and his cheeks warming. Until now he had not been quite sure about Kylo’s sexuality and it worried him a little how elated he felt right now. “That is so good to hear”, he said with his first broad smile in weeks. “Really takes a load off my shoulders.”

“Your uncle is a good man. Just like you, Armitage.”

Armitage leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He felt happy right now and that was a feeling that had eluded him for such a long time. Of course, he knew Kylo being gay didn’t mean he was also attracted to him. In fact, it was unlikely. But at least there was a chance. And his stupid heart wouldn’t stop doing summersaults. 

“Have you already eaten dinner?” he asked, opening his eyes. He needed to stay focused.

“Yes. Nelly left me a bowl of soup in the kitchen. I thought we could have a glass of wine together, if you want to? I know you should not drink much alcohol, but one glass can’t do any harm if you’re sleeping here, right? It may even calm your nerves.”

“Good idea”, Armitage said. It sounded perfect. 

“I think the servants have already retired to their rooms. If you don’t mind, I’ll go have a last look at Loki and get us a bottle of burgundy on my way back.”

“Is Loki alright?” Armitage asked, sitting up. 

“He’s being a diva as usual”, Kylo said. “There was a thorn in his hoof and that caused him to be irritated the whole day. Phasma is getting tired of him. I think he’ll like it if I give him a few oats before night-time.”

“Yes, you should do that.”

Kylo got up, took his coat and hesitated at the door. “Are you sure you’re going to be all-right?” he asked.

“I’m sure”, Armitage said. “I feel safe in your room.”

Kylo closed the door behind him and Armitage leaned back in the chair once more. It was so good to just sit here and listen to the wood crackle in the fireside. His mind was calmer than it had been in a long time and he was just dozing off a little, when foot-steps from the hall made him sit up. Was Kylo back already? But those footsteps sounded lighter than his, didn’t they?

He told himself to relax. It was Nelly or Marissa, getting something from downstairs. Then why had it sounded as if the steps had stopped in front of his door? Why was no-one knocking? 

Did he even want to hear that sound?

There was the well-known prickling at the nape of his neck, and he breathed in deep. He was safe. Nothing could happen to him here. He would not have to spend the night alone. Kylo would be back in less than an hour and that wonderful feeling of safety would return. 

“Hello?” he asked, and his voice sounded hollow. No-one answered. Had he imagined the footsteps? Why could he not just get up and see if there was someone in front of his door? What was he so afraid of?

He looked at his hands and saw they were shaking a little. His mouth felt dry. For days he had told himself he was imagining things. This afternoon he had been sure everything was only in his mind, that it would disappear as soon as he got help. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore. 

What if there was something here in Whitecliff Hall that wanted to harm him?

Yes, he had mental issues, there was no doubt about than anymore. But what if there was something else? Could that mean that not only he himself was in danger, but others too? Kylo maybe, who was out there on his own now?

Some of the things that had happened could not be explained by his mind playing tricks. The light in his room had really gone out. The letter in his uncle’s study had been moved. He was almost sure of that. 

He would talk to Kylo about it. It was not a good idea to leave this room now. He would wait for thirty minutes and hopefully Kylo would be back by then. They would have a glass of wine and he would tell Kylo that he felt threatened. He knew Kylo would not laugh at him, even if he thought it was only his imagination. And tomorrow they could find out if there was a reason the light in Armitage’s room often went out. Maybe there was an easy explanation for all of this.

He sat up when he heard someone call his name. He was almost sure it had not been Kylo, although it was a man’s voice. Still he got up and went over to the door. After a moment of hesitation, he opened it. “Hello?” he called out into the empty hallway. The echo sent a shiver down his spine.

Could he really be sure it hadn’t been Kylo calling for him? And even if it wasn’t, what if someone else needed his help? The voice had sounded urgent. For a moment he thought about knocking on random doors to get help, but there really wasn’t an emergency and he still didn’t want people to think he was crazy. It was cold in the hall and he went over to the desk and took one of Kylo’s woollen sweaters that was hanging over a chair. He immediately felt better when he put it on. He would go down into the hall, because he thought the call had come from there and if he didn’t find anything he would come back here and wait.   
He had just stepped out into the hall when and awful sound made the little hairs on his arms stand on end. It was the rumbling and crashing sound of a body falling down a set of stairs. Without hesitating another moment, he rushed down into the hall and froze completely when he saw the door to the cellar was open.

The bottle of wine. 

Kylo had probably gone down to get it and the light bulb was broken. 

“Kylo!” he ran over to the open door and peered into the darkness. There was no movement, no sound and the silence made his knees go weak with fear. Kylo must have fallen. There was no other explanation for the sound he had heard.

Unless of course, he was imagining things again.

His heartbeat was almost painful by now and it was hard to breathe. He wanted to get help, but he didn’t know where and if Kylo was down there maybe he needed help quick. He was torn between staying and running up the stairs again.

He could not leave Kylo alone. 

Kylo had always been there for him and if he needed him now, Armitage could not leave. Not even to get help. With shaking knees, he stepped onto the dark stairway, fists clenched so hard his fingernails left marks.

“Kylo?” he whispered again, and his voice sounded creepy and forlorn at the same time. He had one shoulder to the wall to find his way and he hated hearing his own breathing. Part of him was afraid someone would close the door behind him, and he would be lost in this darkness forever, because if that happened there was no way he would not become crazy. Every nerve in his body was on edge.

And then he saw it.

In the dim light from the hallway he could just make out a human form at the edge of the stairs, lying completely still.

“Kylo!” He wanted to scream but the sound that left his lips was nothing more than a broken whisper. For a moment he was sure he had lost everything that had finally been good in his life and it drained his own life from him. His blood froze in his veins and his heart stopped beating for a few seconds.

He felt numb when he knelt down next to the hooded figure. He knew that he could not turn him around, because that might cause more harm. Still he stretched out his shaking hand to remove the hood from the face, expecting to see long dark hair.

Hewitt sat up and looked at him and his hand pressed against Armitage’s mouth before he could even scream. At the same moment the door at the top of the stairs fell shut.

They were in complete darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a fan of cliffhangers and I'm sorry about this one. As the next chapter is from Kylo's point of view, there wasn't really another option. I promise to update soon!  
> And thank you for your wonderful feedback up to now!


	13. Abyss

Kylo had never minded the cold during the winters in Whitecliff Hall, but tonight as he was walking the well-known path to the stables, he didn’t even feel it. There was warmth inside of him, filling him up like sparkling wine. He hadn’t known he could feel such happiness. It reminded him of his childhood. Waiting for Christmas day and staying awake with Rey, listening to any sound coming from below. Getting that wonderful present he hadn’t thought he deserved. Riding a horse for the first time. Being picked up from school by his father who told him they could spend the day together. That feeling of utter joy that had overcome him at those moments had completely disappeared since Han died and he hadn’t even known he was missing something.

But now it was as if a hole inside of him was filled for the first time and it took his breath away. He couldn’t wait to get back to Armitage. A voice inside his head told him that all of this was much too soon. He had no idea if Armitage even liked him in a way that could be a foundation for more to grow. First and foremost, it was important that he became healthy again. Still he could not stop his heart from singing, his pulse from racing with joy at the thought of him.

He pushed back his hood when he entered the stable and stepped up to Thor’s box. The tall horse greeted him with a gentle snort and Kylo offered him a carrot from the bucket near the entrance.

“Someone’s really impatient to see you”, Phasma said and Loki agreed with a reproachful neigh. 

“I’m coming”, Kylo said, picking another carrot. “Thanks for staying with him.”

“He’s used to you being around all day whenever he’s being dramatic, so he’s a little put out now.”

“I’m sorry.” Kylo grinned and offered the carrot to the lean black horse. Loki hesitated a moment, before taking it from him. “There, there. I didn’t mean to make you feel neglected.”

“You’ve spoiled him rotten, that’s all”, Phasma said, leaving the box and taking a pitchfork from the wall. She started to clear out the empty box next to Loki’s. “I think it’s very good you have someone else to worry about now. How is the red-headed beauty from the city?”

“Armitage was better tonight”, Kylo said with a little smile. “He really is on a good path now, I think.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Is he staying in your room?”

Kylo nodded, feeling his cheeks warm.

“You’re blushing. I didn’t even know you could do that.”

“Then stop asking these kinds of questions.”

“It suits you. And it also makes me think you may have fallen in love a little.”

“Even if I have that’s not what Armitage needs right now.”

“So, you’re not even denying it.”

Kylo shook his head and petted Loki’s blaze. “I’m not. I didn’t even think it was possible.”

“Oh, come on you’re a hopeless romantic. People like me stay alone, not tragic heroes like you.”

Kylo frowned. “I’m not a tragic hero.”

In a way you are and so is Armitage. That’s why you complement each other so well.” Phasma leaned on her pitchfork. “Mary visited me here. She had tea with Armitage, and she seems very fond of him.”

“Yes, she told me I have to treat him well and that is saying a lot.” Kylo filled Loki’s crib with fresh hay. “But right now, Armitage needs a friend and nothing else. And that’s what I’m going to be.”

“Stop being so noble.”

“It’s not about being noble. I want him to become better. That’s the most important thing right now.”

“Yes. You’re right of course.” She resumed her work. “And I was only asking if he was staying with you, because something about the whole situation smells fishy to me.”

Kylo stopped working and looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure but he seems to feel so threatened, almost haunted. Maybe there is someone who wants him harm.”

“There is another explanation for his fear, I’m afraid.”

“I know you think he has mental problems and that is true without doubt. But what if there’s something else?”

Kylo swallowed hard. “Do you think someone may have followed him here?”

“I wouldn’t rule it out. He’s in a state of weakness. Some people take advantage of that.”

“Maybe aunt Mary has a similar feeling. She told me to take care of him.”

Phasma nodded.

“I should probably get back to the house.” Kylo pettet Loki’s neck once more. “We’re almost done here, anyway.”

“Yes, I’ll accompany you.”

Kylo fastened the bolt on Loki’s door. He was suddenly in a hurry to get back. Armitage had seemed so well when he had left him. Better than ever before and of course he was safe in Kylo’s room. Then again, he had admitted to having black-outs and what if Phasma was right and there was someone who wanted him harm? He decided that he would try to watch him more closely from now on.

They left the stable and made their way back to the house through heavy snow-fall. Kylo wrapped his scarf a little tighter and pulled up his shoulders. It was not going to be possible to take the sleigh to the village tomorrow, Kylo thought. That was unfortunate, because he had imagined that he and Armitage could take a little trip there together. If Armitage was really going into therapy, they didn’t have a lot of time left together and he wanted to make the most of it. Especially since he didn’t even know what would happen afterwards.

“Do you think Armitage could ever imagine living here?” he asked.

“Why not? He seems to like it. And from what I’ve heard he doesn’t seem too keen on getting back to London.”

"He certainly doesn’t. But it must be a difficult decision to give up a life in the city to come here.”

“Not if it makes you happier.”

“Do you think it would?” Kylo turned to face Phasma. “Make him happy to live here, I mean.”

“Yes, I do”, she said simply.

“Why?”

“Because he seems to be incredibly lonely. Also, you mean a lot to him already.”

Kylo’s heart beat faster. “Why do you think so?”

“The way he looks at you, tries to be close to you as often as possible. It’s obvious to anyone apart from you.”

“I imagined him to be so different”, Kylo said. “Arrogant. Aloof. I really didn’t treat him well in the beginning.”

“He seemed a little condescending at first.”

“Not really”, Kylo smiled. “He’s just so good-looking that you can’t help but imagine he must be conceited.”

“Whatever you say, Kylo.”

“I never thought he’d like me. To be honest I was even afraid he might tell his uncle to remove me from his property.”

“Lord Whitecliff would not have done that.”

“Still, it would not have felt nice to have another enemy apart from Marissa who is close to him.”

“You won’t have to worry about that now. I’m sure Armitage will tell his uncle to keep you forever.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, you idiot. Because he wants to be with you. I think I have never heard you talk so much in one night. Are you the same Kylo I know?”

Before Kylo could answer, he noticed something that made his skin crawl. The entrance door to the manor stood wide open. He could see light pouring out from the entrance hall. He stopped short and grabbed Phasma’s arm. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Phasma asked. 

The door was never kept open. Not even in summer and certainly not during heavy snowfall. 

Kylo felt as if his heart skipped a few beats and then continued beating in a fast but unsteady rhythm. He was almost sure what this meant but his mind would not let him think it. 

“Do you think someone broke in?” 

He shook his head. “Armitage.”

The word broke some kind of spell, and he rushed towards the house, Phasma right behind him. There were footprints in the snow, already being covered by new flakes and for a moment he considered following them. But there was more than one track and he had to do the right thing now, he could not panic.   
Without bothering to get rid of his boots or coat, he hurried up the stairs towards his room and pulled the door open. He hoped against hope that Armitage would be there, reading by the firelight, his beautiful hair shining like a halo. Or already asleep in bed, looking like and elf from a magical fairytale. 

The room was empty and Kylo’s world collapsed around him. He was back on the cliff, grasping his father’s hand, knowing he would be unable to hold on to him. Fear gripped every part of him, making him unable to think clearly.

“We need to find him”, Phasma said, calm but determined. “I’ll get everybody. Don’t go outside before we make a plan. This search has to be organised or we don’t stand a chance in this weather.”

Kylo nodded, feeling numb. All he wanted to do was rush out into the snow and follow the first track or run into the forest, calling Armitage’s name. But he also knew Phasma was right. If they made the wrong decisions now it could cost Armitage his life. 

Still he could not help hurrying back down the stairs and walking out into the snow to call for him. His voice sounded small and hopeless in the darkness and nothing but silence answered. Suddenly the tall white trees seemed threatening, the frozen forest like a deadly trap. Cold shivers ran down his spine and he called Armitage’s name again. 

Phasma assembled everybody incredibly fast. Even aunt Mary was there when he came back into the hall, seeming small and fragile in her night-gown and he wanted to cry when he saw her. But there was no time for it. 

“Poor Armitage”, Marissa was wide-eyed and shivering, pulling a cardigan around her. “We have to find him quick.”

“We will”, Phasma said. “I’m going outside with Kylo, Canady and Mitaka. Marissa, Nelly and Mary, could you search the house? Maybe he is still in here.”  
Nelly came down the stairs. “What is going on?” she asked, frightened. “Is something wrong?”

“We need to find Armitage”, Marissa said, taking her arm. “Come upstairs with me.”

“I’ll join you in a minute”, Mary said, while Canady was giving out flashlights. She walked over to Phasma and quietly told her something. Phasma frowned, but nodded.

“Can we leave now?” Kylo asked with all the calm he could muster. He needed to get out there now.

“Kylo.” Mary came over to him. “You need to search the cellar first.”

“The cellar?” He frowned and looked to the closed door.

Mary nodded.

“He would never go in there. He hates the dark.”

“Please, Kylo. I’ll explain later. It’s very important.”

He hesitated for a moment and watched Phasma ascend the stairs. “Where is she going?”

“There is no time now to explain. We need every minute.” Kylo nodded. Mitaka and Canady were already heading out and he walked towards the cellar door. Mary always had her reasons. She would not waste precious moments that could cost Armitage’s life if there wasn’t a good reason for it.

Full of dread he walked towards the cellar door. What would it mean if Armitage was in fact down there? He could not think about that now. There was not time for anything but concentrating all his energy on this search. He descended the stairs as fast as he could, shining his flashlight in front of him, because the lightbulb was still broken.

“Armitage?”

His voice echoed from the walls and even though he had never been afraid of the dark, had even embraced darkness as a friend in some of his most dreadful hours, now he was shivering. It felt as if something was lurking down there, but it was not a person or even a monster but the thought of what he might find.   
Luckily, he knew the labyrinthine cellar well and felt for the light switch at the bottom of the stairs. The corridor remained dark, even though he knew he had exchanged that lightbulb not too long ago. He continued without hesitating, shining his flashlight in front of him. The next lamp didn’t turn on either, so the fuse must have blown. He felt as if he was in some kind of fog, not able to think or concentrate on anything but finding Armitage. The fact that there were footsteps behind him only registered in the back of his mind. Maybe it was Phasma or Mitaka, following him to help him. 

“Armitage?” he called again. What if his aunt had been wrong and he was not down here? What if he was freezing in the snow at this very moment and he wasn’t there to help him? He was almost ready to turn around, but aunt Mary always had her reasons and he trusted her. So, he decided to go a little further. 

“Kylo!” he heard his aunt’s voice call out behind him and if it hadn’t been for her, he would not have been able to react in time. As it was, he spun around and warded off the iron bar that was aimed at his head. He grabbed it with both hands and pulled the hooded man who was holding it towards him, to punch him in the face. The man let go of the bar and staggered backwards, against the wall. 

“Who are you?” Kylo grabbed the pole harder. At that moment it dawned on him. “Hewitt? Is that your name?”

He was overcome by such rage, that he saw stars before his eyes. The wish to kill the man in front of him was overwhelming and some of the well-known rage that had inhabited him so long after his father’s death welled up again. “Is that your name?”

The mand didn’t answer and only scowled at him. Kylo raised the iron bar, ready to strike. “What did you do to Armitage?” The fear he felt for him outshone even his rage and made his skin crawl. And his pulse race.

“Wait, Kylo.” Aunt Mary sounded calm, if a little breathless. “We need him conscious.”

“Yes.”

Mary stepped in front of the man, who was still glaring at Kylo. His nose was bleeding and Kylo hoped that he had broken it. He had to control his breathing to suppress the urge to attack the other man and break a few more bones.

“We know you did something to Armitage down here”, Mary said. “Tell us where he is.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was just looking for shelter down here. There was an open window and…”

“Spare us your lies. No police will be able to get here tonight in the snow-storm, but they certainly will tomorrow. Their dogs will find him. It would be better for you if we found him alive. He will not survive the night in the cold down here as I’m sure was your intention.”

The stranger seemed to contemplate her words for a few moments. Then he nodded. “I’ll show you”, he said. “And be aware this wasn’t my idea.”

“You gaslighted him”, Kylo said. “Nearly drove him insane. He’s depressed and you used that to try and murder him.”

The man shrugged. “Didn’t take much to make him snap. I don’t think he would have stayed sane without us much longer. He was heading straight for an abyss.”  
“And you threw him into it, you disgusting excuse for a human being.” Kylo’s hands grabbed the pole so hard it made his fingers hurt. Only the knowledge that they needed Hewitt to find Armitage kept him from hitting him over the head with it. 

“Mary? Kylo?” Phasma’s voice echoed down the corridor.

“We’re here”, Mary called and Phasma rounded the corner, a flashlight in her hands.

“Locked her in as you told me”, she said. “I only hope you know what you’re doing, Mary. Otherwise I’ll be accused of deprivation of liberty. Might be worth it, though.”

“Who did you lock up?” Kylo asked, pulling Hewitt to his feet with brutal force.

“Marissa”, Mary said. “His fiancée.” She pointed at Hewitt.

Kylo didn’t understand, but there would be time to explain later. Right now, they needed to find Armitage. He grabbed Hewitt and Phasma took the man’s other arm. 

“Hurry”, Kylo said. “Where is he?”

Hewitt led them to a room down the aisle that was empty apart from some wooden boxes and old tools. Kylo had never been in here. “Down there.” Hewitt pointed to a trapdoor in the floor and Kylo felt his guts shrink. Armitage hated being alone in the dark. He had been frightened in his own room and he had such dreadful visions. Cold fear for the man he was in love with grabbed his heart.

Phasma took hold of Hewitt. Kylo opened the trapdoor and climbed down the narrow stairs as quick as possible. The light of his torch found a huddled figure on the floor and he knelt down next to him.

“Armitage”, he whispered. “I’m here. Say something!”

Armitage stared at him with wide open eyes and for a moment Kylo was terrified, because he wasn’t responding at all. Then he saw, that he was gagged. He hurried to remove the cellotape from his mouth without hurting him. It went easier than he would have thought.

“Hewitt”, Armitage croaked. “He’s here. You have to be careful, Kylo. I didn’t imagine him.” He tried to sit up but couldn’t and Armitage realized his wrists were taped together behind his back. 

“I know.” Kylo pulled him close. “We have him.”

“I was so afraid he might get to you”, Armitage pressed his face against Kylo’s shoulder. “I wasn’t even scared of the dark.”

“I’m fine. I’m getting you out of here.” Kylo struggled for a moment to remove the tape from Armitage’s wrists. Then he scooped him up into his arms and carried him all the way up to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all! This story is finally coming to it's conclusion. Thanks so much for all the encouragement! Tell me did you guess this outcome? The next chapter will be out in two weeks.


	14. Awakening

“He’s burning up”, Kylo said and Armitage could clearly hear the fear in his voice.

He wanted to tell him not to worry, because he was freezing rather than burning, but he somehow could not string the words together. His mind was reeling, his head aching. The whole time down in the cellar he had wanted to tell Kylo to be careful and now he could hardly concentrate on anything else, even though Kylo kept telling him they were safe.

“Get him out of that pullover”, Mary said. “I’ll get a wet cloth and tell Nelly to make cold compresses. No wonder he has a fever after what he’s been through.”  
Armitage tried to help Kylo take of the pullover as best as he could. 

“I’m glad you wore this”, Kylo said. “It must have kept you a little warmer.”

“Where is Hewitt?” Armitage asked. “Did you see him too?”

“Yes, I saw him. He really is here, Armitage. You didn’t imagine him. I’m sorry I didn’t come to that conclusion earlier.”

“I thought he was a vision myself.” Armitage’s teeth were chattering. “Is he locked up?”

“Of course. Phasma is keeping watch on him and Marissa. Try to relax a little, please.” He pushed Armitage back into the cushion and Armitage closed his eyes. But he immediately felt as if he was back down in the cellar and panic took holf of him. He made to sit up again. “What happened? Why did they do that to me?”  
“We will find out tomorrow. The police will be here as soon as the snow-fall lessens a little. Please Armitage, you need to rest now.” Kylo took his hand. “I’ll stay here. I’ll keep watch.”

Armitage tried to close his eyes but the feeling of being hunted would not go away and he could almost feel his pulse racing. He drifted in and out of reality and sometimes felt as if he was alone in his room or back down in the cellar. Sometimes he was so hot, he wanted to ask Kylo to open a window, sometimes he shivered from the cold. Kylo tried to give him something to drink but he turned his head away. 

“It’s tea”, Kylo said. “Please, you need to stay hydrated.”

He heard the barely controlled panic in Kylo’s voice and took a swig of the warm liquid to calm him. It angered him that he was so weak. He wanted to find out what was really happening. He still wasn’t quite sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him right now. Was Kylo really here? Was he really out of the cellar?  
He sat up alarmed when he heard an extremely loud noise from outside. It sounded as if a gigantic chainsaw was approaching to cut the whole forest down. He moaned and pressed his hands against his ears, almost sure he was imagining sounds again.

Kylo very gently took his hands away from his head. “It’s the helicopter”, he said. “Don’t worry Armitage, the police are coming. Marissa and Hewitt will be arrested.”

The sound became so loud Armitage was sure his head would explode, the raw pain making him wince. Kylo put an arm around his shoulders and it helped a little, to feel him so close. He wasn’t imagining this, right? Kylo was right here.

Then the sound finally stopped, and he sank back on the mattress, feeling exhausted. There was nothing he wanted more than fall asleep, but nothing seemed more impossible right now.

When the door opened, and Dr. Storm entered he wasn’t sure if he really saw him. He didn’t really trust his mind anymore.

“Thank god you’re here, doctor”, Kylo said, getting up. “His fever won’t go down.”

“I thought he might need me”, Storm said. “That’s why I came with the officers. He opened his case and took out a syringe. “This will help you sleep”, he said, stepping closer to Armitage’s bed. “Can you give me your arm?”

Armitage did, looking up at Dr. Storm. Kylo went around the bed and took his other hand and Armitage relaxed a little for the first time tonight. Nelly entered with some wet towels and a moment later a cold cloth was placed on his forehead and two more wrapped around his lower legs. A thin blanket was drawn over him and Kylo’s big hand was still holding his, gently stroking his palm with his thumb. It felt wonderful and finally he felt himself drift off into a comforting darkness. 

After what felt like a very long time, he heard someone call his name as if through thick layers of fog and he reluctantly tried to swim back to consciousness.   
The first thing he noticed when he awoke again was that Kylo was still by his side. He was especially glad about that, as there were several other people in the room now. Apart from Mary and Dr. Storm both of whom he would not have minded, there were two officers in uniform, a man and a woman watching him intently. A glance at the clock told him that it was eight o’clock in the evening. He must have slept the whole day.

“Good evening, Mr. Hux”, the woman said. “I’m Officer Grey and this is my partner, Officer Langley. We would like to ask you some questions, if you don’t mind.”

“It’s important, Armitage”, Kylo said quietly. “For the case against Marissa and Hewitt. Otherwise we would not have woken you up.” He offered him a glass of water and Armitage gladly took it. “Where are they?” he asked, before drinking. The water tasted sweet and refreshing.

“In safe custody”, Grey said. “They were flown out to Inverness and are still being questioned. You have nothing to worry about anymore.”

“They can’t harm you”, her partner agreed. “We are sorry about what happened to you.”

“Why did they do that to me?” Armitage asked, because somehow that was the most pressing question.

“We will tell you al we know”, Grey said. “Would you be so kind to first answer some of our questions?”

Armitage nodded and for the next quarter of an hour he tortured is brain to answer all of the questions correctly. What had happened in the cellar? What kind of visions did he experience? What had his conversations with Marissa been about? When did he first meet Hewitt? What exactly had happened between them?  
Once again when he tried to answer that last question the darkness inside of him took over his consciousness and he was unable to speak, unable to remember anything.

“It’s enough”, Storm said, stepping closer to the bed. “I must ask you to leave him alone now.”

“Of course,”, Grey got up. “Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Hux. We really appreciate it. We will contact you tomorrow. Feel free to contact us anytime if you remember something.”

“Wait”, Armitage sat up. “What about my questions?”

“I’ll tell you everything we know so far”, Kylo said. “You won’t believe your ears.”

The officers left and Dr. Storm made to follow them. “I’ll spend the night here in Whitecliff Hall”, he said. “Call for me if there’s anything you need.” He closed the door behind himself.

They were left in the room with Kylo’s aunt, who took a seat in the arm chair. 

Armitage looked up at Kylo. “I haven’t lost my mind, have I?"

“No. Though it would not be a surprise after what they put you through. Are you sure you want to hear everything now? Or do you want to rest a little more?”  
“I can’t”, Armitage said. “Please tell me.”

“It was their plan all along to drive you insane”, Kylo said. “They didn’t shy away from anything.”

“But why?”

“Money”, Mary said. “The lowest motive in the world. They were after your great-uncle’s heritage.”

“You are Lord Whitecliff’s sole heir”, Kylo explained. “You were in their way. Marissa had managed to ensnare your great-uncle who always had a trusting heart. She was quite sure she would inherit his fortune in case anything happened to you.”

“Of course, she could not simply kill you”, Mary said. “Marissa would have been suspected right away. She and her brother hatched a cruel and gruesome plan. They’d drive you insane before everyone’s eyes and make your death seem like suicide or an accident due to your mental illness.”

“Her brother?”

“Hewitt”, Kylo answered. “They are brother and sister, though they pretend to be engaged. They’ve been working together for years.”

“The police found out some interesting information about the two of them”, Mary said. “When they were still very young a rich man fell in love with Marissa, married her and died in an accident soon after. She inherited a small fortune, but it didn’t support them for long.”

“Did they kill that man, too?”

“It is suspected that they did. Afterwards Marissa made friends with an elderly woman who was quite wealthy. She had no relatives and when she died a year later from what was thought at the time to be food-poisoning, Marissa inherited again.”

“That sounds like a gothic tale”, Armitage said, reaching for the water again.

Kylo handed it to him. “Indeed. Lord Whitecliff was just what they were looking for, after they had squandered away the old lady’s money. And they almost succeeded again.”

“Do they think they murder the other two people?”

Mary fowned. “They deny it, but the cases are being looked into again, of course.”

“It would not surprise me if they did”, Kylo said. “They have no qualms, no empathy. True psychopaths apparently.”

“So, I really did see Hewitt”, Armitage said “But what about the other things? The sounds that I heard, my black-outs?”

“They found micro speakers behind the wall-panels next to your door and beneath the floor-boards under your bed. And the mobile phone that Hewitt carried with him had a sound-file with crying sounds, recorded weeks earlier.”

“My break-down.” Armitage swallowed hard. “He was there. He must have recorded me, without anyone noticing.”

“Yes”, Mary agreed. “The only reason he ever started working at your company was to get into your head after Marissa had found out you were Lord Whitecliff’s heir. 

“What they did to you is called gaslighting”, Kylo said. He spoke in a calm and gentle voice, but Armitage could still see the cold anger in his eyes. “It is also suspected, that Marissa might have exchanged your sleeping pills with pills containing a substance that induces night-terrors and sleep-walking. She has studied a few semesters of pharmacy. But your pills are still being examined.”

“How did you even find me down in the cellar?” Armitage asked. He needed Kylo to keep talking with him, because he didn’t want his own thoughts taking over. Not yet.

“Yes, aunt Mary, how did you know?” Kylo looked over to the old lady. “I didn’t even get around to ask you.”

When we were all assembled down in the hall, I watched Marissa, because I already suspected something might be wrong with her. While we were talking about finding Armitage, she looked at the cellar door at least twice. That seemed strange to me, so I asked you to look there first.”

“Your intuition saved my life”, Armitage said.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door, which startled Armitage, but it was only Nelly who entered. “Dr. Storm told me you were awake and I though you might want dinner.” She was carrying a tablet with a bowl of steaming hot soup and a plate of Armitage’s favourite pasta. Also there was a cup of tea and a glass of milk. Nelly had tears in her eyes when she carefully put the plate down on the bed-stand. “I am so sorry about what happened to you, Mr. Hux. I can’t believe I didn’t realize what was going on. I trusted her.”

“None of us saw through her”, Kylo said. “Don’t blame yourself, Nelly.”

“She even talked to me about how she believed Mr. Hux was going insane.”

“And you informed my uncle against her wishes”, Armitage said. “I know you wanted to help me, Nelly.”

“But that was a mistake. It made them hurry.”

“And thus, they made mistakes”, Mary said. “Armitage might owe you his life, Nelly. If they had had more time before Lord Whitecliff returned they might have succeeded.”

Nelly was quiet for a moment. “You think so?”

“Yes. Their plan was working well. There would have been no need to speed things up and take risks if Lord Whitecliff had not announced his early return.”  
“I hope you are right”, Nelly said. “But the most important thing is that you get well soon, Mr. Hux.” She bowed her head and left the room. 

Armitage felt so tired now he desperately wanted to go back to sleep. But there were still some questions he needed answered. “What about the lights in my room?” Armitage asked, his voice sounding strained. “Why couldn’t I turn them on in the night?”

“They probably turned off the electricity”, Kylo said.”The control box is in the cellar and they could easily reach it.”

Armitage nodded. He could hardly keep his eyes open. Maybe he should have been relieved, because as it seemed he was not going insane or at least not schizophrenic. But all he felt was emptiness and exhaustion. He had found such darkness inside of himself and such fear and he was well aware that it would not just go away. Now that he had been able to face these things, he knew he had had mental issues long before Marissa and Hewitt. What they did to him had not happened because of that, but their plan had also done nothing to improve his situation. He felt like crying and at the same time he knew that he would not be able to. There was a sort of barrier inside of him, shielding his emotions and that he was even aware of it now was progress.

“I’ll leave you two alone now”, Mary said. “You need your rest, Armitage. Remember hat you are safe now.” She got up and left the room and Armitage was half afraid that Kylo would leave as well.

“Can you stay?” he asked.

“Of course, I’ll stay”, Kylo said, taking his hand again. “I would never leave you alone after what happened if you don’t want me to.”

“Can you lay down beside me again or would that be asking too much?”

“Are you sure? I can sit here all night. I don’t mind. If often spend the nights on the perches in the forest. I’m used to it.”

“I’d like to have you right next to me.”

Kylo didn’t hesitate again, but crawled under the cover and put an arm around Armitage. Again, there was that feeling of being protected, of being more at ease with his own thoughts. He relaxed a fraction.

“I’m still going to the psychiatric hospital”, he said quietly. 

Kylo was silent for a moment. “I think that is a wise decision”, he finally said. “Believe me, they will help you there after what you’ve been through.”

“It is not only what Marissa and Hewitt did to me.” Armitage hesitated for a moment. “There is other stuff I need to deal with. From way back in my childhood. I always thought I had managed to escape all that, to leave it behind, but I haven’t. It still haunts me. I still hear my father’s voice, telling me that I’m useless. I my mind I’m still running from him, still hiding. If it hadn’t been for the gaslighting that would have driven me insane at some point.”

Kylo was quiet, but he gently stroked Armitage’s shoulder. There was so much tenderness, so much devotion in that little touch, Armitage felt as if a tiny little flower was blossoming deep inside of him, despite all the pain and fear he was feeling. 

But he also knew that it would be unfair to Kylo, to unload all of this on him. He was not well, but maybe he could be again. For the first time he dared to think that Kylo might feel the same way. 

He would go into therapy. And maybe there was a chance for them in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your support so far! If you ever feel that you are struggling mentally, please find help! You are not alone and you are so worth it!  
> Tell me if you want to accompany Armitage and Kylo on their journey a little longer. I'd love to write a little more for this story. Also tell me if you have open questions. I thought everything out but am not totally sure I answered everything. (The letter will be explained in the next chapter btw.)


	15. Peace

It was the first warm day of the year, but Armitage was still wearing his coat. He was sitting on his favourite bench in the garden of Craig’s hospital, looking up at the old chestnut tree. He could see the light green buds on the tree branches, some of them about to bloom and he wondered if he would be here to see the first blossoms. 

In London, he had never been so aware of the changing seasons and it was one of the things he liked most about living in the country. He knew every corner of the large garden that belonged to the clinic and in the last two weeks he had also gone hiking into the nearby woods with a small group of fellow patients. 

He would leave in three days and thinking about that triggered a mix of contrasting emotions. Panic and fear were not among them though. He marvelled at the fact of how much calmer and stronger he felt now than when he had been admitted almost four months ago at the beginning of December. 

He pulled his coat tighter around him, because a chilly wind had started, and he did not want to go back in just yet.

Looking back, it seemed as if he had spent the first week at Craig’s hospital sleeping. Before he came here, he had not even realized how exhausted he had felt. He had a small room of his own and knowing that someone was always awake here to keep watch, gave him a sense of safety. Also, it had been decided to put him on an anti-depressant that stopped the gruesome wheel of thoughts in his head, which was a relief. 

He had not been able to talk to anyone in that first week and he hadn’t been sure, if he ever would be. Still, he had been able to unwind. For the first time in his life no one expected anything from him, no one was disappointed, and no one tried to manipulate him in any way. Finally, he had opened up to his patient doctors. Together they had pushed ajar that well-locked door inside of him that led to darkness and despair, all of the ugly, obnoxious things that he had tried to will out of existence by never thinking about them. 

Only when he dared to enter that swamp, accompanied by his therapist did he realize how much these forbidden memories from his childhood still defined him, how his behaviour was influenced by them. He hadn’t felt so vulnerable since he was eight years old and only the fact that he was in a safe space, allowed him to go through that again. And only afterwards had he been able to face what he had really gone through before his nervous break-down. He had been able to face the fact that Hewitt had raped him.

Step by step he had come back from that darkness and even though he still felt lost sometimes or sad, that all-consuming fear that had threatened to eat him up had left him. Sometimes now, he felt almost content.

He looked away from the tree above him when he heard steps approaching and smiled when he saw that it was his uncle, Roderick. He was his only visitor here, because he was told that visits from people who weren’t family or close friends could be distracting. And he knew what his doctors meant by that. This place was removed from reality in a way, a safe space where he could say anything he wanted to, behave in ways he never would outside, and it helped him to heal. He needed this and he could not concentrate on anything else. So, he had told his uncle that he did not want other visitors, even though there was someone he thought about every single day and night. Kylo was constantly in his thoughts and in a way, he was with him even more than had he been physically present.  
He had received a lot of letters from Kylo, though and he had always been quick to answer them. Kylo mostly wrote him about his days at Whitecliff Hall, the horses and what he worked on in the shed. They didn’t write about feelings or personal stuff and in a way that was just what Armitage needed. Kylo’y letters always brightened his days.

“I was told I would find you here”, Roderick said. He was still an attractive man, though nearing his seventies, with white hair and an elegant cane, Armitage wasn’t sure he needed. He was tall and lean like his nephew with electric blue eyes and a melodious voice. “If you like this garden you will love Whitecliff Hall in spring.”

“Yes, I suppose I will”, Armitage said. He moved a little to make room and his uncle sat down next to him. 

They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, looking towards the green forest in the distance.

“Do you feel ready to leave?” Roderick finally asked. “You could probably stay another month if you wanted to.”

Armitage shock his head. “I think it’s time for me to go and the doctors agree. You can get used to a place like this easily and that can sometimes be dangerous. I think I should face reality again.”

“Everyone is looking forward to having you back at Whitecliff Hall.” Roderick eyed him intensely. “Especially Kylo.”

“Did he say so?” Armitage looked ahead and tried not to blush, knowing he was failing. Then again it didn’t matter. He supposed his uncle suspected by now that the other man was important to him. It was difficult to hide how much he always wanted to hear about him.

“Not directly. You know how he is. But he’s asking about you all the time. And for him that says a lot. I don’t think I’ve talked that much to him in all the years he’s been working for me.”

Armitage smiled. “I’m glad he talks.”

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you when I got back from India. But of course, the time wasn’t right then.”

“Yes?”

“I’ve been thinking of making Kylo my second heir. For a long time that was Marissa’s position as you know, but even before everything that happened, I had a feeling there might be something wrong with her.”

“You were so right.”

“Yes. If only I had trusted my guts more and never let you walk into that dreadful trap.”

“Really uncle, no-one could have suspected her to be a psychopath. I can’t really believe it now.”

“Well, in fact I had written another will making Kylo my second heir after you. It was waiting on my desk to be posted to my lawyer. I wanted to talk with you before I sent it.”

“I saw it. I think she might have read it.”

“Yes. The police suspect as much. She was desperate to get you out of the way. And I would have been next.”

“It was a close call.” Armitage looked down at his hands. “But now that they’ve both been arrested for murder of the two people they killed they won’t be able to harm anyone again.”

His uncle put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re alive, my boy. So glad you’ll be back with us soon.”

*

The last thing Armitage packed was the little wooden fox that had been seated on his night-stand during his stay. “We’ll be home soon”, he told him, before gently placing him between two towels in his suitcase. It was the same one he had brought to Whitecliff Hall when he had first arrived. The one Kylo had carried upstairs for him. It seemed as if that had happened years ago and not only four months. He felt so different now. But in a good way. 

He stood up and looked around the small bright room that had been his home for the time. He would not miss it, but he would always think of it fondly. He had already said his good-byes and made his way down to the hall and outside where a taxi was waiting to take him to the station. His uncle had offered to pick him up, but for some reason he preferred taking the train and having those two hours for himself and have a chance to adjust to the world outside again.

In a way he needed those two hours. He noticed that he still felt vulnerable and a little shaken, but there was also a new sense of strength.

When the train pulled into the station of Whitecliff Hall, he had another flashback, even though this time there was no snow outside and it was daylight. Still, he remembered only too well his first arrival here and how empty he had felt, how hopeless. Now there was nervous anticipation inside of him, as if something wonderful was about to happen. But of course, he could not be sure of that. 

He took his suitcase and left the train. Once more he was the only passenger who got off here and the first thing he noticed was how wonderful the air smelled. Fresh and green, as if it was about to rain soon. He breathed in deep and felt a warm shiver run down his spine as he noticed the tall figure coming towards him.  
“Hey, you’re on time today”, he said with a smile. 

Kylo stopped right in front of him and Armitage was not able to read the emotions on his face. He seemed unsure, almost lost. Armitage opened his arms and a second later he was enclosed in the tightest warmest embrace he could imagine. It felt as if Kylo wasn’t sure he was really here or as if he was afraid, Armitage might disappear again, if he let go. 

“So, have you missed me?” he asked, a little breathless.

“Yes.”

That single word made Armitage’s heart swell with happiness. He rested his head on Kylo’s shoulder and for a long moment they stood like that, letting time pass them by. 

Kylo finally let go of him and took a step back. His smile was a little crooked and Armitage loved it so much he had to hold himself back from just closing the distance between them once again. He wanted back into Kylo’s arms.

“How are you feeling?” Kylo asked. “I remember my first day back from Craig’s hospital. It felt weird.”

“It is a little strange”, Armitage agreed. “But I’m glad I’m here.”

“I – I needed time for myself when I got out. Tell us if you want to be left alone.”

“No!” Armitage said, a little too fast. “No, I’ve looked forward to seeing you.”

“Okay.” Kylo’s smile got wider and he looked so happy, it almost hurt Armitage’s heart. “Please just tell me if there’s anything I can do to make it easier for you.”  
“You could keep looking so happy.”

This time Armitage was sure that Kylo did blush slightly. So, he was able to do that. He picked up Armitage’s suitcase and Armitage followed him over to the two horses harnessed to a carriage. He had been so focused on Kylo, he hadn’t noticed them until now but seeing them gave his heart another little jolt. This felt so much like coming home.

“I could have picked you up by car, of course”, Kylo said. “But I thought you might like to see them. I think Thor missed you.”

“I missed you, too”, Armitage said, petting Thor’s blaze. The horse neighed lightly. “I’ll bring you some carrots later. It’s so good to see you again.”

He climbed into the carriage and Kylo put a light blanket over his shoulders, before he took the reins. “It’s still a little chilly when we’re driving”, he said. 

Armitage pulled the blanket around himself and revelled in the feeling of sitting here next to Kylo. He felt wonderful, but there was one thing that bothered him a little. Kylo could not have welcomed him warmer or more genial, but it had also been a friendly welcome. They had become so close, had slept in the same bed more than once and talked about the most intimate things, but that made it more difficult to turn this thing around. They were becoming friends and while he appreciated Kylo’s friendship he knew very well that he desired more. 

He knew he needed to act on this wish at some point, but was it too early? He had just returned from a long stay at a psychiatric hospital and he didn’t even know for sure what Kylo wanted. And if he had learned one thing at Craig’s hospital it was that some things took time and that worrying too much got him nowhere. He leaned back in his seat and tried to enjoy the ride. The forest looked so different now. Fresh green was starting to sprout everywhere, birds were singing and there was a smell of resin and wet moss in the air he could not get enough of.

Whitecliff Hall was just as impressive as it had been in winter. It looked much less like a manor from a gothic tale now, but more like a castle out of a Jane Austen novel. He smiled, remembering he had started to read “Pride and Prejudice” in winter. He had forgotten to take it to the hospital, and he was looking forward to finishing it here. 

Kylo stopped the carriage in front of the house and Mitaka came out to take care of the horses. For the first time he gave Armitage a shy welcoming smile and Armitage saw that as a small victory. Nelly greeted him with a hug as soon as he entered the hall and even Canady bowed respectfully. His uncle was already descending the stairs. For the first time in his life it felt as if he had been awaited. 

Uncle Roderick turned to Kylo who was holding the suitcase after hugging Armitage. “Please, eat with us”, he said. “It’s Armitage’s welcoming lunch.”

Kylo looked taken aback. “I really shouldn’t”, he said. “You have a lot to talk about, I presume.”

“Not as much as you two. Kylo, I insist.”

Kylo hesitated for a moment and looked at Armitage.

“I would be glad”, Armitage said and Kylo relented. 

“I have to change, though”, he said. “I can’t sit at your table like this.”

When Kylo entered the dining room a few minutes later, Armitage’s heart skipped a beat. It was the first time he saw him wearing black jeans and a pullover. He also loved the way he looked in cargo pants and plaid shirts, but this was new and different. He had also combed his hair and the fact that he seemed a little unsure of himself when he sat down with them made him all the more attractive.

Lunch was a light-hearted event, thanks to Roderick. Armitage was glad about his easy smalltalk, because he was distracted by Kylo and Kylo was quiet and a little withdrawn. Lost in thoughts, apparently.

“Could you take me out to the horses?” Armitage asked as soon as they had finished desert. “I’d like to keep my promise to Thor.”

“Of course.” Kylo seemed relieved. “I would also like to show you the lake. It’s beautiful in spring.”

On their way to the paddock Armitage noticed that Kylo deliberately slowed his pace, so he could keep up with him well. He breathed in deep. “It feels so good to be here, without having to think about the coming night”, he said. “And dreading it.”

“I’m glad you came back”, Kylo said, looking at the ground in front of him. “I wasn’t sure you would want to, after what you went through here.”

Armitage shook his head. “I still loved this place. Almost all the time.”

“Have you…” Kylo hesitated. Then he visibly composed himself. “Have you thought about how long you want to stay?” He kept his gaze fixed on the ground.  
Armitage was quiet for a moment. He hadn’t wanted to talk about this just now, but he also wanted to be honest. And maybe it was just as well. “My uncle suggested I could stay”, he said, watching Kylo’s reaction. 

It wasn’t hard to miss. Kylo jerked his head to face him, eyes wide in an untypical display of surprise. “Are you considering it?”

Yes, Kylo did look hopeful. Armitage was not just imagining this. He had learned to trust his intuition a bit more. 

“I’ve made up my mind already”, he said, smiling. “I want to stay.”

He hadn’t expected Kylo to almost falter, relief clearly visible on his features. It seemed as if a heavy weight was being lifted from his shoulders and he stood up straighter. And then his warm brown eyes lit up as if the sun had just appeared behind the heavy grey clouds above them and there was that beautiful smile again that always made Armitage’s knees go weak.

“You’re staying?”

“Only if the horses want me to as well.” Armitage grinned. He had always been bad at telling jokes, but it didn’t seem to matter right now.

“The horses adore you”, Kylo said, also grinning. “I could teach you to ride, if you want me to.”

A rush of joy trickled down Armitage’s spine and for a moment he felt as if he could do anything he wanted to. “That sounds wonderful.”

After staying with the horses for a short while they made their way down to the lake, but before they got there it started to drizzle lightly, the heavy clouds finally keeping their promise.

“Do you want to go back to the manor?” Kylo asked. “Or…” he hesitated, and Armitage followed his gaze.

“Or we could go to your cottage, right?”

“Yes. We could.”

“I would like that very much.” Armitage felt himself blushing, because for some reason this felt as if he was suggesting something.  
“I don’t have coffee, but I could make you tea.”

“I love tea.”

They walked in the direction of the forest and made it just in time. Kylo closed the door right before it started pouring. 

“Perfect timing”, Armitage said and looked around. He had thought about this place often in the hospital. It had been one of the things he remembered, when things got so dark, he needed an anchor. His eyes rested on the bed he had shared with Kylo.

“Sit down”, Kylo offered. “I’ll light a fire.”

He knelt down in front of the chimney and had a little fire crackling in no time. He got up again and turned around to Armitage who was still standing, arms hanging at his side.

“Your hair got a little wet”, he said. “I’ll get you a towel.”

He walked to the kitchenette and a moment later stepped in front of Armitage again, towel in hand. He smiled and gently dried Armitage’s hair, caressing him more than rubbing. Armitage looked up and their eyes met and at that moment something changed in the atmosphere of the cottage. It wasn’t palpable but Armitage could clearly feel it, like a spark of electricity, running down his body. He wondered if Kylo felt it too. He didn’t look away and once again there was this look of insecurity and – was that hope? In his eyes.

“Do you … can I…” Kylo took a deep breath. “Can I kiss you?”

Instead of an answer Armitage leaned forward and pressed his lips to Kylo’s. There was a moment of surprise and then Kylo leaned into the kiss. The towel fell to the ground and Kylo’s hand came up to cup Armitage’s cheek, while his other arm pulled him closer. Armitage was light-headed with joy. Little sparks of electricity were running through his body as if Kylo possessed some kind of powerful force that now embraced him as well. He hadn’t even known a kiss could feel like this and his arms tightened around Kylo’s body as if they had a will of their own. 

He was breathless when Kylo pulled back and he leaned in, chasing that amazing sensation. 

“You want this too?” Kylo asked, his hand caressing Armitage’s cheek. He opened his eyes to find Kylo’s intense gaze, questioning him.

“I do.”

“I never want to throw you off your guard or push you.”

Armitage shook his head. “I know why you are afraid of that. Thank you Kylo, but I want this so much.” He had difficulties stringing the words together and he hoped what he said made sense. “We … we can take this slow, though.”

“Of course. Just tell me if you want to stop. I’ll always understand.”

“And you too.” 

Kylo seemed surprised for a second, then he nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Can we lie down?” Armitage asked. “I want to kiss you again.” He could have said this in a more romantic way but Kylo didn’t seem to mind. His lips were red and full when he lay down opposite of Armitage and his gaze was a little hazy. Kissing him again felt like coming to a warm fire after spending a night out in the cold. It warmed his whole body and it awakened a yearning he hadn’t even known he was capable of.

For a long time before coming to Whitecliff Hall, before anything had happened with Hewitt, he had hardly ever felt the desire to be with anyone else. He had masturbated, not often but it had been relaxing and pleasurable. Every now and then he had met men he could have imagined sleeping with, but it had not felt like desire, more like a fleeting wish. 

And now…

It was so different, so new that it almost frightened him at first. Kylo’s kiss was burning him from the inside and every part of his body craved to be touched by him. It was an ache that felt almost uncomfortable and it also made him feel insecure, because he had just told Kylo he wanted to take things slow. He moaned and ended the kiss, burying his head against Kylo’s shoulder.

“Are you alright?” Kylo asked, breathless. “Is it too much?”

“No”, Armitage whispered. “It’s not enough.”

“Oh.” He could hear Kylo swallowing hard. “We could…” He moved his hands under Armitage’s pullover ever so slowly and his touch felt like heaven. He caressed his stomach, his sides and his shoulders and finally his chest. When his hands grazed his nipples, Armitage almost hissed. He felt so sensitive, so hot and it didn’t help when Kylo leaned down to kiss his neck. He was also hard now, his erection straining against his pants and it made him moan. 

“Sorry”, he said, burying his hands in Kylo’s hair. “I didn’t expect that.”

“Don’t be sorry”, Kylo’s voice was shaking. “I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’m here for you.”

Kylo’s voice did things to him and he arched his hips. He had never been this needy in his whole life and even the fact that he found it a little embarrassing could not change anything about that. Sex is healthy if it’s done right, one of his doctors had said. It can do wonders for you. He clung to that thought and let go a little more. 

He sat up and pulled his shirt over his head and Kylo mirrored him. For the first time Armitage was allowed to let his eyes rake over that beautiful torso without worrying Kylo might notice and he reached out his hands to caress him. It was amazing to see Kylo close his eyes and his lips slightly part under Armitage’s touch. He looked powerful and vulnerable at the same time. 

Armitage let himself sink back onto the mattress, pulling Kylo with him and they both groaned with pleasure when their erections touched through the fabric of their jeans. They kissed again, rougher this time, more desperate.

Kylo pulled back panting, Armitage’s fingers clawing into his shoulders. Kylo looked down at him, hair wild around his face, eyes shining. “Do you want to come?”

“Yes.” It was almost a sob.

He was relieved when Kylo’s fingers gently opened his belt and then his pants. He lifted his hips to allow him to push them down and then Kylo cupped his cock and Armitage threw his head back, hips arching. 

Kylo didn’t make him wait and he was thankful for that. His strokes were firm and steady and just right and he kissed Armitage’s neck, sending jolts of pleasure through his entire body. His orgasm took him so high he had to cling to Kylo, calling his name. He felt so close to him in this moment, as if he was the only person in the world that mattered, and he felt so incredibly lucky he could be here with him right now.

He also didn’t feel exhausted afterwards like he had sometimes felt when he’d jerked off. There was just a wonderful numbness in his limbs, and he felt contented. Still there was something he wanted to do.

“I want you to come too”, he said, turning his head to Kylo, who was lying next to him, unmoving. Kylo’s eyelids fluttered shut. “You don’t have to.” But there was little protest in his words.

“I want to.” He reached down to cup Kylo’s jeans and was delighted when he moaned and moved into his touch. “And you need it.”

“Yes.”

He wasn’t afraid he would have problems opening Kylo’s jeans. For once he felt safe and sure of himself. Kylo was breathing so hard and shivering under his touch and it made him confident and delighted him to no end. “Tell me if I’m doing it right”, he whispered when he finally closed his hand around Kylo’s impressive length, but Kylo didn’t seem able to answer anymore. He held on to Armitage, his hips moving uncontrollably into Armitage’s touch and his fingers dug into his shoulders. 

He likes it, Armitage thought. I’m doing this to him, and he enjoys it so much.

And then Kylo came hard under his hands, moaning his name and it felt as if he was able to do magic. Again, he felt that flutter run through his body as if there was something greater than both of them, rippling through his body and Kylo’s. It felt amazing. 

Kylo pulled him close to kiss him once again and he felt elated. 

For a long time they just lay there, arm in arm, bodies pressed close, listening to the sound of rain and the crackle of fire and Armitage wondered if anyone had ever felt this happy and fulfilled.

“Are you tired?” Kylo finally asked, his dark voice soft and low.

“A little.” 

“Me too.” Kylo pressed a gentle kiss to Armitage’s temple. “I didn’t sleep that well during the last nights.”

“Oh. Why?” He moved even closer to Kylo, enjoying his warmth and Kylo wrapped his arms tighter around him. “I know it’s no use wrecking my brain about things that are yet to come and that I should let them take their course. But I couldn’t stop worrying about whether you would want to stay.” He hesitated. “And if I should finally tell you I’m in love with you.”

Armitage moved a few centimetres away and looked up at Kylo, studying his face. “You were worried about that? Wasn’t it obvious how I feel about you?”  
Kylo smiled but this time it looked almost a little sad. “Not to me.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore now.” Armitage said, putting a hand to Kylo’s cheek. “I love you, Kylo. That’s one of the few things I know for sure right now. That and that I want to stay.”

There were no more words needed after that when Kylo pulled him close again to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me until the end! I could not have done it without your lovely comments. Would you like to read an epilogue that takes place some months lster? Let me know!  
> Also thanks to @senema, my beta.  
> You can follow me on tumblr for story updates or requests:  
> [rattlesnake777](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rattlesnake777)


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